Cops, Capers & Custard

07/05/2026

A boy king.
A silent tomb.
A moment that knocked me sideways — literally.

My new piece, Cursed in the Tomb of King Tutankhamun, dives into the strange, unsettling experience of standing inches from Tutankhamun’s remains… and the two day collapse that followed. No curses, no superstition — just the uncomfortable truth about what it means to turn a human life into a spectacle.

If you’ve ever been fascinated by ancient Egypt, this one’s for you.
https://kirkeytalk.com/cursed-in-the-tomb-of-king-tutankhamun/

25/03/2026

Next week I’m off on another adventure with my partners in crime Arthur and Darcie and I thought this tale was worth a rerun …

Goodies, baddies… and the dangerous loss of innocence.

Somewhere between ox bow lakes, rude playground songs, and two small humans demanding ice cream at morally questionable moments, I found myself staring at a bigger truth:
We don’t just grow up — we shed colour.

Here I explore how childhood simplicity collides with adult cynicism, and why a pair of kids reminded me that the world doesn’t have to be so grey after all.

If you’ve ever wondered when life stopped being that bright, uncomplicated place… this one might just take you back.

I’m old enough to be unable to remember what it felt like to be me as a child. Sure I can recall events, but my perception of the world as a kid has ebbed away over the passage of time. My ability to experience utter wonderment, pure emotion, naivety, and steely selfishness have been tempered ... ...

20/03/2026

Kemi Badenoch who famously stated that she never makes gaffs is urging members of the public to intervene if they suspect shoplifting is occurring.

A significant chunk of these offenders are desperate, high-risk subjects who utilise extreme violence to evade capture.

F**k that and f**k off Badenoch you cretin.

Tory leader says people should not ‘look away’ when crimes are committed and claims her ‘instinct’ would be to act

16/03/2026

Back to School: Bureaucratic Nightmares, British Embarrassment, and a Lesson from the Subconscious.

A recurring dream drags a grown man back into the classroom, where long division, judgemental teenagers, and a yoga‑loving teacher await. But beneath the slapstick lies something deeper: : why does the mind return us to the scenes we thought we’d left behind? A comic, psychological deep‑dive into recurring dreams — coming soon on

The world according to Kirkey

12/02/2026

After school, Arthur wanted a Chupa Chups lolly.

Peeling that wrapper off was so impossibly difficult I started having flashbacks to the last time I tried to cuff the most violent prisoner I’ve ever encountered — except the lolly put up more of a f**king fight.

12/02/2026

https://kirkeytalk.com/luck-lifes-most-unreliable-strike-partner/

Luck is the unreliable strike partner we never asked for but can’t drop. From philosophers to psychologists, everyone’s been trying to explain why some people seem to ride its wave while others get flattened by it. There’s a moment every football fan recognises. You’re in the away end, rain ...

07/02/2026

Keir Starmer is, by all reasonable measures, a decent man — someone who has consistently chosen steadiness over spectacle.

His supposed “crime” is not malice but naivety: trusting an individual mired in scandal, appointed as a representative of a US administration already drowning in it. Perhaps the infamous “dark arts” of Mandleson would have been a better match for that particular theatre.

He may well have to go. But the real danger is what comes next. This moment cannot be the gateway for a fresh wave of galactic grifters eager to finish the job they began fourteen years ago: the systematic unravelling of the UK.

As Labour prepares to choose a new leader — and by extension a new Prime Minister — this reset must reflect what the broad centre of the electorate actually wants. A clear, unapologetic commitment to rejoining the EU, backed by a majority of voters, would be a powerful first step toward national renewal.

04/02/2026

Why do we stick with bad TV, bad football, and bad politics?

Because humans are loyal, stubborn, and slightly unhinged.

I’ve unpacked the psychology behind our worst habits — and yes, Notts County get a mention because of course they do.

An exploration of sunk costs, stubborn loyalty, and the psychology of sticking with things long after they’ve stopped serving us. There’s a moment – usually around episode three – when I know. I instinctively grasp that the Netflix series I’ve committed my evening to is going nowhere. The ...

18/01/2026

Coming soon on www.kirkeytalk.com ...

Why We Binge Bad TV – And Stick with Corrupt Politics.

An exploration of sunk costs, stubborn loyalty, and the psychology of sticking with things long after they’ve stopped serving us.

13/01/2026

https://kirkeytalk.com/barking-mad-britain-politics-social-media-and-the-curse-of-allostatic-overload/

I was a late entrant into the cyber world of social media. Like a reluctant guest at a party who ends up hogging the karaoke machine, once I was in, I was hooked. I became a cheerleader, pom poms aloft, shouting into the digital void. But let’s be clear: my online persona – save one ... Read mor...

05/12/2025

The Baton of Dishonour.

From relic truncheons that belonged in a museum to extendable batons that turned every arrest into slapstick theatre—this is policing as you’ve never read it before.

• Riotous memories from Slough.
• DIY restraints, Carry On–style kit, and Charlie Chaplin–worthy baton drills.
• Chaos, comedy, and the occasional flash of brilliance.

This isn’t just a memoir—it’s a front-row seat to the absurdity of frontline policing, where the baton was less a weapon and more a co-star in the farce.

Read The Baton of Dishonour now and discover how a lump of wood became the punchline of an entire career.
https://kirkeytalk.com/the-baton-of-dishonour/

When I joined the police in 1982, we were issued a truncheon – a lump of wood so archaic it felt like a relic from the Crimean War. As a tool of personal protection, it was about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. The version handed to my female colleagues was even more ... Read more