31/05/2024
21 RULES TO SURVIVE IN NAIROBI
1. Don’t go to downtown if you don’t have to.
2. If you move into a new house, please use two padlocks on the door.
3. Ukitembea tao uskie mtu amesema “oya oya” (excuse me) don’t turn around, just move to the side.
4. When boarding a mat, check the condition of your window..that’s where your phone might exit from.
5. No one should pray for you on the streets regardless of your situation in life.
6. Chapati will always be 30bob, A smokey (localised sausage) is 30bob, mayai (egg) is 25bob.
7. Afya Center..Don’t even stop to swallow your saliva, pita ukikimbia. Walk mercilessly! And if you have hips, use them to pave way for yourself! Elbows pia ni weapons… Unapita ukienda bila kuangalia nyuma. If someone hits you as you walk along the streets, hit them back because no one apologizes for such mistakes in this ciry!!
8. If you feel lost just go to the Kenya National Archives, you will pick your bearing from there.
9. In case someone drops anything in front of you, don’t pick, run like your life depends on it. Hata ukiitwa siste siste, achana nayo.
10. Instead of going to kanjo washrooms, just get into Ushirika house, tell the guards you are going to office 24, it is actually a washroom labelled by mistake or If you are pressed, ingia Hilton, Stanley, Norwich union etc..Confidence is key here.. Kuna free parking Serena. Play like yourself though..
11. Wakati wa mvua usinyeshewe k**a mimea hapo kwa corridors, get in supermarkets watch news from 85″ Samsung screen. Fanya window shopping hata k**a hununui kitu. Confidence ndio muhimu. Be smart nanii!!
12. Don’t bargain on everything. The trick is, the quality will keep reducing as the price goes down.
13. Avoid eye contact na hawker especially ukiwa traffic jam. Otherwise you’ve already signed a purchase contract.
14. When tired under the scorching sun in town, don’t go to Archives or Hilton. Just go to KCB KENCOM, pick a bank ticket and sit there the whole day. Add yours
