22/08/2023
Nairobi Shamba la Mawe!
Waaaadaaau!! Looks like noma mliamua kuachia direct line mbikos! I have suffered in this Nairobi Yohh!
So, me, as a Rift valey babe, I decide I am 27 years of experience, and I would like to settle. I mean, get my Adam and build our empire. I throw myself in the dating game and ensure I look kiudu nice! kiudu beautiful. I change my wardrobe and get a new set of make-ups so that I’m able to compete with ‘aya ahiki a Nairobi kunyoroka, bakoli, bakoli ahiki kuenyura’ translation: all Nairobi babes are light skinned and have big bumbums!
I start by walking like a lady and ensuring my facial muscle is loose and smiley to entice the sons of Bathlomeo! I also visit nice places and take pretty pictures of myself standing and sitting with angle theta for the fundamendos to pop! I hear men are eyes and the way to their heart is food!! If you know you know! I ensure I post these photos on all my social media platforms with my english of Havard captions!
Kidogo kidogo, I begin to get very interesting DMs. Mimi k**a Dee and as a christian, I respond to all of them, (Okay not all, but all those that have a great profile and a killer sense of purpose lols!)
But there is this one DM that caught my eye, ‘Hey Ms. Dee, I know you have heard this before and therefore I wont waste my time saying you’re beautiful! But allow me to say that you appear like a genuine great person. I’d love to meet you. Lets plan’ Ah! I immediately feel like I have met my prince charming, I begin to scroll his facebook profile which has scanty information like your boyfriends plans! I stumble over an instagram video of his on his TL and click on it, and it takes me to his Instagram page aaaaand let me tell you Maina!!! Kijana mali saf! Inaendesha gari safi, inaishi kwa nyumba murwa, kijana inafanya kazi na international NGO! No traces of marriage or female relationships on his profile! At this point, I begin to doubt what such a profile could be doing online inboxing ladies. But then, I quickly slap that thought with ‘ ata mimi I’m a good person and reading and responding to DMs!! I rest that case!!
Fast forward, I decide to slide into his DM and respond fasta fasta mbikos mwenda tezi na omo marejeo ni harusi alililili!! We plan to meet and we decide on the place (Outside Nairobi wadau) He was suggesting very high end places but we settled on something in Naivasha. By now we have already exchanged our phone numbers and the conversation is taking shape on WhatApp and calls. G*i! Wadau, did i tell you he sounds like a sleepy Jeff Koinange! Deep voice but soft, authoritative yet kind! Sexxy but in control! Wueh! At this point wacha DJ weka ‘ mkimuona ananichuna, msinione huruma, cha mtu huliwa na mtu...
Anyways, the traveling day came and ni**er sent me money to buy what we would need on the way in the morning at around 6.24 a.m. Yani M-pesa ilitingika mpaka tecno camon 19 yangu ikabadilisha screen colour!! Haha. A satanic voice in my head started whispering, ama nizime simu nisiende nimblock nikule hii pesa? But Moraika Gafurieli, said No! Then I thought, ama nimwambie I have an emergency ndio nipate zingine next time? Moraika, repeated No! Okay I remembered I needed a husband and so I must behave.
I did buy what we needed and he picked me close to our estate and the journey began. But its how he hugged me that left me breathing like the cabbage lorry that ferries cabbages and potatoes from Nyandarua to Nyairofi! He smelt so heavenly! He was more good looking than his photos! The dental formula was to die for!! I started doubting myself at some point, wondering how on earth I had attracted this gem!! I know I'm a beauty but wueh! Wacha Mungu aitwe Mungu.
Anyways, we hit the road and his car felt like home! It's the way I couldn't feel the bumps and the potholes! Yani the flamboyance whenever we hit a bump! And he kept on saying ' you're pretty' stretching his left hand over to my left thigh, and myself smiling sheepishly while snacking on crackles and sipping my vanilla milkshake! Hamkuniambia soft life hukua tamu ivo!
We got at the view point and he asked if I wanted to breathe! I was game! I actually wanted to take photos! He parked, stepped out, walked over to the other side
Shekerereremakayando! Sande yesu! You have to know that this is my first experience a man opening a car door for me!!
I acted like it's a normal thing for me and proceeded to walk to the view point, he locked the door and followed me, kidogo kidogo he hugged me from behind and said ' this view never looses its magic' and I composed myself and responded 'I agree its pretty breathtaking!' He pressed his body against mine and I could now feel his msolombo pressing against my nyash!! But pretended not to care because mwana mwega no….?
We hopped back to the car and the safari continued, it didn't take long and we were in our destination and meeeeen I loved the place! The entrance was all lit and well manicured, the guards were so kind and welcoming, he had made a special reservation and immediately we came out of the car, some maasais were dancing around our car as they held a placard written ' karibu Dee' maaama yangu!!! All this for me??? My heart began to pound
The Maasais gave us some red and black checked shukas and ushered us to our room. My heart began to pound! For once i felt like Sarah Kabu during her public car gifting in Nairobi CBD; Jabo jaboo! Honestly I have never experienced such hospitality! My guy, who from this point on, I will refer to by his actual name, Jeff, was just grinning and warmly saluting the Maasais as a sign of gratitude. Dee wanyu ri! Smiling from ear to ear like a goat and saying ‘Asanti, ashanti, to everyone.
We got to our room and Jeff asked me to feel free and let loose. ‘Let loose?’ I questioned myself but i said haithuru. Jeff said we can freshen up, go eat then proceed to try the hot air balloon. So I unpacked my kasmall bag, organized my few clothes in the drawer and grabbed the towel and jumped into the shower. I put on the shower and the water was warm, the shower gel was smelling heavenly. Dee wanyu ri, decided to misuse the shower gel and applied it from the face to the toe. Just as I was scrubbing it with my pantie, (apparently I had forgotten my sin washer, my super brite, my muosho mmoja, my kagunia at home) Jeff knocked and asked, ‘hey, can I join? I could blurry see him through the misty bathroom glass partition. He was wearing his birthday suit. My heart dropped into my stomach! I giggled and said ‘sawa’ and he came in.
We took turns washing and scrubbing each other like dem girls scrubbing their mbabas viparas at Gemini club for shots😃
Lemmi sip some water for the final part tondu weeh😋😋
