Mike's Neurodivergent Toolbox

01/25/2025

Time for a gratitude post. Yes, my next paid holiday is not until late May, but I have the day off without many obligations.

I am fortunate to have reached a status where, while I have responsibilities at home and work, they are seldom too much for me. And I would probably be constantly bored and restless if I didn’t have day to day responsibilities.

There have been times in my life where I dreaded getting up in the morning but thankfully I have a good situation now. But I realize that everyone has that acceptable balance. I still struggle in many ways and I empathize with those whose struggles remain overwhelming.

01/24/2025

This week's chapter from the book:

Chapter Twenty-Four: My Autistic Wristband

People may ask why I choose to label and perhaps stigmatize myself with the silicone “autistic” wristband I wear.

First, I do not wear it all the time, only when in public or when around people I do not know well: those who do not know that I am autistic.

Long before I suspected that I was autistic, or even knew anything about autism, I became aware of the fact that I was on a different wavelength than almost everyone else. Misunderstandings in social settings have always been common for me.

And reactions have often been harsh. I have faced a good deal of bullying and harassment. I have been accused of being blunt, stubborn, disrespectful, obtuse or “on something.” I can apparently annoy people when I am trying my best not to cause any trouble. I have had countless encounters with what I call the friendliness police: those who scold me for not addressing them in the right manner or tone or with enough enthusiasm, or for not engaging in small talk.

Similar experiences are not unusual among people on the spectrum. I have no doubt that some of us have lost our lives because of tragic misunderstandings. As a result, I developed a hyper-vigilance early in life to the point that when I am around other people, most of my mental energy is directed toward averting miscommunications. One can imagine that always being on high alert produces a great deal of anxiety, and the fact that misunderstandings frequently occur nonetheless only heightens that anxiety.

So when I wear an autistic wristband, I am merely offering others a better way of making sense of my behavior, especially if I happen to do something that strikes them as odd or offensive. I have no scientific way of knowing how well the wristband actually works but having a safeguard eases a great deal of anxiety. The wristband may also be advantageous to medical workers if I was ever in an accident. Furthermore, the identification may eventually help me connect with other neurodivergent people I encounter in day to day life.

Of course, I risk condescending attitudes or perhaps anti-autistic prejudice, though I have not experienced any negativity in the years I have been wearing the wristband on chosen occasions. But to reiterate, this practice is not about being coddled or pitied and is not an attempt to excuse any preventable untoward behavior on my part. Rather, I feel safer and more at ease around people when my condition is known to them.

Copyright © 2024, Michael Howard

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D82FQRQW
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0D82FQRQW

In this volume, the author presents his story as a person diagnosed with autism at the age of fifty, noting the lack of representation and resources for people like himself: those identified as autistic later in life who have lived without adequate support, often for decades. He begins with a bri...

01/23/2025

I have a number of renovations under way, but this is generally what I begin with. Any empty apartment, holes to patch, electrical work, caulking and painting next.

I have been told that I am the most productive worker who has done this where I work. My neurodivergence is an asset in that if left alone, I can hyper focus and settle into my personal routines and methods.

01/23/2025

Every time I think I have something figured out I find more to consider or another framework puts all the assumptions into question.

01/21/2025

My least favorite time of year. Depressing short days, nasal infections, dry skin, never being comfortable no matter how many layers I am wearing and that uncomfortable feeling of layers bunching up under more layers. And it’s cold enough that I am not comfortable in my favorite place, my clubhouse in the back yard.

No sustained freezing in recent years so I tried indoor plants, obviously dying. Cue “California Dreaming” but that’s probably not a good vibe either right now.

But if you enjoy what I have difficulty dealing with, that’s OK too. I would live in the tropics given the choice. Too many months are too cold for me even in the southern US.

01/19/2025

Nothing like knowing exactly what to order because it’s what you have enjoyed dozens of times before.

01/18/2025

I simply want to acknowledge all of us survivors, and remember those who did not survive to lead a better, more self-aware life.

01/18/2025

I have the second edition live now. The word count is actually down to around 25,000 words in the main text, with notes and references. Revisions are mostly temporal references and rewording, though in some cases I took out entire sentences that may lead to misunderstanding.

I know that I can't appeal to everyone, but I have done my best to state myself in language that most will find "neuro-affirming," though in my experience that objective can be a moving target.

I am probably my own worst critic, and have just ordered an author's copy to look at "just to make sure" that I'm happy with the new edition. It is on sale now for $12.50 USD or the equivalent in other markets.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D82FQRQW

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0D82FQRQW

In this volume, the author presents his story as a person diagnosed with autism at the age of fifty, noting the lack of representation and resources for people like himself: those identified as autistic later in life who have lived without adequate support, often for decades. He begins with a bri...

01/17/2025

The autistic urge to be hyper-proactive because you would rather catch hell for being too eager than face an unexpected expectation

01/17/2025

This is for those who ask me: is integration or co-existing with the neurotypical world always a bad thing? In my view, no. There are too many variables and individual situations. It’s not bad or good per se, but it should be voluntary and mutually beneficial. I don’t have all the answers and do not criticize anyone for the path they choose in this regard.

'But what if someone WANTS to learn how to mask so they can use those skills when they need to?'

My answer to that would entirely depend which kid/adult you're talking about. Are they the one on top of the pile? Or are they buried underneath?

I would suggest very, very different things for these two individuals. And their wellbeing would be my priority.

Yes?

Em 🌈

01/17/2025

This week's chapter from the book:

Chapter Twenty-One: My Work History

My work history has often been difficult. I have worked well over thirty jobs in my nearly forty years of employment. I have been fired multiple times, usually under the euphemism of “laid off.” A few times I walked off a job in the middle of a meltdown. I remained at one job for ten years, but others have lasted only one day. I have experienced long periods of unemployment and remain underemployed for my level of education. I feel the need to share my work history to highlight my desire for a diagnosis and accommodations, as well as to advance my point that most very late-diagnosed or self-aware people experience similar troubles.

The worst jobs for me were substitute teaching and working in a call center. For me, success at work is a matter of setting. I perform well in small operations, with gracious managers who appreciate my abilities to the point that they can usually ignore my challenges.

Long before I knew of autism and that it applied to me, others would tell me (and I would often tell myself) that since I was extremely capable at a given skill set I should be able to perform well with any other skill set required for a job. I assumed that achieving such competencies would only be a matter of effort. Time after time I found myself failing. This is why I do not mind people calling autism a disability. Certain abilities are not within our reach, at least not without a great deal of accommodation and profound unease, though specific challenges will differ from one individual to another.

I will offer working in a pizza restaurant as an example (and I have done so on multiple occasions). I do well with tasks I can do on my own, such as folding boxes, washing dishes, cleaning and food prep. I am commended for my productivity. But if I am asked to take orders on the phone, I cannot tune out all of the background noise and activity to do this task accurately. I get the orders wrong and find myself in trouble. Each time I have been let go from a job or have found it too overwhelming to continue, the issue has either been some miscommunication or an inability to perform essential tasks under conditions that overtaxed my processing capabilities.

Thankfully, my current job has lasted for four years, now with accommodations, and I am grateful for some stability. On most days I perform my duties without much stress or struggle but I still have my challenged moments. Only now, if I suddenly find myself unemployed, I can hopefully rely upon disability benefits or vocational rehabilitation services.

But the truth of the matter is that for people on the spectrum vocational instability is the norm, not the exception. I know other autistic people with full-time jobs, but we are the fortunate few. Statistically, up to eighty-five percent of adult autistics are unemployed (we do not know the exact number because we are unaware of how many of us remain undiagnosed). We have much to offer the work force but we need jobs that utilize our talents without pushing us past our limitations. Multiple programs exist to help people like us though they are unable to address every situation. Furthermore, for many of us, our executive functioning challenges often make negotiating the bureaucracy as necessary to obtain help difficult in the extreme.

Nevertheless, I stand as proof that it can be done, in my case with a great deal of trial and error and creativity. I only hope that most autistics do not have to endure the difficulties I have experienced in my professional life, if working is appropriate for them.

Copyright © 2024, Michael Howard

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D82FQRQW

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0D82FQRQW

In this volume, the author presents his story as a person diagnosed with autism at the age of fifty, noting the lack of representation and resources for people like himself: those identified as autistic later in life who have lived without adequate support, often for decades. He begins with a bri...

01/16/2025

Rice and beans again tonight, one of my mid week easy meals. Never exactly the same. I had red bell pepper to use up so that’s in today’s batch. And don’t be a food snob and deny me my “jarlic.” For those of us who are anything like confident cooks, a few shortcuts mean much in terms of consistently pulling it all together.

01/16/2025

01/14/2025

As an advocate, I often find that I must strike a careful balance between encouragement and not offering false hope. Even post-diagnosis, finding support can be difficult.

01/14/2025

I am experiencing the ND struggle of battling one's own brain while revising the book for a second edition. Six months after publication and hundreds of proof-readings later, I am still finding "how on earth did I miss that?" issues that my ADHD and executive functioning-challenged mind completely missed.

While not fatal errors (and probably very few others may even notice them), my rejection sensitive dysphoric demon feels the need to chime in and tell me "that's why nobody wants to read your book!" But I am nonetheless compelled to continue, horrified by what else I may have been missing.

01/13/2025

I will almost always prefer the manual, quiet, low-tech, easy to maintain, non-cumbersome, non-vibrating option in most situations. Even when the alternative is more “efficient” or effective. Is this a common ND thing? I have never been a “gadget” person.

01/12/2025

It should never be a contest to demonstrate who among us is the most burdened. I candidly acknowledge that many neurodivergent people live under more layers of marginalization and difficulty than I have ever encountered.

And many voices are still not being heard, at least proportionally. I see too few people of color among advocates. High needs individuals rely on their proxies, usually out of necessity. Very few people who do not live in first world nations make it to the scene.

But I want to talk about age. Every difficulty associated with late self-awareness or diagnosis is amplified the longer one lives before knowing that they are neurodivergent (I cannot speak for anyone else, but after five decades, I was so encumbered by self doubt that I needed an official diagnosis to move forward). This includes burnout, loss of potential, the development of unhealthy coping mechanisms, inability to find community and identity, mental health issues and the capacity to process and overcome trauma.

And yet the Gen-X plus crowd continues to be in the minority among advocates, especially those of us who have only recently had their neurodivergent awakening. I celebrate the younger folks who are doing wonderful work in educating and empowering others like myself. I have no desire to divide ND people into factions along any lines. We ought to do our best to work together.

But we older people usually bring a different experience and perspective to the conversation. In my case, I was in my thirties before I had even heard about "Asperger's," as it was called back then. There was more misunderstanding than understanding about neurodivergency in general, even among specializing professionals. "The community" consisted of a few online chat rooms where speculation and acrimony was often rampant. No ND havens existed even for the self-suspecting.

When we older people reach our status of becoming confidently self-aware, we can face difficulties fitting in because of our different experiences. We tend not to be as technologically adept, a skill that seems to be a prerequisite for effective advocacy. We usually do not know the preferred terminology, or who the heroes and miscreants may be within any given circle. As such, anxiety regarding "saying the wrong thing" unintentionally can persist even as one begins to make neurodivergent friends. We may be considered as not properly schooled enough to be taken seriously.

Our lives are usually set well in place, to the extent that boldly starting over and completely reinventing ourselves simply is not an option. We often have jobs and families to consider, and while my situation is generally a supportive one, others may find themselves further traumatized if they were to assert their neurodivergence in their private lives. As such, we tend to be pragmatic and not revolutionary as we look for ways to improve our lives. We may never recover much if any lost potential.

I am only scratching the surface here, but I firmly believe that older people deserve more representation within the community (as do other categories of people). Again, I hope that we neurodivergents can avoid the generational antagonism we see elsewhere, and I am not suggesting any intentional exclusion. I appreciate those of you who have recognized my struggles and have become my audience.

01/11/2025

IMAGE DESCRIPTION:

Screenshot of a post from The Chronic Couple () that reads:
Can we please stop viewing social media usage as a gauge of personal character? For some disabled people, it's the only world they have access to and many neurodivergent people prefer online friends to in-person social interactions due to sensory overload or anxiety.