Where's Morris

03/02/2023

Dear Mr Morris

Congratulations on your upcoming pay increase. How you ever managed on £82,000 a year is beyond us.

Congratulations also on being the incumbent MP as the Eden Project gets a £50 million boost from the Levelling Up fund - you certainly flew the flag for Morecambe.

Bearing in mind that this money is coming from the Levelling Up fund, a Conservative initiative, it might be worth considering how “levelled up” Morecambe has become since this government came to power and you became the MP for Morecambe and Lunesdale in 2010.

The NHS is now on its knees (almost entirely because of deliberate government neglect), we have a cost of living crisis, a housing crisis (which Eden is likely to exacerbate), a heating crisis and wages have stagnated while yours have gone up by 24%. While more and more people are struggling with travel and other expenses, since 2010 your MP salary and expenses have come to nearly £3 million.

The UK has one of the widest wealth gaps in the world while the government is looking to give more tax breaks to the rich and more austerity for the poor. Its also not gone unnoticed that while the Eden project now has its funding, the Platform has to close because your administration saw fit to decrease the city’s funding to the extent that even statutory services are going to be a stretch.

Just to keep everything up-to-date it should be noted that with your latest raise your income will have risen by 27% since 2010. Would you care to remind us what the nurses have been offered?

28/01/2023

21/10/2022

Dear Subjects

You will have heard that Liz Truss (whom I admire greatly) has resigned her premiership on account of being tormented by an iceberg lettuce.

In light of this I would like to commend to you a replacement PM of the highest standing, with impeccable sincerity, trustworthiness and sobriety.

Unfortunately its harder to find someone in Westminster with those credentials than knitting soot. So I'm backing Boris, despite backing Jeremy Hunt in a previous leadership contest.

I do hope that, once again, Boris will be a prime minister you can look up to (when you're on your knees begging for your bus fair)

20/10/2022

I DO GIVE A FRACK
Says Morecambe & Lunesdale MP

18/10/2022

CHANCELLOR HUNT TO MAKE HIS PRESENTS FELT

Mr Morris will no doubt get a warm fuzzy feeling when Chancellor Hunt makes his presents felt following an invitation from Morecambe's MP. Hopes of the Eden Project getting a trillion pounds from Hunt's coffers have been dispelled after it was understood the money has already been earmarked for Shell, British Gas and the National Hunt Service (or private health as its better known).

One might expect the chancellor to bring a more modest gift and present the Waste of Space (a fuzzy felt kit, not Morecambe's MP). Morecambe residents, getting used to a rapidly deteriorating health service will no doubt be looking forward to shaking the Right Dishonourable Chancellor warmly by the throat.

14/10/2022

HISTORY DOESN'T REPEAT ITSELF BUT IT RHYMES

Would you Adam and Eve it? Kwasi Kwateng is out on his Khyber, leaving Truss, as much use as a horse and cart in a tin colander, on her Jack Jones. Not using her loaf she's brought in a Jeremy Hunt to be the new Chancellor.

29/09/2022

STATEMENT ON BEHALF OF DAVID MORRIS MP

Further to my declaration of support for Liz Truss on 5th September, in addition I would like to offer my boot up her arse for potentially losing me my seat at the next general election.

I will also be seeking her support for the Eden project on the condition she simply says "yes", does no interviews and doesn't ask the Chancellor to check the numbers.

I wish her God's speed as she navigates the shark infested waters of the Tory Conference where she will be about as popular as a fly in a wine tasting convention.

11/09/2022

"Her Majesty blah bah bah blah Eden North"

05/09/2022

Dave & Liz
Sitting in a tree
K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

23/08/2022

Twinkle twinkle little star
Oft we wonder where you are
Far above the world so high
While we've been hung out to dry

Voting like a gormless sheep
Always for your seat to keep
Posing as you're wont to do
While our sea is pumped with poo

Bragging of your massive deals
Blind to families missing meals
Never there to take the flak
Always happy to attack

Twinkle twinkle twit to woo
What really is the point of you
No one cares quite where you are
So long as it is very far

21/07/2022

SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE

After turning the UK into a wasteland, government ministers have been setting their sites further afield. One suggestion was the waste of space and the MP for Morecambe & Lunesdale came to mind immediately.

For years the MP has been persuading his constituents to turn their thoughts away from poverty and deprivation and instead look to the stars with the exhortation to follow his example and not examine your feet but look up Uranus.

Once he has satisfactorily funded the Eden project single handed, just like God finished Eden on the 6th day, he can rest from his labours (or accomplishments as he'd prefer to call them), look up to space and walk the Lakeland Fells with his head in the clouds.

With the official title 'Space Champion' the MP will have the letters RR after his name so he can henceforth be referred to as David Morris RR (Saviour of the Universe).

15/07/2022

Its hard to write about David Morris because he's so boring

19/01/2022

Dear Respectable Citizens (not Commies and layabouts)

I just wanted to let you know I've made sure those juvenile delinquents (you know the troublesome 16 year olds) don't get the chance to vote. We can't have the country run by druggies with no respect. We need sober, drug free, responsible and upstanding citizens like us MPs who regularly turn up at the House of Commons and call each other "Your Honourable". You won't see anyone on drugs, ranting or lying through their teeth there (not on our side anyway).

I voted against adding a new Clause that would lower the voting age to 16 in UK parliamentary elections.

I've also made sure that people who are not one of us (you know, house owning, fully employed professional types) have to pull their hands out of their pockets in order to vote. All they have to do is get a driving licence or a passport in order to prove they are of the right calibre to get a say in who represents them. Is that too much to ask?

We need to make sure that only the pick of the crop (like myself) get to be elected as an MP. Otherwise you'd get some do gooder helping out at the food bank and giving sleeping bags out to the homeless instead of building Bay Gateways and other things essential to normal respectable people.

I voted against removing the Voter ID provision from the Elections Bill [because 6 people in the UK committed voter fraud in the last election].

Unfortunately I couldn't do anything about the Lords trying to stop the police keeping all of us safe from people with placards, making above average noise, criticising the government, being a bit too pleased with themselves and not worshipping the ground our beloved and unimpeachable Mr Churchill stood on.

Your self effacing and obedient [to the government whip] servant

Blah Blah

10/12/2021

THE DAY PRESS FREEDOM DIED: A LETTER OF DESPAIR

Dear Mr Morris

I am writing to you, my representative in government, to express my despair as the UK courts ride roughshod over natural justice and the UK government passes laws that make virtually any dissent punishable by imprisonment.

I'm speaking firstly about the High Court's decision to allow a district court to instruct the Home Office to extradite Julian Assange to the USA. Mr Assange is merely guilty of truth telling that The USA and the UK don't want to hear. This is effectively a death sentence and reduces the UK justicial system to an arm of the US Department of Justice.

Secondly the UK government is becoming increasingly authoritarian, passing laws recently that threaten any dissent with imprisonment. This means that with it's majority in Parliament it can pass further draconian laws and close down any opposition regardless of how bad the law is.

Furthermore the government's stance on human rights means that for all it's meddling in the affairs of other countries it is determined to make the lives of those who have suffered dreadfully because of our foreign policy, to have no recourse by means of seeking asylum within our borders.

The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister would happily see prosecution for saving the lives of these people in our waters and blatantly break international law by making seeking asylum illegal. The truth is that the scandal over a Christmas party at No.10 is merely a side show.

UK politics is descending into an abyss I couldn't imagine in my darkest thoughts and the government you represent is facilitating this nightmare. While my expectations are extremely low I felt I should address my concerns to you as my representative for what it's worth.

28/10/2021

CAUGHT BETWEEN 2 STOOLS

It's interesting that David Morris didn't vote on the Lords Amendment to stop water companies dumping raw sewage into our rivers. Was this because he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't?

If he'd voted against the amendment he'd have trashed his credentials when it comes to Eden. If he'd voted for the amendment he'd have voted against the government and lost brownie points.

Talking of 2 stools. He's invited Boris to our 'riviera' and that has to be pollution of a sort.

On a side note: DM you must know it's Lancaster & Morecambe College, not Morecambe & Lancaster. When you're dropping names you might want to get some of them the right way round.

22/09/2021

MPs SHOULD BE SEEN & NOT HERD*

The MP for Morecambe and Lunesdale gets to the pearly gates and St Peter checks his papers.

"Can I see see your letter of commendation please?" St Peter asks.

The MP cheerily passes him a note from Boris Johnson with the words "Well done good and faithful servant".

"Excellent", St Peter responds.
"Now can I see your conscience?"

The MP's face drops.

"I'm a Tory MP, I didn't think I needed one."

* not a typo

08/09/2021

Hey Dave

Remember those poor people you couldn't see? I think you were looking for their photo ID. The thing they would need to vote you out of office.

03/09/2021

This is not a photo op
I'm fighting crime - with my mate
At the police station

03/08/2021

YOU CAN'T SEE POVERTY IN MORECAMBE
FROM 62 MILES UP

It's so refreshing to have an MP who appreciates the finer things and is actively pushing for the county's bid to be a 'City of Culture' (though Lancashire isn't a city of course). So who better to endorse the honourable gentleman than Simon Danczuk, the disgraced Labour MP who championed rooting out child abuse in Westminster only to be caught sexting a 17 year old. Maybe the retweet wasn't such a good idea - a lapse of judgement there perhaps.

And space being Mr Morris's thing he couldn't help but congratulate a multi-billionaire who invested over $5 billion on a p***s shaped rocket that nearly got into outer space. The whole thing lasted around 11 minutes which might tell you something about Jeff Bezos who has very deep pockets but short appendages.

Apparently you can't see poverty in Morecambe from 62 miles up.