02/09/2021
You'll be better at being you when you know who you are – who GOD says you are.
~ Patricia Igarama.
Q91 – Good day ma'am. I am 17, a female. I'm having a family issue. I never get to do anything myself...I have two step sisters who are twins, age 2. The challenge is, my mum is using the upkeep of her kids to disturb me...I get to sit at home most school days because of my kid sisters, which has really affected me a lot and I am getting frustrated and planning on leaving home. What should I do?
Miss Trisha: You're 17...and you have twin step sisters, age 2 and you have to babysit them, if I got your question correctly...this is affecting your studies, hence frustrating...
A few questions I'll like to ask:
1. How about your dad? If they are step sisters, it would mean that they are fathered by some other person...you don't share paternity with them. So, where's your dad? And where's their father?
2. Do you stay with your mum and your step father or it's just you, your mum and the girls?
3. What's your mum's occupation?
4. Have you tried talking with her about it? What was her reaction like?
Leaving home IS NOT a part of the options (at least not yet). Some facts have to be determined.
If you're going to leave home, where are you leaving to? To stay with some relative or a friend?
I know this is tough...but listen, a lot of times, the challenge isn't what happens to us (situations and circumstances), it is how we respond to what happens to us. First, let's be sure that you're not beginning to put up odd behavioural patterns. I know you're not happy with your mum for all the stress she's putting you through...but trust me, she is also having it tough. I'm not sure any mother would want her child to fail or suffer some form of setback. I'm sure she's doing what she can to remedy the disturbances you're experiencing. She may not be able to communicate everything to you, but just know that she's trying to work things out.
If your dad isn't in the picture, it means she's solely responsible for your upkeep and upbringing. If this is the situation, believe me, it's really hard on her...really hard on her.
I wouldn't know if she and your dad divorced or are separated for some reason...remember that she's not just a mother to you, she's also trying to be a wife to some other man. Single parenting isn't pleasant at all.
So, if she's trying to be both a dad and mum to you, and still trying to work her marriage with your step father and sisters, there'll be some friction somewhere until she gets help.
This is what you will do:
1. We're going to pray for her, of course. (If you've been following the articles, you must have observed that GOD is a serious deal in our existence. So, we're going to bring Him in. And trust me, if the situation goes out of our hands, it cannot go out of His hands). And right now we pray for you and her...Father GOD, we commit this child of yours and her mum into your loving arms. We're so sure you love them. Please, come through for them and help them solve whatever difficulty they are experiencing right now as you teach their hearts to trust you...in Jesus name...AMEN!
2. You're going to try to speak with her. Now don't be disrespectful. You're simply and honestly going to let her know how difficult babysitting the girls have been for you...talk to her about your studies and make her see the lapses that skipping classes are producing. Hey dear, this is a conversation, not an argument. Be respectful.
Before you do this, however, let's think of ways you can actually help her in making raising the girls interesting and less burdensome....
If money is no challenge, is there a creche the girls can be taken to (at least until they start schooling)? Financial challenges? How about a home they can be kept at (a family friend that can be trusted)?
If you attend church, you may want to talk with someone that can be of some help (of course, church is family). So, while the girls are at the creche or with a family friend, you could attend classes and concentrate on school work. And when you get back, you could assist mummy in taking care of the girls (remember, they are your sisters too).
If these options aren't feasible, how about enrolling them in a school? At 2, they should be able to adapt conveniently to a learning environment. This would give mummy time to work or run her business while you also focus on your academics and development. Or, what do you think? (smiles)
With these suggestions in mind, you can go on to initiate a conversation with your mum and expect the best outcome. See, pray to GOD, tell Him honestly what the challenge is and what you want, He'll drop ideas in your head and strategies to promote them (even people to talk with). GOD is interested in every detail of your life...please don't leave Him at the door.
Until you've exhausted all of your options, leaving home is a NO NO, my darling.
I know it's hard, trust me, but you're going to be fine. Some persons have encountered worse situations and came out better and stronger. You too can.
Q92 – I have a crush on someone but don't know how to go about it? (m)
Miss Trisha: Hmmmmmn...a crush! So, you're saying that a girl is tickling your emotions and you cannot contain it, you just have to respond? (Smiles) Trust me dear, I can understand the feeling and it is completely normal. But, can we talk a bit more about this 'crush'? Great! When you say you don't know how to go about it, do you mean you do not know how to manage these feelings that are cropping up on you OR you're saying you want to explore the excitements and go for some experiment? (Smiles). What you're going to do is address the feelings and get them straightened out, 'there ain't gonno be no exploration naah', (winks). Now that's not proper English, so SKIP.
Let's get this straight though: This crush, what does it feel like? I know it's a feeling, of course it has to be a feeling, one that is beginning to translate into a desire, am I correct? So, what is this feeling like? Have you been friends with this girl for a while, you talk a lot, you enjoy her company; she looks so perfect you want to spend more time with her; you want to talk more about personal things and all of that? Is this what your 'crush' feels like? If this is what you mean, let's get some facts straightened out – one, it is a feeling and subject to change, which means this feeling will definitely change. So you're not going to tie yourself around a particular excitement that comes and goes. Plus, you must also understand that this feeling (do I say 'crush' now) is subjective – determined by the object of your fancy. In other words, today you might have a crush on girl one and tomorrow you have a crush on girl two; the day after, you have a crush on girl three and like that. The reason is simple: whatever is getting you attracted to this girl is going to change when you see another girl who has a quality you feel is 'more', and you admire (usually physical).
Then, you're going to encounter different amazing girls as you grow older, and if you spend quite some time together, or see features in them that make you feel fly, you'll just keep on 'crushing'. It's just like that. So, imagine that you 'like' Betty for example, for some reason, and sometime later Freda comes along and you like this particular thing about her – she 'blows your mind' and crushing happens, then, after a while Tina comes around, then you realise 'Oh boy, Tina is just my spec', she's dark-skinned, tall...blah blah blah. That's how the crushing spree continues. Crushing never has depths, it is ALWAYS physical. You're drawn to that girl because of some physical attribute and whatever the force of attraction, my dear, it is shallow. It will wane. So, don't fan those desires please.
Remember, you are still teenagers – your parents or guardians are still responsible for you and you're accountable to them. At this age, you cannot make certain decisions for yourself because you can't handle the repercussions – so whatever poor or wrong decision you make will become a family burden as you do not have the capacity to manage anything effectively all by yourself right now. Try to pause your feelings for that girl and think – 'to what end is all of this crushing young man?' What good does it hold for me and for the object of my affection?
Don't put a dent on future possibilities and satisfaction for a present gratification that's but for a moment. I'm not sure you can bear the effect. Feelings are subject to change.
Then, you should also know that anybody you spend quality time talking with frequently, you get attracted to over time, except you're disciplined enough to define it and understand the red signals. It is natural. This means that you're going to like different girls at different points of your life, however, you cannot swear your allegiance to all of them – it has to be just one – the one who will want to get married to. I remember talking with some teenager a while back who was amused (or do I say angry now), when I mentioned that he could not keep a girlfriend until he was old enough to contemplate marriage. This might not be popular, it's just the reality – the safest reality where dating is concerned. And if you're going to do otherwise, be prepared to face the consequences of that poor decision. If you don't want premarital s*x, the demands of an uncontrolled s*xual passion, or even get a girl pregnant...deflate those feelings now. And, expect to be attracted to girls. But, never allow your feelings define your direction. The kind of man you want to be, what sort of husband and father you want to be will keep you disciplined and committed to your development at this stage of your life. S*xual drives are strong, I know, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide a balanced and fulfilling s*xual life in a world of s*xual disorder. Please, preserve your s*xual sanity – keep your feelings in check.
Q93 – What counsel will you give to an asthmatic patient on how to manage the disease?
Miss Trisha: Oh! Okay...Miss Trisha isn't a medical personnel, however, a professional in the medical field has brooded over your question. The next voice you hear is his!
Med. Physiologist Emmanuel Igue: For a patient who is asthmatic, whether male or female, the management is same. It is not gender based. First thing to remember: what are your known triggers? Have you identified them? Known triggers could be smoke, pungent smell, dust, particles in the air that can cause allergies, exercises or stuffs that increase oxygen demands. These are triggers for an asthmatic attack. You will have to avoid all these things – strenuous exercises, frying in a stuffy environment, inhaling dust, etc. Avoid stuffy areas. You should always keep an inhaler close in case of emergencies. You might need an inhaler to prevent emergency attacks, in order to open up the airways again for easy breathing. There are various kinds of inhalers. There's that one you can use daily, and another you use for emergencies. When you go to a pharmacy, you'd be educated on the different types.
Medically, asthma cannot be cured but can be managed, such that a person can live a normal life despite the condition. There are persons who have it as a long term challenge, in the sense that the attacks are frequent. For such persons, it is advisable that they always go about their normal activities with their inhalers. But if your attacks only come when there are triggers, you should have your inhaler, of course. However, it is advisable that if it is something that is really a big issue, you could be on medications. There are several medications that can be taken like aventolin tablets, aminophylin tablets. These are taken daily just for prevention. Remember: tablets are not for emergencies, you use an inhaler for emergencies. These are some basic information you'll need on the management of asthma.
One more thing: avoid exposing yourself to cold. When the weather is cold, cover up properly. Focus area is the chest. Exposure to cold can trigger an attack. When you expose the body to cold, especially the chest, it can cause broachatis and when this occurs, it compresses the lungs and narrows the airways such that breathing becomes difficult. One starts to have whizzing breaths. It isn't something to be afraid of. Just know what your triggers are and avoid them, keep an inhaler close. You may also want to visit a pharmacy for more information. I hope this helps.
Miss Trisha: Big big thank you to our guest on this episode– Med. Physiologist Emmanuel Igue. We really appreciate your time and professional counsel. Dear teen, I'm sure that the question has been properly attended to. Let me sat this, you don't have to define yourself by the challenge you're currently experiencing. You're a unique person and there's no limit to your success. You'll win.
Q94 – Is there a particular age a girl must attain to have a boyfriend? (f)
Miss Trisha: Hmmmmn, there are butterflies already singing a love song in your stomach, right? 😁 To your question, there isn't one easy answer that fits everyone, since you may have strict parents, or a unique cultural or religious background. You'll need to ask yourself some questions as well as ask the advice of people you trust to help you decide if it's time to have a boyfriend. I do not know you so well, I just know you're a teen. So this is how I'm going to answer your question.
Of course, there is, but it's not a figure. So, I'm not going to say 19 or 20 or 23. I'll ask a few questions, just follow the cue, you'd see the answer for yourself.
Here's the first question, are you ready for one? At what age do you think you'll be mature enough to start a home? Make a house into a home with a man? Have you ever thought of it? I guess you already know what constitutes a healthy relationship. You don't? Really? Can you be responsible for another person? Right now, would you be able to share the burden of another successfully? Your physical development does not equate your emotional development. And trust me, dating requires a good dose of emotional stability and intelligence for fulfilling interactions with your partner. Would you say that you're emotional mature? To be emotionally mature means your feelings do not dictate your direction, a good sense of judgement does. Some persons are as good as mature at 18 while some can still be babies at 22. We mature differently you see.
Teenage relationships can gather steam quickly. That's the reason you must be mature enough to know how far is too far and what brakes to apply. Place your own mental and emotional development ahead of getting involved with another person.
Two, why do you want to have a boyfriend? (Whether now or later) Whatever your age, knowing why you want a boyfriend is important. You should think about it really. It will guide how you do your relationship.
Companionship and a partner to share life with are good reasons for wanting to seriously date one specific person...and this one person should be for marriage. This is not a popular opinion, but I don't need it to be popular to sound it. Why would you want to share your life with someone who doesn't think you good enough to be his wife? If you feel unhappy or incomplete, keep in mind that a person can't fulfill that for you.
Three, what's dating to you? Your ideas about dating will affect how you treat a boyfriend. If you want to get married (I'm sure you do😇), you will expect more loyalty and long-term plans out of a boyfriend than if you just wanted to date a lot of guys and weren't worried about being too serious. And the latter is a NO NO! You're not a piece of specimen for some laboratory experiment. You're not for sampling. So, do not sell yourself cheap.
If you don't know why, you'll abuse it and expose yourself to avoidable hurts. I realise that some folks cannot tolerate their siblings, people they grew up with and saw practically everyday. How easy do you think it'll be to tolerate someone you barely know because you think you love them? I know that what most young people call love is what they feel for that member of the opposite s*x. What happens when the feelings go away? Yes, they do. The feelings take a break evey once in a while, what do you do then? Having a boyfriend is going to take a whole lot of your time. Successful relationships are built intentionally, they don't fall on your laps because you love a person. It is necessary work. Are you this person right now?
My candid advice: don't date yet. As a teenager, don't get emotionally attached to a guy yet. One thing you can do right now is learn what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are books on the subject. Plus, there should be a couple around you really admire. Have you learnt their secret? You may also want to learn about boys. But you don't need a boyfriend to do that. Practice general friendships. One on one time with a boy can be daunting and can also invite physical temptations, so you may want to start going on dates with a boy in a group with friends.You should have siblings, friends, classmates or neighbours that are boys. Observe them, study them...Just avoid emotional attachments. This will prepare you to effectively build a relationship when you start one because you would have understood the peculiarities of boys and applaud them. One more thing: determine what your personal goals and dreams are. It will define the kind of man you want to spend/share your life with.
'But the boys keep coming Miss Trisha. How do I deal with that? That's totally normal...you're a girl, you're attractive..., the boys will keep coming. Lemme share a little story. I had quite a number of boys as friends as a teenager. Matter-of-fact, I kept more of boys as friends than I did girls. And most of them liked me and wanted me to be their girlfriend. Before now though, I had decided I wasn't going to date anyone. That already took care of my responses to the guys when they showed up with their rhymes.😅 Of course, there were some I really liked, but I had schooled myself too much on the subject of emotional attachments to allow my feelings drive me. Plus, I made almost all of my male friends come home. So, mummy knew who I was walking with or visiting. I should say this helped my emotional sanity as a growing girl. Take a moment to ponder the kind of woman you want to be.
Q95 – I cannot read well and I'm already done with secondary school. This is shameful and I don't know how to go about it? (m)
Miss Trisha: Oh Oh! Now don't feel embarrassed. I can understand how feels. But trust me, you don't have to feel inadequate. I frequently remind myself there's always a way (and there'll always be a way for me). It's good to know that you know you need help here and want to be helped. Don't blame anyone for your current condition okay, that'd only hurt you more. If you wrote this question yourself, it means you're not so bad. So, this is what you'll do:
Get story books – kids story books with non-complex words. Start reading. Commit time to it daily. Keep a dictionary close so you can look up seemingly difficult words. And don't be passive about it. This will not only improve your reading skill, it will also add to your word-bank. You don't have to be ashamed of this. It's brave to want to be better at reading, knowing the challenge you have. In addition to story books, if it's really difficult for you to recognise and pronounce words, pick up Queen Primer and start to practice. The words are non-complex. If you can make sense of two and three letter words, practice will come easy.
See another trick, complex words are derived from shorter words. So, when you see a word, break it into bits and pronounce one bit at a time. These are called syllables. Pronunciation doesn't have to be so much of a headache. But you have to be diligent to create the change you want. Every worthwhile change requires discipline. And you have to be patient with yourself and the process to command any change. Now, this takes time, but you can.
Another thing you might want to do is look around you for someone who can help. Now, don't stall your processes. Keep making moves towards academic growth but don't ignore this challenge. Give yourself a target and set timelines. Don't be shy to talk to someone you know can help. 'Hello friend, I really need some help. Reading fluently is quite taxing for me. I lose my confidence when I have to read, especially before a crowd, because I don't trust my skill. Can you help me polish up a bit, please. I want to be accountable to someone.' I'm sure if that person is in a position to help, they won't turn you down.
Then, if you think you require a coach, talk with your parents or guardians about it and engage the services of one. Then, do what is required of you. Success is the progressive realisation of a worthy ideal, Earl Nightingale points out. And it is true. Anyone can become successful at anything they give their time, energy and attention to. Remember: Reading isn't just one skill, it is an activity made up of several different skills. One of which is knowing what letters make which sounds (phonemic awareness), fluency, vocabulary, then developing the mechanical system for identifying words. The parts of the reading system grow together.
Another important point: read out loud when you read. No, don't read in your mind, read with your mouth. Let your ears hear what your mouth is saying and your mind interpret it. You'll be able to spot frequently made mistakes, identify the sounds the letters make and similar sounding letters, and improve your cognitive speed. Accountability makes you responsible. Be accountable to someone who can really watch out for your growth. They may be age mates, younger or older persons, be sure that it's someone that can hold you accountable.
TRISHA'S WALL
Keeping your head above water isn't simple. It isn't something that happens because you wish it to happen. My darlings, please remember this one important lesson, never go with the crowd. Yes, it can be lonely and scary, but it's okay. You'd realise overtime that choosing to find your own rhythm will position you for stability, balance and fulfilment. Don't mindlessly do everything everyone is doing.
Teenage is a beautiful time. Quite a number of persons come into know of who they want to be and what they want of life in this phase. Please don't be casual with it. I know there's a lot of pressure. What with trying to keep up with school work, improve your grades, win the admiration of your peers and get your parents to give you some break from the rules. It can be overwhelming. But I want to ask you (I think I did some time ago): what kind of a woman or man would you want to be when you become an adult?
The little deliberate things you do with yourself right now will make all the difference. You don't have to go through life confused, your vision can be clear. Start with questioning your intentions and impulses, then defining your value. Have you ever heard to write the vision and make it plain upon tablets, that he may run that reads it? For me, I want to be someone that inspires people, not just by what I say or do, but with who I am. Did you attend the ValueDriven Teen Seminar? It's fine if you didn't. But one thing one of the speakers said really stood out to me: 'Value to me is what is said of me when I leave a room. It is what I bring with me when I enter a space. It is what the people who know me best say about me'.
What I bring with me when I enter a space! This is so thought provoking. You're not too young to know what you want in life and why. Start now. And get GOD in the picture. It's really important. Because of what Jesus has done, GOD is now Father to us. And trust me, He wants to help you all the way, please don't shut him out.
I look forward to talking more with you and getting your questions. Be free to use the handles to connect with us, okay.
Love,
Patricia.
'reSpecial
,2021.
{Patricia Igarama}
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