24/01/2025
Last weekend, I made the brilliant decision to buy my wife a 100,000-volt pocket-sized Taser for her safety. Seems reasonable, right? What could go wrong?
Let me tell you a tale...
I brought the Taser home, loaded it with two AAA batteries, and was disappointed when pushing the button didn’t do anything. A quick read of the instructions told me to press it against a metal surface for a blue arc of electricity. Cool, right? It worked. (Apologies to Dana for the burn mark on the microwave.)
Now, as a responsible husband, I thought: "I should test this thing to be sure it’s effective before handing it to my wife." My cat Leo, watching with wide-eyed curiosity, briefly crossed my mind as a test subject, but I love him too much for that (don’t worry, Leo). So naturally, I decided to test it on myself.
I sat in my recliner, wearing a singlet and shorts, and carefully read the directions.
1-second burst: mild shock and disorientation.
2-second burst: muscle spasms and loss of control.
3-second burst: full-on fish-out-of-water flopping.
“It’s just two AAA batteries,” I thought. How bad could it be? Famous last words.
I touched the prongs to my thigh and pressed the button.
What followed can only be described as an out-of-body experience. I’m pretty sure the gates of heaven briefly opened. Hulk Hogan definitely body-slammed me, recliner and all. I woke up in the fetal position, drenched in sweat, with my body convulsing like I’d been plugged into a power grid.
Highlights of my post-shock survey:
The recliner was upside down and 8 feet away.
My cat was clinging to the fireplace mantle, meowing like a banshee.
My reading glasses had taken up residence on the TV.
Both ni***es, my right thigh, and my pride were twitching uncontrollably.
Drooling was my new normal, and I might have lost control of... other bodily functions.
Oh, and my testicles? They still haven’t been located. Reward offered.
Dana? She laughed until tears ran down her face, absolutely loved the gift, and now wields it as a threat in our household.
Moral of the story: Don’t test a Taser on yourself. Ever. For any reason.
(Also, shoutout to Leo for surviving the chaos. Brave little guy.)
