HumpusDeri

29/11/2021

3 ways we sabotage relationships (and 3 ways to kick the habit)
Popular culture has plenty of examples of people sabotaging their romantic relationships.

In the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, Kat says she has no interest in romantic engagements. Then Patrick asks about her dating style:

You disappoint them from the start and then you’re covered, right?

But as the plot develops, we learn this is Kat’s way of protecting herself, to cope with the trauma of a previous relationship.

Other people move through relationships searching for “the one”, making quick assessments of their romantic partners.

In the TV series The Mindy Project, Mindy is a successful obstetrician and gynaecologist with poor relationship skills. She has a trail of relationship failures, and partners who did not measure up. She is looking for the “perfect” love story with unrealistic expectations.
Another example is Jacob in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love. He quickly moves through sexual partners night after night to avoid a serious commitment.

In the same movie, we meet Cal and Emily, who stayed in a marriage long term but had become complacent. This caused them to split, but once they started to work on themselves, they found a way to reconnect.

Read more: What is 'the ick'? A psychological scientist explains this TikTok trend

What is relationship sabotage?
My team and I define relationship sabotage as self-defeating attitudes and behaviours in (and out of) relationships. These stop relationships succeeding, or lead people to give up on them, justifying why these relationships fail.

Most importantly, relationship sabotage is a self-protection strategy for a win-win outcome.

For example, you might feel you win if the relationship survives despite your defensive strategies. Alternatively, if the relationship fails, your beliefs and choice to protect yourself are validated.

Why do we do this?
We found people sabotage their relationships mainly because of fear. This is despite wanting an intimate relationship.

As Sam Smith says in their song Too Good at Goodbyes:

I’m never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts.

29/11/2021

Should I take a gift? As borders open, how to prepare for reuniting with your grandkids
As border restrictions lift, family reunions are being planned around Australia. This is an exciting but also uncertain time, particularly for grandparents who have been separated from grandchildren.

Over the past months (and in some cases, years), grandchildren will have grown and changed. They may have new interests, routines and skills. You may even have the transformative experience of meeting a new grandchild for the very first time.

With older grandchildren, digital technologies may have kept you in contact and up-to-date. But with younger grandchildren, this is harder, and it may be time to rekindle relationships.

We are researchers investigating the roles grandparents play and the influence this has on families and communities. So, how can grandparents make the most of this time?
The special role of grandparents
Due to increased lifespans, grandparents have more time and ability to invest in their grandchildren than ever before in human history.

The grandparent-grandchild relationship can be a very special one. A grandparent’s involvement in a child’s life, whether through shared actives or a listening ear, is linked to the child’s well-being.

The benefits depend on your family situation, but can include improved psychological adjustment for grandchildren, increased workforce participation for mothers, and a longer and happier life for grandparents.

The importance of asking questions
When preparing to see your grandchildren again, our first suggestion is to ask your grandchild’s parents what they think is a good idea for your first catch-up. What does your grandchild enjoy doing at the moment? What is their daily routine? Is there anything to avoid?

If you are meeting a grandchild for the very first time, bear in mind the parents have gone through huge changes since you last met. As with older children, ask the parents what will suit them in terms of visit type and time.

Read more: New research shows how hard it is for 'flying grannies' to care for their Australian grandkids

Be open and honest about what support you think you can provide, and be aware the parents needs may change (they may want more or less help than they anticipated).

When it comes to discussing the changes a new baby has brought, grandparents are trying to juggle in their mind the thrill of participating in their grandchild’s life, without disrupting or overstepping parents’ boundaries. From our yet to be published research, we understand this is not a simple matter for many families, but starting the conversation is important in maintaining these valuable relationships.

29/11/2021

Iris Murdoch: what the writer and philosopher can teach us about friendship
Making friends might come easier to some people than others, but in general, we all use the same criteria for forming relationships. We are drawn to people who share our interests, or who we simply like and admire.

Once we make friends, we tend to hold them in high esteem. We speak positively about our friends, sometimes ignoring or downplaying their negative qualities. For many people, this positive outlook is the core of friendship – being a “good” friend is a matter of thinking and feeling positively about them, as well as acting in caring ways towards them.

This type of friendship is what I’ll call “knowledge-free” – it involves no requirement to really know or understand the other person. On the flip side, this view of friendship suggests that having negative beliefs about your friends (even if those beliefs are warranted) makes you a worse friend.

As an ethicist who has researched friendship and virtue, this view of friendship just doesn’t seem right to me. It doesn’t capture all of what we want from friendship. I have studied the work of British-Irish novelist and philosopher Iris Murdoch – and I suggest that her writings provide us with a fuller view of friendship.
Murdoch occupied a rare niche in 20th century philosophy, as a woman working in a fairly male-dominated field. She was also a Platonist interested in the reality of “the Good” in an era when such metaphysical theorising was deeply unpopular. A highly successful novelist, Murdoch’s many books explore the trials and tribulations of intimate relationships.

Love is knowledge
Much of Murdoch’s philosophical work examines the moral significance of love (which I take to be part of friendship). She regarded love as a central part of our moral life that had been unjustly ignored in the moral philosophy of her era, in favour of an endless focus on the function of moral language.

Unlike the view of friendship I described earlier, Murdoch’s conception of love is not “knowledge-free”. Instead, she suggests that understanding the other person is an integral part of love (and therefore of friendship, which plausibly involves love).

Take the following passages:

Love is the perception of individuals. … Love … is the discovery of reality. (The Sublime and The Good, 1959)

Love is knowledge of the individual. (The Sovereignty of Good, 1970)

You can see in these quotes Murdoch’s view of love is knowledge of the other person, or seeing them as they really are –- it involves understanding them as a person, both their positive and negative qualities.

A headshot of Iris Murdoch in black and white
Iris Murdoch was known for her writing on morality, good and evil and human relationships. Granger Historical Picture Archive / Alamy Stock Photo
Notably, Murdoch thinks that really knowing or understanding another person is a difficult task: “It is a task to come to see the world as it is”. According to the Freudian psychology Murdoch subscribes to in The Sovereignty of Good, humans are prone to “fantasy” – refusing to face the truth because it can damage our fragile egos.

So while we may have a natural, selfish tendency to believe reassuring fantasies about the goodness of other people (especially our friends), true friendship requires us to be patient, kind and accepting of their negative qualities too.

29/11/2021

29/11/2021