24/07/2021
A lot of times, people who are newly diagnosed or identified as autistic seem to be becoming “more autistic.”
What's really happening is that they're finally realizing who they are and why they do what they do. They are losing the will to pretend to be someone else-- someone more like everyone else.
Their speech may lose its fluency. Their food aversions may be stronger. Their desire to socialize in typical ways may be much less.
This period of time can last weeks or months, maybe even years.
What is happening is their resources are taxed. They're unpacking every thought and memory in their mind and understanding it through an autistic lens:
·Remember how my coworkers used to call me Rainman?
·Remember when Mom wouldn't let me go to a party because I couldn't tie my shoes?
·Remember when my little brother used to terrorize me because I couldn't stand my ears or neck to be touched?
·Remember how abused I felt when someone brushed my hair?
·What about that first kiss when I banged their teeth with my teeth? Was that dyspraxia?
·Is that why I made random bird sounds during a faculty meeting?
·Is this why I never could do a handstand or cartwheel in gym class?
·Did that person sexually assault and harass me, but I didn't realize that was wrong?
·Is this why I couldn't drive?
·Did I go through all of high school not using the bathrooms because I'm autistic?
·Is this why I couldn't talk every time I tried to defend myself?
·Did I overshare that time I thought I made a potential future best friend? Wait-- was it too soon to think of them that way? Was that autism, too?!
Before we knew we were autistic, we didn't know why we did what we did or why we needed things to be different. With a million mysteries mystery finally solved with one answer, we spend all our resources processing the past, understanding ourselves in the present, and thinking about what being autistic means for our future.
This dramatic rearranging of everything in our minds is an all-encompassing task that pulls from the resources we used to invest in performing as neurotypical.
We didn't even know we were performing-- or we thought you were, too.
Image Description (thanks to Hold the ableism, please):
A black background with a moon on the top left and little star specs in the sky, and at the bottom there is some sort of worn down grass like it’s a road.
Text: “We are not becoming ‘more Autistic.’ We are becoming less willing or able to hide it.”