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The Druid's Loom

A satirical news website. All our stories are made up. Weaving satire from the threads of the news

18/11/2023

Once a Hunt, always a Hunt! Chancellor Jeremy Hunt, in a move that's nothing short of a 'Complete Hunt' strategy, has unveiled a controversial plan today that's turning heads—and not in a good way. The Chancellor

The destitute, poor and long term sick were jubilant this morning, as Jeremy Hunt announced that he would take money from them in order to give tax cuts for the wealthiest 4% of society.

17/11/2023

New Species of Toxic Toad Found in A group of scientists from the Australian Environmental Department we concerned to discover a dangerous alien species of toad, lurking in the jungle.
B.O
The

Scientists identified a new species of highly toxic amphibian in the Australian jungle yesterday - I'm a Celebrity.

10/06/2023

Benefits to Bricks – Another Sh*t Idea
Master of distraction, and useless village idiot, Boris Johnson, yesterday unveiled, a hastily written policy in order to cover for his own failings.
Save His Own Skin
If

In an effort to try to bury the bad news of his no confidence vote, the Prime Minister unveiled, yet another scheme that will help no one.

10/06/2023

Heather is “Godawful” say People from and
Member of Parliament, Heather Wheeler was today described by the people of Birmingham and Blackpool as “Godawful”, after she expressed dislike of their

Hate filled old bag, Heather Wheeler, who once described her own constituents as “old tinkers”, was today described as "godawful" by the people of Birmingham and Blackpool.

10/06/2023

Abortions OK, just wait a bit longer – says US Supreme Court
Gun promoting psychopaths in the US yesterday decided that the best time to abort a child is after they have started school.
Scared
“Every life is

Mentalist, US pro-life and pro-gun republicans, say women have to wait until their child is at school before it can be aborted.

10/06/2023

I’m F**king Offended for Some reason
Call me old-fashioned, which I am, but I like my men with pen*ses and my woman with t**s and fannies. And If you are offended by that, then you are a snowflake, make no mistake.

Robert Littleengland, gets his knickers in a right old twist about something he doesn't fully understand whilst getting offended, complaining about people getting offended.

09/06/2023

– It was a Work Event says PM
The British public, reacted with utter revulsion, yesterday, after it emerged that Johnson, was caught getting his Johnson noshed off, by his then mistress Symonds.
The ***ob

As the nation vomited in their cornflakes, after the Boris-Carrie, nob gobbling revelations, The Prime Minster insisted it was a work event.

09/06/2023

I love playing with my cat outdoors
Dear Editor,
I love getting back to nature At the moment I'm out in nature right now and stroking my p***y hard. Take a look by following this link. [link deleted on ground of public decency].
With love
Lucy

A reader gets in touch with the Druid's Loom to describe her new love of nature and cats. Druid's Loom – Letters to the Editor.

09/06/2023

Home Office Totally Destroyed
There were scenes of utter chaos, last night in Marsham Street, in the City of West Minster, as the area was rocked by a series of violent tremors and the Home Office totally

There were apocalyptic scenes, last night in the City of Westminster, as the Home Office, was reduced to a pile of rubble.

09/06/2023

Why I can Do What the F**k I Like – by Boris Johnson
What Ho, readers. I love to write me! In fact, I have been known to miss really important COBRA meetings about Covid for my passion of writing s**tty books.
Anyway,

Over entitled ar****le, Boris Johnson, explains why he can to do what the F**k he wants, whenever he wants - you dirty scum.

08/06/2023

Ethics Advisor Resigns Due to Lack of
Without any surprise from the British public, Lord Geidt, the Ethic's advisor to Johnson, resigned last night.
No Ethics
The main reason for this is that he had nothing

Lord Geidt, the Prime Minister's Ethics advisor, resigned yesterday, as he was unable to find any ethics to advise on, in Downing Street.

08/06/2023

James Bond Shaken and Stirred by S*x Allegations
The fictional British secret agent, James Bond, 007, has been suspended amid a number of salacious allegations dating back to 1962.
Bond, James Bond
GCHQ issued a statement

Fictional character, James Bond, has shaken by a string of s*x allegations dating back to 1962. The allegations range from s*xual misconduct aboard a space shuttle, to directing lewd comments towards a number of female colleagues.

08/06/2023

Brexit is Remainer’s Fault
Well, here we are, languishing at the bottom of the global economic growth chart – just above Russia. How did we get here?
Bursting
Our once buoyant economy was

If it wasn't for all those f**cking remainers, there would have been no Brexit, or pandemic or war in Ukraine, explains useless Tory MP David Davis.

08/06/2023

Be Nice to – He’s Just Trying His Best
We have a lot to be grateful to our glorious Prime Minister for. The little scamp was the only one who stood up to those vicious bureaucrats in Brussels and got our Brexit

Daz Bottom, pens an arse-licking article to his hero, Boris Johnson, who he believes has been unfairly treated by the media and public alike.

08/06/2023

School Play Shocker
Dear Editor,
This morning, I went to my daughter's primary school to watch their production of “Around the World in 80 Days”.
I have to say, despite the amount of rehearsal that appeared to go into

A disappointed dad visits his daughter's school play, only to discover that it is total s**t. Druid's Loom – UK

07/06/2023

Drink Drive Limit Could be Cut to Just One
After the success of similar schemes, elsewhere in the World, a government think tank is considering reducing the Drink-Drive limit to just one pint of beer.
Most normal people have

Morons, who don't like being in control of their 2 ton vehicles, have reacted with anger over government proposals to cut the drink-drive limit to just one pint.

07/06/2023

Virgin Mobile Call Centre Still Having Unexpectedly High Volumes of Calls
Staff at a Mobile call centre seem unable to expect a high volume of calls, it was revealed yesterday. For the past 120 days, lines have been

A Virgin Mobile call centre doesn't seem to be able to predict the volume of calls it receives; despite them being unexpectedly high for over 120 days.

07/06/2023

Ryanair to be renamed Ryanground
Cheap and nasty airline, Ryanair, has today decided to rename itself 'Ryanground', to reflect the fact that none of its aeroplanes actually fly any more.
Classic Contempt

The budget airline carrier, Ryanair, is to be renamed Ryan, as it no longer fulfils any of the requirements of a transport system.

07/06/2023

Young Minds Matter? – Just Give ’em a Slap!
There has been a lot of fuss and 'woke' nonsense recently about young people's mental “health” issues. I have always struggled with the concept of “mental health”.
As far as

Robert Littleendgland offers his inflamed, uncaring and worryingly dangerous views on the mental health of young people.

06/06/2023

Spiritless Dear Editor,

There is a lot of talk in the media about how and bland, the leader, Sir Keir Starmer is. Although I have never met him, I believe any old s**t I read in the Daily Mail, and therefore he will

Glenda from Hastings explains why she won't be voting for 'dull as ditch water', Starmer in the next General Election.

06/06/2023

I Need Help with
Dear Clifton Turtle,
I’m an 18 yr old boy and there’s been rumours going round that I’m a bad kisser. I now have a girlfriend, and I don’t know if I still am. I do know however, after each

Excess saliva producing freak, asks Clifton Turtle for advice with French kissing. Druid's Loom Problem Page.

06/06/2023

Let Them Starve says In the food strategy White Paper, the British government has decided that thousands of children will go hungry as it can't be bothered to feed them properly.
Obese Face
Lazy, pig ignorant.

Over fed, over entitled, fat f**k, Boris Johnson, today stuck two sausage fingers up at poor, hungry children, in food strategy White Paper.

06/06/2023

Jacob’s Benefits: Public Executions
If Her Majesty's platinum jubilee taught us anything, it's that the British people love a good excuse for a get together.
Neck Snap
150 years ago, your average

It's been over 50 years since the last ex*****on in the UK, and over 150 since the last public hanging, but this could all change soon!

05/06/2023

The to Start A-Level Course
The entertainment world was rocked by the exciting news that The Proclaimers were both going to start a suite of A-Level courses at a Sixth Form college in the midlands, 500 miles from their home

The world of pop music reacted with surprise and excitement as it was revealed that The Proclaimers were to start some A-level Courses at a Sixth form in the Midlands.

05/06/2023

An Afternoon with Priti Patel
It has taken a long time to secure an afternoon with Priti Patel. As she glided into the room, the temperature noticeably fell. The short, dumpy Home Secretary, complete with her trademark smirk,

The Druid's Loom secured an afternoon with Priti Patel, the current Home Secretary, to find out more about the policy of deporting refugees.

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