29/01/2024
I met my wife over the phone in March 2021. We spoke for hours that night, and a week after, I told her that I liked her and would want to pursue marriage. We started dating in June, I proposed on our one year dating anniversary, and got married in January of 2023( 6 months later).
When a man is ready, he moves intentionally.
Nothing stops a man who’s ready! He communicates with clarity and intentionality. A husband is never comfortable being a boyfriend for long. He wants to move mountains to stamp matrimonial status on your relationship with him. There’s a lot of women who are trapped in directionless relationships with indecisive men who don’t hint about their marital intentions. It’s a red flag for me when a man dates a woman without CLEARLY mentioning his intention for marriage.
It’s either he doesn’t like you enough or he’s considering someone else, or he’s just not ready. When a man meets his wife, something changes about his priorities — he halts many other things to fulfill marrying her. His heart draws him to permanently keeping her. I understand men’s thoroughness to vet their prospective partners to ensure compatibility, but we often omit the conviction that if a man is sure about you, he’ll fearlessly make that move, even with uncertainties. If I may say, too much vetting is killing our dating culture.
People do talking stages 2 years just because they don’t want to rush. Please, I consider this stupid. It’s stupid to me that in 2 years, you are unaware of your standing with your love interest. Self inflicted pain! It gets even more complicated when women give the men s*x in these needlessly long and undefined relationships, or even worse, cohabit with them. Asides religious reasons, culturally, premarital s*x and cohabitation, favors men more. Unfair reality, especially in Africa.
It saddens me when women fight my conservative stance on cohabitation because men love free things! If he can’t pay the price of properly marrying you, stay in your house. Why give what should motivate a man to marry you for free? Not to veer off from my primary subject. When a man is ready to marry, he moves like the wind; fast and certain. His conviction is bigger than his love interest, such that if she says NO, he’d mostly still find another wife not too long after.
I don’t intend to use my courting story as a standard, there are many outliers, but adopt the concept to your peculiar relationship. Three months into being with my now wife, I had spoken to her family, she had spoken to mine, and I spoke with her pastor too. The desire for marriage is beautiful, but some women are single because of their desperation. Men see through your desperation, and offer you inequitable bargains like cohabitation, long talking stages, long unserious dating relationships. It’s also sad that many women find it boring when men state their marriage intentions, upfront. They say “it’s too serious, don’t mention marriage; let’s talk as friends…” While friendship is important, I think it’s been overrated before marriage.
You can build friendship in marriage. Shockingly, what you share with your partner before marriage can never be enough to sustain your marriage. Marriage is not friendship, but friendship is a fraction of marriage. This might be controversial, but valid. I’d really understand if it’s two teenagers involved, but a woman in her late twenties enabling men to waste her time is unwise. You’re 29, and in a 2 year old situationship. With another man, you could have been 29, and happily married with one child.
It’s almost a taboo to mention time factor in regard to marriage, but it’s important. You’re too old to be entertaining unreasonable men for long! It’s not desperation; it’s intentionality. You’re too old to be having ‘fun’. Reckless premarital fun is not favorable to women. A player(male) can wake up and marry in a month, but a played woman could hurt for two years. It’s not a fair play. Women, protect yourselves. Wear the wisdom of God. Above all, pray for discernment.
I could address men, but it’s better to address the party(potential victims) with less cultural power to initiate marriage. The dating scene has changed so much. Equip yourself with godly discernment. Stay smart and shun wokeism. You’re getting old.
I’m not demonizing long dating relationships, but critically ensure that there are STRONG evidence of intending marital commitment. No matter how long you date, dating is dating, and marriage is marriage, and there is a security only marriage provides.
© SOLOMON BUCHI
