06/10/2023
STAN HELSING'S FINAL PROBLEM
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Ghosts, goblins, faeries, giants, boggarts, mermaids and even werewolves are all said to roam across the ancient North.
One man has been documenting a great many of these folk tales, legends, myths and mysteries and now the leger of Yorkshire's finest monster hunter is available for the first time - exclusively to listeners of the Late Show.
So lock your doors, extinguish the candles, draw your bedsheets closer and prepare to enter the world of the strange as we welcome you to - STAN HELSING’S FEAR FILES!!
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"Tonight’s tale - THE FINAL PROBLEM
It is with a heavy heart that I take up my tape recorder to tape record these last few words for you on my tape recorder.
I have endeavoured to give some account of my strange experiences over the years, from the tale of The Lincoln Imp all that time ago through to the recent recording of The Brontë Hauntings.
It was my intention to have stopped there, and say nothing of the event which has created a void in my life.
My hand has been forced, however, by the recent postcards with which my erstwhile housemate turned nemesis, Humphrey the Boggart, has taunted me.
Each postcard, from Edinburgh, Eastbourne and Dartmoor, revealing the location where he has taken me prize tin of ham, which he did so grievously half-inch off out of me Harvest Basket from the cubs.
Each postcard a location with a link to the great Sherlock Holmes - the birthplace of the author, the final home of his creation, the setting of his greatest triumph… so where to now?
Where else?
For what I fear is our final confrontation, it seems that Humphrey’s trail comes to an end in Switzerland at that terrible and magnificent landmark - The Reichenbach Falls!
Now, I have never been one to shy from an encounter with the unknown, the supernatural, the mysterious nor strange, as you know from my Fear Files, yet climbing up by this chuffing massive waterfall does fill me with a certain apprehension.
If you’ll excuse me I’ll just have a quick nip from my flask… ahhh!
That’s the stuff.
Lovely Blue WKD!
You see, I may have omitted a small detail from my Fear Files.
I have not simply recorded these stories for your entertainment.
I have lived them.
I have personally encountered the very spirits of which I speak - The Black Monk of Pontefract, the Mermaids of Staithes, The Vampire Of Dent, Melch Dick, Nut Nan, Churnmilk Peg, The Blue Lady Of Temple Newsam, Jack In Irons, The Screaming Skull of Burton Agnes Hall, The Dragon Of Filey Brigg, The Lost Legion Of Treasurer's House, The Theatrical Ghosts Of The North, Jeannie Of Biggersdale, Yallery Brown, Headless Bert, The Tiddy Mun, Old Leathery Coit, Old Mother Nightshade, Auld Betty, Awd Goggie, Old Gravel Arse - I have even come across Black Dick of Cockley Wood!
(In fact, the only one I don’t think I’ve run into is Old Stinker, The Werewolf Of Hull - but he does follow me on Twitter, so that’s near enough…)
Yes, I have experienced these things - and many more! - so that you would not have to.
You, my dear friends, may go on and visit all of the places around our weird and wonderful part of the world without any fear of interference or molestation.
It is the Helsing Way.
So, as I trudge along this long, slippery path I call upon the strength of those that battled monsters before me, Saint Guthlac who was beset by demons, Peter Loschy who defeated the fearsome dragon of those woods and St Hilda of Whitby who was, well, just dead awesome… aid me now, my friends, as struggle up this treacherous footpath to face my tormentor.
Huh. There’s a funicular railway there.
Wish I’d known that before I set off…
It would appear that The Reichenbach Falls are a very popular, if very perilous, tourist destination these days.
Located just outside the village of Meiringen, the Grand Reichenbach Fall, or Grosser Reichenbachfall as the locals yell it, is 120 metres of swirling, swooshing, sweeping wet death.
One of the highest waterfalls in the Alps, and among the forty highest in Switzerland, it has been captured on canvas by the famous artist JMW Turner and on the page by Sidney Paget, to accompany the famous confrontation between Sherlock Holmes and Professor James Moriarty in one of them books.
But I digress, for what is that I spy up ahead a-glinting and a-gleaming?
It is!! It’s my tin of Pek ham!
Dented and bashed, but reflecting the light through the waterfall like a pork-filled disco ball!
And who could this shadowy figure be?
You ungrateful little boggart! We could have shared this back at home!!
What?? Speak clearly!
Did I bring a tin opener?? Of course I didn’t bring a tin opener!!
Well you should have thought of they!!
Now, I’ll thank you kindly to unhand my property…
No!! I didn’t mean Thank You…
Humphrey! Stop this!! Come away from the edge!!
We could have shared this back at hooooome….."
**TAPE ENDS**
