16/10/2023
*S*x on the Scene*
I watched Half of a Yellow Sun with my father. We traveled a lot together, and in this case were alone in his hotel suite when we watched the movie. It was a great bonding experience till the s*x scene.
Suddenly, it felt like there was a cloud over the room, my head started spinning because I had not screened the movie before asking him to watch with me. They were sh****ng, we were watching, Together.
That was the day I knew I had a poker face that could win me a billion dollars. My face was as straight as the "straight and narrow" way to Heaven.
I knew the rules... no sudden movements, no talking, count 60seconds. If it wasn't over in 60seconds, then get up and go and pretend to p*e. As a movie legend, I knew the cardinal rules of S*x in the scene.
Growing up, we screened movies before we watched with parents. If you are a millennial, you know that there is a way to behave when watching a movie with s*x scenes if your parents are in the room.
Movie watching legends know when s*x is about to hit the scene in any given movie. You see the mood, candle light dinner maybe, then some mushy gist, then the first kiss. In some cases, they turn away from each other, but come back kissing intensely.
Truly, any good "Watcher" can smell s*xual energy between two characters. In some cases, some watchers even get annoyed when the projected "Shaggers" don't s**g.
However, there are also these movie where the s*x scene hits the screen without warning. The scene before is cool and nice, then suddenly you hear "... ... ..." You already know what I am talking about.
If you have screened the movie, you employ the advantage of acting busy a scene to the knacking scene. You suddenly act like you remembered a chore you had not completed, and you "Cut Out!" before the s*x scene.
Parents always somehow found themselves alone during s*x scenes for movies we already pre-screened. As kids, we never discussed it amongst ourselves, but we just knew how to remain virgins in the eyes of our parents.
Interestingly, we couldn't dodge every s*x scene, so we also had hacks for when we couldn't leave the room. It so happens that when you cannot make it out on time and the knacking just happens, you have to freeze, calculate the quantity of saliva you swallow, and keep a poker face.
No random, sudden movements.
If you are a daring youth, you could take the remote control and move the scene. That was also a dangerous move though, because if my Mum was watching with you, and she was in the mood for "Sh!t-Giving", she would ask "did you not know that it is not a Jesus Feem?" lol.
In the case of my dad and I, and the "s*x on the scene" for the movie "Half of a Yellow Sun", I was blindsided with the scene, and so we watched it complete.
Half way through it, I was almost sweating under the air conditioning. Only God knows why I was tripping, s*x is s*x right?
Was I the one who wrote the script? Is it my fault that a s**gg scene had to make it into such a captivating movie? Was I born of immaculate conception? Of Course I should know a thing or two about it.
And come to of it, what were watching was what he did with my Mom that brought me to earth , who am I to try to shield him from it.
Well, for an Apostle of The Apostolic Church, Prof was interestingly cool with the movie. We have several movies we have bonded over, and we remind each other of jokes and lines from the movies.
We never spoke of the s*x in the scenes, but I promise you, the awkwardness of watching it with him was epic. That was the day I also understood that his silence meant
"...You are grown up know, and you already know about this, that's if you are not already doing it..."
The moral of the experience for me was that he knew I was of age, and I could make informed choices, thus it would be pretentious to act like I wasn't already exposed to it.
If you are a millennial from a pentecostal background, I know you too may have some hilarious "s*x in the scene" stories.
Care to share?
PS - Just asking for No Reason, Have you met my wife? ObroriIvy Nia Fakae
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