Cops, Capers & Custard

05/12/2025

The Baton of Dishonour.

From relic truncheons that belonged in a museum to extendable batons that turned every arrest into slapstick theatre—this is policing as you’ve never read it before.

• Riotous memories from Slough.
• DIY restraints, Carry On–style kit, and Charlie Chaplin–worthy baton drills.
• Chaos, comedy, and the occasional flash of brilliance.

This isn’t just a memoir—it’s a front-row seat to the absurdity of frontline policing, where the baton was less a weapon and more a co-star in the farce.

Read The Baton of Dishonour now and discover how a lump of wood became the punchline of an entire career.
https://kirkeytalk.com/the-baton-of-dishonour/

When I joined the police in 1982, we were issued a truncheon – a lump of wood so archaic it felt like a relic from the Crimean War. As a tool of personal protection, it was about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. The version handed to my female colleagues was even more ... Read more

27/11/2025

We’re almost at 1,000 views!

The feedback has been incredible, and we’re so grateful for your support.

If you haven’t watched yet, now’s the time—help us spread the truth and make an impact.

In this searing episode, Frankie and Kirkey sit down with Peter Faulding of Specialist Group International (SGI) to dissect one of the most controversial mis...

15/11/2025

The Disappearance of Nicola Bulley: Policing the Scapegoat?

The explosive new episode of Cops, Capers & Custard.

A gripping investigation into how a missing person case spiralled into institutional deflection.

Peter Faulding of Specialist Group International - SGI reveals how his discovery was ignored - and how scapegoating replaced accountability.

Listen now. Share widely. Justice demands it.

In this searing episode, Frankie and Kirkey sit down with Peter Faulding of Specialist Group International (SGI) to dissect one of the most controversial mis...

13/11/2025

Ever wondered what happens when a cop needs an emergency loo break, forgets his sock etiquette at a mosque, or uses sirens to chase his own wife? Spoiler: it’s not in the training manual.

Dive into my latest piece for tales of blue-lighting it back to dignity, decorum, and occasionally ASDA.
https://kirkeytalk.com/blue-light-capers/

As an ex-cop I find many police dramas mildly irritating. It’s normally the process issues that make my teeth grind, such as a uniformed officer standing guard at the interview room door as the heroic plain clothed detectives place the hapless suspect in checkmate. With custody alarms readily avai...

03/11/2025

Coming soon on www.kirkeytalk.com … The Baton of Dishonour.

From wooden relics that belonged in a museum to aluminium batons that doubled as comedy props, my policing career was full of improvisation, absurdity, and the occasional flash of brilliance.

There was the time I nearly smashed a patio door with my new sidearm. The time a lad’s dad shouted, “Hit him!” mid-fracas. And the time I hit a bloke built like a brick sh*****se with everything I had - baton, CS spray, the lot - and he blinked like I’d offered him a facial.

This one’s for the baton that bounced off more legs than it ever subdued.

Image: Andy Thornley

02/11/2025

I've reached the season of life where 60th birthdays are no longer rare, and work reunions carry the silent weight of those who will never attend again.

The next twenty years—if I'm fortunate—are my golden age. If I can sidestep the big C and keep my mind sharp, I know time will still gently erode my strength and agility. So I choose to live now, fully and fiercely. To chase every dream, create lasting memories, and embrace every desire I’ve ever shelved for “someday.”

Because someday is now.

Life is short. Take the trip. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake.

And tell those that sap your strength to f**k off!

Thanks Paula Searle for inspiring this reflection!

29/10/2025

Whenever I pass through Slough railway station I’m always reminded of the time when Laurie Rush and I nicked a bloke and ended up placing him on the floor with my baton under his arm and across his shoulders.

Even today I’m still shocked that I applied the move with such skill and finesse.

Whilst struggling to contain the urchin I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head and heard the infamous line, “which platform do I need for the London bound train?”

15/10/2025

Coming soon on www.kirkeytalk.com …

Blue Light Capers

From dodgy socks at a mosque to a bowel-busting dash from the Running Horse pub, my time behind the wheel of a police car wasn’t always about chasing villains—it was sometimes about outrunning embarrassment.

In this nostalgic romp through the eccentricities of 80s and 90s policing, I reflect on the dramas that TV rarely gets right, the shows that nailed it (“The Bill” & “Blue Lights”), and the real-life capers that made the job unforgettable.

Before body cams and bureaucracy, there was camaraderie, chaos… and the occasional blue-lighted sprint to ASDA.

Read it. Laugh. Reflect. Just don’t speed off like Bert’s wife.

14/10/2025

Coming soon on www.kirkeytalk.com …

Forget Me Not: Why I Only Remember the Vibe.

Ever been accused of not listening, forgetting the “important stuff,” or zoning out mid-conversation? Same here. But what if it’s not forgetfulness — it’s emotional curation?

From speedway stats to Level 42 lyrics, my memory thrives on vibe over trivia, meaning over minutiae. Turns out, the brain’s not a filing cabinet — it’s a storyteller. And mine prefers metaphors, narrative glue, and the occasional naked refuse collector.

07/10/2025

My day (so far) ...

I never imagined that a complimentary cup of tea at John Lewis and a free cinema ticket from Sky would spark such a profound shift in perspective.

Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale wasn’t my choice. On the surface, it embodied everything I recoil from—entrenched privilege, inherited power, and the polished veneer of inequality.

And yet, beneath the aristocratic gloss, I found something unexpected: a tapestry of connection. People from vastly different social strata bound by loyalty, friendship, and—sometimes—love.

It reminded me that humanity transcends labels. It’s not about colour, creed, or sexuality. It’s about character.

As Martin Luther King Jr. so powerfully said:
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.”

02/10/2025

Well done Greater Manchester Police.

Rapidly attending a scene of utter carnage they neutralised the substantial threat and no doubt saved many lives.

An horrific attack brought to an immediate conclusion by a bunch of real heroes. Thank you.

01/10/2025

Calling all my police chums!

Blue light bo****ks …

I’d like to write a fun piece about the improper use of the blue lights. I guarantee your anonymity!

Here are a couple of mine …

I attended an alarm activation at the Running Horse in Bracknell (a false one as most of them were) and felt my guts turning. I knew that I needed to simply sit on the throne and explode. Rather than embarrass myself at the Runner I blue-lighted it back to the nick – just in time!

In my days at Slough as an Inspector I was invited to a team day to talk about interviewing skills at a local mosque. When I arrived the gravity of the situation hit me – a line of police boots neatly lined up outside. F**k! I was wearing my white socks with holes in! I immediately put the blues on and raced to ASDA to purchase some black ones. I blue-lighted it back because now it was a real emergency as I was late.

Over to you …