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Ajebo Writer, Ikeja, Lagos (2025)

05/01/2025

2024 was 360 days of wholesome fu

03/01/2025

This year, my wife and I made a resolution: no more fights. Instead, we’d talk things out, communicate openly, and avoid bottling up issues until they exploded.

We kissed, hugged, and wished each other a happy new year, determined to start 2025 on a peaceful note. And for the first three days, it was blissful—until our house party happened

We had invited some friends over to celebrate. My wife had worked tirelessly to prepare fried chicken, peppered ponmo, and small chops. As the party got lively, my friends and I enjoyed the chicken, washed down with drinks.

Later two of my friends went to my wife and said they weren’t satisfied and wanted more chicken but she told them it’s finished so they came to me

I knew my wife had set some aside for us to enjoy after the party, but, trying to be the gracious host, I went into the kitchen and gave them what she had kept.

My wife didn’t say anything at the time, but I could sense she wasn’t pleased. I brushed it off, thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

Later that night, when the guests had left, and we had cleaned up, I became hungry again so I casually told her I wanted fried chicken, and that’s when everything blew up.

“Enter the kitchen yourself and fry it because I won’t!” She shouted at me

I was shocked. Then she said something that cut me deeply: “You act like a f00l around your friends, people pleaser.”

I exploded and called her unprintable names but nobody is a match for my wife when it comes to name calling, and in my anger, I raised my hand and almost hit her but I stopped myself.

She looked at me and I saw raw fear in her eyes. Then I barked, “If I come back and there’s no fried chicken, you’ll see the animal in me.”

I stormed out of the house and went to cool off at a beer parlor. Sitting there, I felt miserable. The year is still new, and while other families were celebrating together, I was alone, angry over chicken.

I started feeling guilty. My wife didn’t deserve how I had acted. So I got up, went to a fast food spot, and bought her favorite pizza and ice cream on the way home.

When I got back, the house smelled amazing. On the dining table was a plate of fried chicken, peppered deliciously, and a chilled small stout beside it. But my wife didn’t come out to welcome me like she usually did.

I sat down to eat, but on second thought, I got up, went into the bedroom, and found her curled up on the bed, pretending to be asleep. I tapped her gently, handed her the pizza and ice cream, and knelt down.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It was the best, not me. Please forgive me.”

She was shocked. I had never apologized first before, whether I was right or wrong. The old me would drag the fight until she herself apologized first but this was a new year, and I was trying to be a better husband.

She smiled, helped me up, and hugged me tightly. Feeling relieved, I headed to the dining table to devour the fried chicken, but just as I was about to take a bite, she snatched the plate away.

“It’s cold,” she said, “and I added too much spice because I was upset. Don’t worry, I’ll get a fresh one for you.”

I told her I didn’t mind, but she insisted and threw it in the trash. A moment later, she returned with a freshly prepared batch of fried chicken and served me like a king.

Women eh, they always have reserve. I smiled as I ate to my satisfaction.

The next morning, something strange happened. Not one, but both of our neighbor’s notorious dogs that always scattered our dustbin were found dead.

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

02/01/2025

My mother-in-law is too spiritual for my liking. Everything with her is either “Holy Ghost fire!” or “Devil, you are a liar!” I can’t even have a normal conversation without her dragging heaven and earth into it.

One time, my wife wore a very beautiful dress, out of excitement I shouted, “Omo, mad, mad, mad!”

Before I knew it, mama blasted in tongues: “Kalabaskaroboda!” “Mad ke? No child of mine will associate with madness! Every spirit of madness, OUT in the name of Jesus!”

I’ve been living in fear since she came for Christmas and New Year

One morning, I was driving the family to church. Out of nowhere, a trailer overtook us. I panicked and cursed out, “You’re a baztard, a f00l, armed ro…!”

Mama screamed and I almost crashed, “Haaaa! Don’t call him that! Don’t you know the Bible says, ‘He who calls his brother a f00l is in danger of he||fire?’” She then started praying: “Father, forgive my son-in-law. He does not know what he is saying. Save him from eternal damnation!”

Another time, my wife and I were arguing about something silly. I said jokingly, “Babe, you’re wicked o!”

I didn’t know mama was eavesdropping, next thing she jumped out; “Wicked? In this house? Husband and wife are one. So, are you saying you are wicked too? Haaa, Chineke! What God has joined together, let no man call wickedness!”

I wanted to explain, but my wife whispered, “Just leave it or you’ll start what you can’t finish.”

Our baby isn’t left out. Every time my baby cries, Mama launches into a song:
“Evil arrow go back to your sender, o…!”
Every small thing, she’ll say it’s a spiritual attack.

My wife and I wanted to go out on a date on Christmas day, after applying makeup, Mama saw her and screamed, “Blood of Jesus! Are you trying to look like Jezebel? That’s how it starts o!”

My wife explained it was just foundation. Mama replied, “The only foundation we stand on is Christ. That’s how they initiate people into witchcraft. We need to pray and fast now!”

Fasting ke, on Christmas DAY?!!!

I’ve had enough o! She’s going back to her house this New Year. She has helped us rest at night, but now I need peace during the day

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

01/01/2025

My neighbor is a choirmaster and a guitarist in his church. I know this because he’s always strumming his guitar, and disturbing the peace of our entire building. Morning, afternoon, night—he doesn’t stop.

In fact, the only thing he plays more than his guitar are the girls in his church.

This guy changes women more than Naija babes change accent. Eveyday different women. Fair, dark, thick, slim, short, tall, I believe he has sampled all the babes in his church

He hardly comes out once he goes inside, the only time you see him is when he’s opening door for his female visitors

He hardly talks to anyone in the compound. I guess He doesn’t s**t where he stays. (Story by Ajebo Writer) He’s very quiet, hardly smiles but once he has a female visitor you’ll hear his laughter from across the street

There’s this constant face that comes around. She’s in her early 40s, fine like aged wine, and well-packaged. Anytime she shows up, it’s like she’s his oga on top. He clears the schedule—no other woman dares to visit until she leaves.

Infact I know her very well because of how frequently she comes. At first I thought she was his mother until I caught them kissing at night one time, and since that day, whenever she sees me, she’ll tip me 2k, or 3k….

I was scrolling thorough my WhatsApp status on January 1st when I came across his posts. He was ministering in his church, singing on the altar and people were falling under the anointing

The next slide showed the senior pastor, I assumed this because the man was well dressed in suit and in the front row, on his knees, crying and speaking in tongues. Beside him, his wife was kneeling too, lost in the spirit.

Then she raised her head, and I screamed so loudly. It was the advanced woman that frequents my neighbor’s flat!

I rewatched the video again more than 10 times just to be sure

Then I saved it and quickly chatted him up, wished him Happy New Year then asked him if this was his church

Immediately, the status disappeared. I’m sure he deleted it and probably muted me

Well, too late. Now I know which church I’ll be attending this 2025. Next Sunday, I’ll show up fully dressed, with this knowledge in my pocket. And I’ll go straight to greet Pastor’s wife.

Those 2k and 3k worked in 2024, but this 2025, old things have passed away. If she doesn’t upgrade my silence subscription, I’ll “do the right thing” and confess.

Happy New Year!

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

29/12/2024

The Most Painful Scam I Fell For in 2024

So after Christmas, I drove to the mall near my house to grab one or two things. As I walked in, I saw this adorable little girl, about four years old, throwing a full-blown tantrum. She was crying, rolling on the floor, with catarrh and spit all over her face.

Next thing, her mother used both hands to deliver some heavy blows to her back and head. I was shocked!

Nobody even did anything. One old woman said, “Yes, very good. Spare the rod and spoil the child.”

I couldn’t just stand there, so I rushed over to the woman. “Madam, please stop beating her! What happened?” I begged.

She said, “Uncle, this girl wants to kill me. I came to buy spaghetti, only to find out that the price has gone up again. I can’t even afford as much as I need. But this stupid girl is shouting that she wants Indomie.”

“Where will I find money for Indomie? I’ve told her to manage biscuits, but she started crying and dirtying her clothes. Where will I now see money to buy detergent to wash it?”

I felt so bad for her. “It’s fine, ma,” I said. “Don’t worry. Just take the Indomie. I’ll pay for it.”

Immediately, the girl stopped crying, and the mother started smiling. “Ah, thank you, sir!” she said, turning to her daughter. “Oya, tell this fine uncle thank you.”

The girl was in between sobs said thank you sir

It was so cute. I went to the cashier and told her that I’ll pay for the child’s own then I went in to buy my own things

When I got to the counter to pay, the cashier handed me a bill of over 60k. I nearly fainted.

“60k for what?!” I shouted. “I only bought three things, a roll-on, burger, and yogurt.”

She said it’s the woman and the child’s own

“Is it not just Indomie?” I barked.

“No, sir,” she said, “The woman added two cartons of Indomie, seven packs of spaghetti, one big tin of Bournvita, one tin of Peak milk, and a loaf of sliced bread.”

At that moment, I knew I’d been scammed. I paid the bill because I didn’t want to embarrass myself. But one thing is for sure, it won’t stop me from being kind.

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

28/12/2024

My landlord is fond of entering our houses anytime he likes and asking us what we cooked. Baba won’t leave until he eats.

For weeks now, this man has been eating three square meals from everybody’s houses. Meanwhile, he doesn’t do anything in the house.

If the borehole spoils, we fix
Light has issues, we fix it
Soakaway is full, we drain it

He doesn’t contribute a dime. The only good thing is he doesn’t increase the rent.

Since I moved in, the rent has been the same, but peace of mind has reduced pata pata.

One of my babes came to visit me, so I quickly cooked Jollof rice and fried chicken. (Story by Ajebo Writer) We wanted to eat before I eat her. The next thing, oga landlord barged in.

He sat down on my bed and started watching TV. Omo, I didn’t want to serve the food because I didn’t want him to join. That’s how he sat there, watching TV for over 30 minutes.

I switched off the main switch, but baba laid down and started sleeping. I had to wake him up after an hour to eat, and immediately after eating, he left.

I and the other tenants decided to move out because what sort of inconvenience is this?

I contacted an agent and told him I needed a two-bedroom apartment in a very quiet and peaceful environment where the landlord is late or absent.

The next day, this man asked me to meet him. I went, and he started showing me houses of 1.5M, 2M. (Story by Ajebo Writer) We spent over five hours, and we didn’t see a house less than 1.5M. I told him I didn’t like any of them and that he should keep looking.

The next day, he called me again, and we went out. This time, I went with another tenant also looking for a house.

The use|ess agent started showing me houses of 2.5M, 3M!!!

I got angry and changed it for him.
“Baba, kilosele? My rent is 350k presently, and I’m complaining. You’re showing me houses of 3M? Where I wan see the money?”

He said there’s no two-bedroom for 600k in Lagos again. My neighbor tapped me and said I should leave the man, that he has an agent. Any house you want, the man will find for you, no matter the budget.

Immediately, we called the agent, and I spoke to him on the phone. I told him I wanted a two-bedroom flat for 350k, 400k, and the most I could pay was 450k.

He said, “House deh, but you must pay registration fee of 10k.” The news that there was an available house gave me joy. Immediately, I transferred the 10k to him, and he gave us the location.

It took us about an hour to get to him from my area. (Story by Ajebo Writer) When we finally met him, we entered a bike again and rode for another 45 minutes, then we came down.

We started walking inside thick bush. I turned and looked at my neighbor; he looked at me. I started suspecting him of being a ritualist.
Abi this guy don plan with this agent to kpai me?

I faked a call to my babe and told her I was with my neighbor. I mentioned his name and told her he carried me to look for a house. Then I called two other people and told them the same thing.

After another 30 minutes, we finally reached one swampy, quiet place. The agent smiled and said, “We don reach.”

Then he pointed at a corner and said, “After you cross the bridge, that’s the house.”

Bridge? I was excited small. There’s a bridge here? Okay, so is the house under the bridge?

He laughed and pointed at a wooden plank on the ground and said, “That’s the bridge. Because of the swamp, we have to use the bridge. (Story by Ajebo Writer) And then, over there, that’s the two-bedroom.”

I looked, and the only house I could see was an uncompleted, unpainted, dilapidated building very close to the swamp. Around it were three graves.

I shouted, “Baba, the house no complete na, and no be grave be that? Who died there?”

He asked why I was shouting and said the house was complete. He said once I pay the rent now, in three days, they would finish it so I could pack in. “It’s just painting,” he added.

I could clearly see that even in six months, they wouldn’t complete the work. This guy was saying three days.

“What about the three graves?” I asked.

He said, “Sebi you say you want house wey the landlord no dey? That’s the landlord’s grave, his wife, and their first son.”

I heard a bike sound. I turned and saw the okada man dropping someone. That’s how I jumped and entered the bike, leaving the agent and my neighbor there.

As soon as I got home, I called my landlord and told him, “I have Egusi soup. Come and eat. I’ve bought beer too. Eat, drink, and be satisfied because na man you be.”

I no pack again!

Lagos

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

27/12/2024

There’s this fine mad woman in my neighborhood. Like, very fine, if not for the madness, she’d be a slay queen.

But sadly, her family gave up on her long ago, so she just roams the streets picking dustbin and sleeping half naked on the road

When I moved into the area, I used to cross to the other side of the road whenever I saw her before someone will bite me. Yet, every time she saw me, she’d smile, showing dirty teeth.

The smile use to traumatize me cos why would a mad woman be smiling at me

I always ignored her then she started waving. This went on for months until I noticed she wasn’t the violent type. Slowly, I started waving back after months of her smiling & being nice to only me in the entire neighborhood.

Soon, I was dropping small food, drinks, money and clean clothes for her once in a while.

Next thing, neighbors started calling me her husband. Husband ke?! I warned everyone that tried it severely!

In-fact I almost fought one of my neighbors when he joked that my wife came to look for me and I asked who, he said the mad woman. It was the landlord that saved him that day

Fast forward to this December. I bought a new car, painted my house, decorated everywhere, and hosted a small party because I was celebrating my 30th birthday

That day after the party, I packed rice, chicken, and drink and went to give the mad woman.

People started calling me a “good man.”

A few weeks later, I noticed something—her stomach was growing bigger. At first, I told myself it was overeating. But when it became obvious that she was pregnant, wahala started.

Now everybody is looking at me. Worse is, If they ask her who impregnated her, she’ll smile sweetly and point at me.

The family we have never seen before suddenly appeared claiming I’m responsible and must marry their daughter!

They said I “used her star” because I bought a new car, renovated my house, and threw a small party.

Star? Star that couldn’t stop her from running mad? Star that left her sleeping on the road?

I’ve tried to explain myself, but nobody is listening. Even the landlord is now asking me to pack out because the mad woman’s family has cleared a space outside the building. They said it’s for her, pending when she’ll move in with me.

I can’t even pack out because the family have people everywhere, watching and monitoring my movements, making sure I don’t suddenly move out at night.

Me like this, I’m planning to run away, and I’m prepared to leave my car and the house for them. Normally, I wouldn’t even accept responsibility for a pregnancy that’s not mine not even from a sane woman, so how will I now claim mad woman own?

Tufiakwa!

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

26/12/2024

I don’t know the kind of face God gave me because people just never take me seriously.

Because tell me why I entered my maid’s room one afternoon — 2 PM o! — and there she was, snoring like a generator

Next to her, I see two sachets of Chelsea. This girl didn’t even try to hide them. My wife had barely traveled, and this village househelp already turned my home into ogogoro joint!

Sharply I woke her but before I could say anything, (story by Ajebo Writer) this girl started kneeling and begging me.

Guess what… it wasn’t to apologize for drinking o! She was begging me not to tell my wife!

Imagine the audacity! What about me?! So, you’re not afraid of me? It’s my wife you fear?

Am I a joke to you?

After much begging, I shook my head, removed my boxers and climbed the bed to collect one round as usual to cool my temper

After riding me for almost an hour, I sat up, exhausted, and gave her a warning: “This is the last time. (story by Ajebo Writer) If I catch you drinking in this house again, I’ll punish you and send you back to the village!”

This small girl started laughing at me, a whole me, and telling me she can’t wait for me to punish her.

Can you imagine?

Honestly, I just hope my wife doesn’t give me HIV one day because I don’t know where she keeps finding all these beautiful, small-small village girls with big yansh and even bigger breaztz.

The way she changes house helps eh, only God will save me.

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

25/12/2024

There’s this curvy chic that recently moved into my area. And let me tell you, every single guy in the neighborhood has been eyeing her, including me.

But me? I don’t like competition. All those Yahoo boys with their Benz and fake accents? I couldn’t see myself winning against them. So, I jejely accepted my fate and admired her from afar.

From the looks of things, life wasn’t smiling at her. She was always hustling from morning till night, trying to fend for herself. I even started to feel bad for her.

Then one day, something miraculous happened—she started coming to my compound! Imagine my excitement!

As a sharp guy, I didn’t waste time. I began getting close to her quietly. I noticed she was a foodie so I always offered her the little I had.

I did it codedly because I didn’t want the other guys to know. They have money more than me all these yahoo boys so I secretly made sure I provided enough for her

Despite my humble status, she kept coming back to my place. Me o! The chosen one! I didn’t take it for granted.

Then came the day my life changed forever. She showed up, not alone, but with her two sisters

The “sisters” were even more curvy and light-skinned. I almost fell into temptation on the spot.

Still, I couldn’t turn them away. They were my guests, and as a gentleman that I am, I offered them food whenever they visited. “After all,” I told myself, “givers never lack.”

But today? Today, I saw the real meaning of that proverb.

For Christmas, my office just gave me half bag of rice and 5 liters of oil. This December was suppose to be very Dirty not Detty for me. Then, gbam, she appeared early this morning—with her sisters!

Thank God I wasn’t alone. My brothers were with me.

Immediately they entered our compound, we locked the gate and few minutes later we rounded three of them up, took them to the back, s|it their throats, plucked their feathers and started cooking them one by one.

Well the rice is ready, we’re frying two of the chickens now and roasting one. Christmas is set!

What God cannot do does not exist!

Merry Christmas everyone. Come and join me and eat Friend and roasted chicken!

The end

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

23/12/2024

After the birth of our third child, I began to notice changes in my wife. Her stomach wasn’t as flat anymore, her once-perky breasts had begun to sag, and she was always tired.

I didn’t like the way my wife looked and It frustrated me. Instead of remembering her for who she was in the early stages of our relationship, I started to fixate on her flaws.

I used humor as a cover for my disappointment. “You’re starting to look like your mother,” I’d tease, but the joke didn’t land.

Each time I warned her to be careful or she’d start getting called “grandma,” her face would tighten. She’d snap back, “If you were a woman and had three children, maybe you’d understand.”

Eventually, I stopped mentioning it altogether. I thought I was sparing her feelings, but in reality, I was retreating. I ignored her, and didn’t even notice when she began leaving the house more often.

Then one day, I saw him.

The gym instructor everyone in the neighborhood knew, leaning casually on my car, talking to a woman. She was one of those “baddies” with perfect curves, the kind who made other men turn their heads. I laughed bitterly. “Look at this broke gym guy toasting women by my car,” I muttered.

But then I looked closer. My heart stopped.

The woman wasn’t just anyone. It was my wife.

She looked… different. Slimmer. Radiant. Even her posture exuded confidence I hadn’t seen in years. I had stopped paying attention to my wife and didn’t know she had lost weight and become a baddie in over 7 months

My eyes shifted between her and the gym instructor as they laughed together. She reached out, touched his hand—her signature playful gesture from when we were younger and still in love. Then he leaned in and hugged her.

That was it!

Blinded by jealousy, I stormed outside. “What the f**k is going on here?!” I screamed, pvnching the man. He ducked swiftly, and I stumbled forward, slamming my head on my car bonnet. Everything went black.

I had knocked myself out

When I came to, my neighbor told me the gym instructor had lifted me effortlessly and carried me inside like I was a bag of 5kg rice.

Shame finished me especially when I saw my wife staring at me with a look of regret or pity I couldn’t tell. Later that night, I caught my reflection in the mirror for the first time in months. What I saw was shocking: a bloated face, a growing pot belly, and a body I barely recognized.

I had become the very thing I mocked my wife for.

But my shame soon turned into suspicion. I started watching my wife closely. I’d check her phone, but she always deleted her chats with him. This only fueled my paranoia. I convinced myself she was sleeping with him.

One day, I followed her. She went to his house. I waited outside for two hours, boiling, until she came out. They hugged, and then—my worst fear—a kiss.

That was it. I wasn’t going to let this humiliation continue.

I decided to take action too.

The next day, I went to meet another gym instructor—the one who worked near the bank where I’m a senior manager.

He’s bigger, huger, tougher and meaner. Everyone knows he used to be a criminal before he opened his gym

I went and talked to him. He smiled and asked me how soon I wanted results. I said as soon as possible. He nodded and said we will get to work immediately.

Two weeks later, my wife came home crying.

“He’s dead,” she wailed. “The gym instructor was murdered. Someone sta66ed him multiple times in his house.”

I pulled her close, pretending to console her, but inside, I was jubilant. I had won.

Later that night, when she was asleep, I sent the remaining balance to the man I’d hired. “Thank you,” I texted.

But two weeks later, I received a message from him: “I want to clean your bank the way I cleaned your wife’s lover.”

Panic seized me. I called him immediately, begging him to reconsider. “I can’t do that,” I pleaded. “I’ll lose my job. I could go to jail!”

He laughed coldly. “If you don’t help me, I’ll clean you, your wife, and your family. Then I’ll still clean the bank. But if you cooperate, I’ll make sure you’re rewarded.”

Now, I’m trapped. I don’t know what to do. What should I do? Please advise me.

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

22/12/2024

My wife is a fashion designer but anytime I follow her to her shop, I automatically transform into her apprentice or a fellow tailor

First of all, you’ll hear; “Sweetie, help me hold this mannequin.” Or “Honey, adjust the mannequin, it’s falling.”

Falling ke? Is it drunk?

Then she’ll add, “Stand straight let me measure you.”

Before I know it; “Baby, snap me from this angle… No, not like that! Bend small. Hope this picture will go viral?”

Even when we’re home, my job doesn’t end. I’m either ironing her Ankara material or I’m helping her cutting a fabric

This has been my life from January to December, supporting her business like I don’t have my own life. And now that Christmas has come, madam says she’s doing promo for her ‘loyal customers.’

I’ve been watching her with corner eye as she carefully wraps premium fabrics, irons senator materials, and even adds small jewelry from her Jewelry store.

Me, her number-one unpaid staff, I’ve helped her wrap gifts for over 20 people—20! Yet, I’ve not seen one nylon with my name.

Two things are clear for me

Either she’s planning to surprise me or she’s about to collect her own surprise.

But let me just say this now, this Christmas, if my own package doesn’t show up, on God, Ankara will miss, senator material will miss, and one gold chain go disappear this Christmas.

Ladies, abeg, learn to appreciate your men first. We are your biggest fans, your first clients, and your backbone!

The End

Ajebo Writer

©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne

Ajebo Writer

05/01/2025

03/01/2025

02/01/2025

01/01/2025

29/12/2024

28/12/2024

27/12/2024

26/12/2024

25/12/2024

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22/12/2024

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