08/11/2023
CHAPTER 3
CONSISTENCY: THE PATH TO SECURITY
Our spiritual Father is totally consistent in how He deals with us, His children. He wants the best for us. His guidelines are always valid and His word is totally trustworthy. He does not violate His own spiritual law; His attitude is not “Do what I say, not what I do.”
God tells us, “For I am the Lord, I do not change” (Malachi 3:6). This means that God is consistent in His laws, His spiritual principles, and His way of life. What if our God were inconsistent?
We often see the fruit of inconsistency in the daily lives of those around us. Years ago, my wife and I watched one such glaring example at the supermarket. A mother with several children was doing her shopping, and her children were wild. They were running up and down the aisles and pulling things off the shelves. Every so often, the mother would yell out in extreme frustration, “Get over here or I am going to s***k you!” They would calm down for a moment or two—then they would take off again. After a few minutes, the mother would yell out, “Do you want me to whip you?”
This yelling, screaming, inconsistent mother made her life miserable! Her children always knew that if they slowed down for a few moments, their mother’s wild and irresponsible threats would subside, and they could soon go back to what they were doing.
Unlike this harried mother, Jesus Christ and God the Father are totally consistent, for our benefit. They want what is best for us and they will not confuse us with inconsistency.
The dictionary defines “consistent” as “marked by harmony, regularity, or steady continuity: free from variation or contradiction” (Merriam-Webster.com). That describes the type of parent that anyone would want, especially when accompanied by a healthy dose of unconditional love and appropriate forgiveness. This is fertile ground for a child’s healthy growth, along with having a sense of being valued and the security of firm guidelines that will not change.
Even rebellious teens will tell you that they need consistent parents. Consistency is the bedrock of confidence! It is something that children can count on. Children with consistent parents may not always like every parental guideline, but at least their world is stable and not constantly changing. They know what to expect.
Consistency in discipline and parental example is crucial! People most often think of discipline as “punishment,” but punishment is only one aspect of discipline. Discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character” (Merriam-Webster.com).
Christ’s early followers who were being trained in the Way of life were called “disciples.” The word “disciple” is derived from the word “discipline.” Christ taught the disciples; He encouraged them and sometimes corrected them. His goal was to train disciples who could live and teach the Christian discipline—the Way of life.
Parents train, or discipline, their children with encouragement, praise, and rewards, and also with correction and penalties. This is the same principle that God uses with us. He promises us blessings for obedience (Deuteronomy 28:1–14) and correction and penalties (curses) for disobedience (Deuteronomy 28:15–46).
Regrettably, many parents have tried to rework the Creator’s parenting (child training) principles into whatever seems best to them. Unwittingly, they may be acting as though they know more about parenting than God Himself does.
In previous decades, many parents relied primarily on restrictive authority and on punishments for disobedience. Little encouragement or unconditional love was given, and parents with this approach became unloving authoritarians. In recent years, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, with parents offering ample praise and encouragement, but little or no correction or discipline for disobedience. Permissiveness is the ditch in which children never learn or gain self-control.
Being consistently authoritarian is not the answer! Being consistently permissive is not the answer! True consistency requires the balance that we find in God’s word—which includes real blessings for obedience and penalties for disobedience.
Consistent penalties for disobedience teach children a lesson that will benefit them for their entire lives—the lesson of “cause and effect.” This is how the world operates. If you jump out of your second-story bedroom window, gravity will always work, and you will pay a price for your mistake. Drive your car too fast around a curve on a rainy night, and there will be a price to pay. Break the laws of the land, and there is a price to pay. Transgress God’s spiritual laws, and there is always a price to pay. Children need to live in a family environment where they know that if they violate the parents’ rules or standards of behavior, there is always a price to pay.
Parents who do not teach their children “cause and effect” do those children a serious disservice. How can young people learn cause and effect if they never experience the effects of their behavior? How can toddlers learn cause and effect if, when a parent tells them to “come here,” they find that they can ignore the instruction without any follow-up discipline? How can young children learn cause and effect if their parents simply shrug their shoulders in exasperation when faced with a child’s angry tantrum? How can teenagers learn cause and effect if their parents pay the fines when they receive tickets for reckless driving?
Consistency with a toddler, providing rules and guidelines for conduct and punishment for disobedience, leads to consistency as a teen, which leads to consistency as an adult, which can lead to consistency as a future son of God. The process of learning cause and effect—with consistent blessings for obedience and correction for disobedience—is the foundation for future character formation and for a successful life. Parents can either assist God with this process or make the eventual conversion process more difficult for their children.
“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). The pattern that is set in childhood generally carries on throughout life. A parent who does not consistently discipline quickly for disobedience does not establish the “cause and effect” principle in a child’s early years. The resulting child, teen, and adult sees rules and guidelines—whether in the home, in the school system, or on the job—as restrictions that only occasionally bring negative consequences.
Many parents never experienced consistent discipline from their own parents, but we all have experienced the pattern of our spiritual Father, who is totally consistent in dealing with us. We can see from Scripture that God gives blessings for obedience and corrects us when we disobey. Applying this principle in our parenting makes life much happier. Once a child receives understandable guidelines, any infraction results in discipline. The reality of cause and effect sets the pattern for life. Some “do-gooders” may not believe in any corporal punishment whatsoever, thinking that they have children’s well-being at heart, but they fail to understand human nature and what is truly best for children: unconditional love and learned obedience with applied correction.
God’s word tells us, “Now no discipline seems to be joyful at the time, but grievous. Yet afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness in those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11, MEV). How peaceful it is when children have been taught obedience right from the start. Even young children can be a real joy to a family when they are taught the habit of obedience.
When a child is old enough to be taught to “come” when called, for example, there are never any exceptions to obedience. I have seen some parents actually count, “one, two, three,” and when the child does not come, the parent may finally walk over and pull the child by the hand. This becomes an early lesson to a child on how to control parents.
Another popular threat is “I’m telling you for the last time.” Even this threat may become “This is your last… last chance.” I saw one amazing example of this with a young father and his little son: the “three ‘no’ rule”—meaning that the father’s first two uses of “no” were ignorable; only the third was supposed to count. Yet even after “‘no’ number three,” there was never any follow-up discipline; the father would simply walk over, grab his son, and take him away from whatever he was not supposed to be doing.
Many parents tell their children over and over again to do something or to stop doing something. Finally, they explode in anger when they cannot tolerate their children’s disobedience any longer. This teaches a child that “cause and effect” only applies when parents become exasperated and that the “trick” for a child is to learn to read the signs of when parents are coming close to their limit.
Parents make it so much easier on themselves when they teach their children that “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes.” Life is much more difficult for parents who allow whining and pleading to occur. “But Mom… why can’t I? Pleeeeeease, I really want to!” When parents give in to such pleas, they teach their children an important lesson: If they whine and plead long enough, the parent will eventually give in and they will get what they want.
Every parent who has disciplined a child has likely found at times that the child was crying not from sorrow or repentance, but from obvious anger. Anger is like a “muscle”—the more it is exercised, the more it will develop. If a child’s anger is not addressed, the necessary lesson will not be learned—and nothing will be gained but a hardening of the child’s attitude. Angry children need to be reminded why the discipline was administered in the first place and then be warned that continued anger will result in further discipline. In most cases, the child’s attitude will change quickly, and any cries will turn more to a repentant spirit than to rebellion or anger.
For most young children, there are appropriate forms of punishment besides s***king. Of course, the punishment should always fit the offense. In our household, we would occasionally have our children stand in a corner for minor offenses. This seemed to be effective, since they really disliked the boredom of standing facing the corner of the room without being allowed to look around.
Once, one of our sons ran outside, slamming the door behind, rattling the windows with the force of the slamming door. My wife had previously pointed out why slamming the door was not acceptable in our home, so he knew better but had simply “forgotten.” When children are quickly disciplined in spite of the excuse “But I forgot,” it is amazing how quickly their memory is sharpened. In this particular situation, my wife simply had our son open and close the door quietly 25 times. It really seemed to drive home the point, and his memory was no longer an issue.
One form of punishment we found to be ineffective was sending a child to his or her room. Most children today have plenty to do in their rooms, and this “punishment” simply allows them extra time to be angry and to sulk. Additionally, many parents today even allow their children to have computers, Internet-connected tablets, and smartphones in their rooms—often unsupervised. Rather than discipline, this can often instead be simply be a waste of time as children and teens can easily spend hours on games or social media with their friends. And, worse, unsupervised Internet access can expose them to dangerous strangers and harmful content. Instead of sending our children off to their rooms, we found that in most cases, loving discipline can be carried out quickly, and we can then comfort the disciplined children, reminding them how much they are loved. It is also helpful to remind our children occasionally that God holds parents responsible for how they train their children.
As children are taught the principle of cause and effect, blessing for obedience and punishment for disobedience, it is important that we not forget the “blessing for obedience” side of the equation. Verbal approval for a job well done, including a greater level of eye contact and a smile, can accomplish a great deal. Children, like adults, appreciate being appreciated. We need to follow the example of our spiritual Father who absolutely promises to reward those who seek Him, saying that “he who comes to God must believe that He is [exists], and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6). God’s promise of reward for obedience can be a strong motivator.
Years ago, when two or three of our children were still pre-school age and could not yet read, my wife made a chart for all four of our children. She used pictures to remind them of their daily and weekly chores, rewarding them with a certain amount of money for each completed job. There was a drawing of a made-up bed to remind them of that daily chore. There was a picture of a toothbrush, of a dog with its bowl, of a pair of pajamas hanging on a hook, and of children sitting at the table (with smiles on their faces) with a clock nearby to remind them to be on time at the breakfast table. At the end of the month, the rewards were added up and money was given to the children. It was theirs to save or spend, after their tithe to God was set aside.
Occasionally, you hear of people who believe children should never be paid for doing chores. They think it will ruin their character to be paid for their work. Yes, it is true that children should not be paid for routine obedience, such as coming when called or playing nicely with their brothers and sisters. But teaching children the value of the work ethic with rewards is certainly a right principle. Giving children an allowance without expecting anything in return is the wrong principle. Even God promises to reward us for our efforts: “For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works” (Matthew 16:27). Are we wiser at parenting than God the Father Himself?
The sooner we ingrain in our young children the overall principle of consistent blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience, the more obedient a child becomes—and the more peaceful a household becomes. Consistency is a tremendous key!
We must remember that children, since they have human nature, are attracted to disobedience like a magnet—and disobedience must be dealt with consistently. On the other hand, obedience and doing what is right must be taught. Proper parenting is a huge dose of child training. Proverbs 22:6 instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Every rule or guideline should be logical and explainable. “Just because I said so” does not inspire the right motivation for long-term obedience. Instead of just telling a toddler “Don’t run into the street,” you can add, “I don’t want you to be hit by a car and injured or killed.”
“Don’t jump on the couch,” could be explained, “it will ruin the couch” or “you could fall off and injure yourself” or “it is distracting adults who are trying to have a conversation.” Then, after the explanation, every infraction must be followed by further loving discipline.
The foundational purpose of any discipline must be the child’s well-being! The underlying reason for discipline should never be anger or a desire to “get even.” Most parents have probably, at some time, lashed out in anger when frustrated or exasperated. This is something that we must all work to overcome. Remember God’s instruction: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Children must learn and know that we discipline them because we love them. We really do want what is best for them, and we want them to grow up to be happy and successful adults as well as fulfilled members of the Family of God.
How crucial it is that we begin to teach our children today, no matter what their age, the vital lesson of “cause and effect”—blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience. This is the foundation for their eventual eternal life. My wife has a “theme scripture” for parenting—she may have “worn it out” on our children, but I am extremely thankful for it: “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19). This is God’s principle of parenting for us as future sons of God. It should also be our principle of parenting, with our own children, for their lifelong happiness.
To be continue
Crd : Jeffrey Fall
