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10/07/2025

GRACEFUL EJECTION

“It’s just so nice to be asked to leave a business and not have it followed up with a press release or a possible court appearance. No security footage. Just a good old-fashioned ejection and not even my bag checked. Honestly, I felt respected,” Golriz said chipperly.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/golriz-relieved-to-exit-restaurant-without-being-asked-to-empty-handbag/

09/07/2025

A DIFFERENT KIND OF POWER

The 34 year old was travelling into the capital by train, when she pulled out her secret weapon for gaining Wellington-based clout – a crisp new copy of former prime minister Jacinda Ardern’s memoir, A Different Kind Of Power.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/wellingtonians-social-credit-score-through-the-roof-after-debuting-new-book-purchase-on-train/

09/07/2025

MOA MADNESS

New Zealand has decided it’s finally time to open its own version of Jurassic Park, but with no dinosaurs and a much heavier focus on the recently extinct Moa bird.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/new-zealand-determined-to-start-incredibly-average-version-of-jurassic-park/

08/07/2025

JAFA

The final straw came during a group conversation about regional pride, when Johnston referred to the Bombay Hills as “basically the natural border between Auckland and real New Zealand.”

https://whakatakitimes.nz/aucklander-fraudulently-claims-hes-not-like-other-aucklanders/

07/07/2025

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

After ruling out three of the home side’s tries on Saturday, the television match official is now looking at the alleged French forward pass during the All Blacks’ infamous quarter-final of the Rugby World Cup 18 years ago.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/tmo-now-taking-another-look-at-forward-pass-from-world-cup-quarterfinal-in-2007/

06/07/2025

TRY AGAIN

After originally winning the first test match against France in Dunedin last night, the All Blacks woke up this morning to discover that they had, in fact, lost the game entirely.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/all-blacks-shocked-by-loss-after-tmo-rules-out-all-remaining-tries-overnight/

03/07/2025

WILL POWER

'Every time he plays, we lose money,” said a visibly defeated spokesperson. “We’ve got punters treating Will Jordan like a savings account.”

https://whakatakitimes.nz/

03/07/2025

NOT HER TIME

It came when the media officially confirmed that the “Prominent New Zealander” with name suppression is male, dramatically narrowing down the list of potential suspects and providing immediate relief to fans of You and Me and Suzy’s World.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/media-reveal-prominent-new-zealander-is-male-finally-ruling-out-suzy-cato/

02/07/2025

SAVIOUR TO SINNER

Genevieve Bailey is in a state of medium to severe emotional distress after accidentally sipping her organic banana-nutmeg oat milkshake through a plastic straw on Cuba Street this morning.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/wellington-eco-activist-enters-spiral-of-self-doubt-after-accidentally-using-plastic-straw/

01/07/2025

“JUST WHEREVER THE TEAM NEEDS ME”

“Happy to do what’s best for the team to be honest, whether that’s at 10, 15 or even off the bench,” he explained with a carefully rehearsed grin that he’d been practising at the hotel this morning.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/beauden-barrett-warms-into-test-season-by-practising-non-committal-smile-when-asked-about-playing-10-or-15/

30/06/2025

CONFIDENT GUESSWORK

Blake Bentley, a 32-year-old from Christchurch has emerged as the leading authority on who the recently arrested “prominent New Zealander” is — at least according to his comments in the group chat.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/local-bloke-in-the-group-chat-definitely-reckons-he-knows-who-the-prominent-new-zealander-is/

27/06/2025

DEAD END

“I got chatting to someone straight away, had a great old conversation, but when I tried to give them their chip, I realised I’d been talking to a mannequin the whole time. It was quite a frightening experience,” said Hart, actively looking for the nearest exit of the mall.

https://whakatakitimes.nz/nobody-home-leigh-harts-one-chip-for-every-kiwi-hits-snag-at-johnsonville-mall/

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