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SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk, 22 S**t Street, Whitechapel E1, London (2024)

24/12/2023

A 54-year-old man was found bludgeoned to death at his home in Dock Street, Whitechapel, following a frenzied attack by his wife who had become enraged by a menu suggestion he had made regarding the traditional, family Boxing Day cold buffet. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, suffered severe head trauma, believed to have been caused by multiple blows from a wooden rolling pin after he suggested that baked potatoes could perhaps be added to the options on offer as well as the usual mashed potatoes in a huge china tureen....

A 54-year-old man was found bludgeoned to death at his home in Dock Street, Whitechapel, following a frenzied attack by his wife who had become enraged by a menu suggestion he had made regarding th…

22/12/2023

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974. December had thrown its chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone-cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars. I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there came a soft knocking at the door....

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974. December had thrown its chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turn…

18/12/2023

Conservative backbench MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told friends that he is going to redouble his annual efforts to loosen the lid on a jar of Pan Yan mustard pickle despite having failed to do so every Christmas since 1987. The former Leader Of The House has confided that he has been undergoing a strength-training program with a view to finally completing a task that has thwarted his best efforts since Margaret Thatcher was in Downing Street....

Conservative backbench MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told friends that he is going to redouble his annual efforts to loosen the lid on a jar of Pan Yan mustard pickle despite having failed to do so ever…

14/12/2023

A 16-year-old boy from Whitechapel in East London has told The Whelk that he considers the ten-minute window during The King's televised Christmas Day speech as the optimum time to slip out of the room to ma******te Tobias Dell, a student from Brewer Street, told us: 'Christmas Day is always a tricky one when it comes to knocking one out without people noticing....

A 16-year-old boy from Whitechapel in East London has told The Whelk that he considers the ten-minute window during The King’s televised Christmas Day speech as the optimum time to slip out o…

13/12/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was beaten bloody by his wife when their pet dog presented the woman with a toy that she considered hurtful and dismissive. The couple's two-year-old cockapoo was in the habit of selecting a particular soft toy from its basket in the living room to present to each of them according to how long they had been absent from the house....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was beaten bloody by his wife when their pet dog presented the woman with a toy that she considered hurtful and dismissive. The couple’s two-year-old cockapoo wa…

29/11/2023

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure, an Old Bailey court heard yesterday. Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip's quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless....

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure, an Old Bailey court heard yesterday. Tracy Dell…

27/11/2023

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has revealed that he intends to shield the wartorn Gaza Strip from further destruction from Israeli airstrikes using his big face as a bombproof canopy. Murs, 65, told newsmen: 'I'm appalled by the destruction and the loss of innocent life that we see on our TV screens daily and have decided I can no longer stand idly by....

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has revealed that he intends to shield the wartorn Gaza Strip from further destruction from Israeli airstrikes using his big face as a bombproof canopy. Murs, 65, told newsmen:…

23/11/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has confessed to murdering his wife after being subjected to the relentless stare of an 18-month-old baby on a London bus. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, came clean after becoming convinced that the child was an emissary of God, gazing into his soul, demanding that he confess to killing his wife in June 1997....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has confessed to murdering his wife after being subjected to the relentless stare of an 18-month-old baby on a London bus. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Do…

21/11/2023

A new documentary series from the Crime Investigation TV channel will chart the various murders that have taken place in the lavatory during the last hundred years. Following the successes of shows like: Murdered By My Mom/Dad/Aunty/Member Of Parliament/Woman Next Door etc, the channel hopes to boost viewing figures even further by chronicling the events leading up to and including the brutal killings that have taken place in the toilet, either before or during the time when the victim was having a s**t or p**s....

A new documentary series from the Crime Investigation TV channel will chart the various murders that have taken place in the lavatory during the last hundred years. Following the successes of shows…

02/11/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was, 'close to complete exhaustion' after feeling compelled to bottle up what he thought was going to be an explosive fart while seated next to an attractive female on a train. Toby Dell, from Leman Street, told us: 'I'd just boarded the train at London Bridge and had settled down in an empty window seat....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was, ‘close to complete exhaustion’ after feeling compelled to bottle up what he thought was going to be an explosive fart while…

30/10/2023

In an unprecedented move, US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken, has put pressure on the Qatari government, who control the groundbreaking Aljazeera news network, to tone down their unflinching, graphic coverage of the Israeli/Gaza conflict by screening episodes of 70s hit sitcom, Happy Days, instead. 'I don't think people are interested in having war crimes highlighted while at home relaxing' he told newsmen....

In an unprecedented move, US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken, has put pressure on the Qatari government, who control the groundbreaking Aljazeera news network, to tone down their unflinching, g…

26/10/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he's becoming concerned about the stability of his relationship with his partner after she began using a foot pump to inflate a male s*x doll before placing it between them in bed. Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic from Dock Street, told us: 'When my girlfriend first began pumping up that doll I began questioning the direction our relationship was heading....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he’s becoming concerned about the stability of his relationship with his partner after she began using a foot pump to inflate a male s*x …

24/10/2023

Following the death of a well-known underworld figure yesterday, it has emerged that he had over two hundred and fifty thousand friends who have declared their strong and enduring bond with the deceased gangster on Facebook and other social media platforms. Dave Courtney, 64, from South-East London, passed away yesterday following what is believed to be a self-inflicted gunshot and leaves behind a grieving family and countless people who were close and intimate friends, according to their status updates and outpourings on media reports of Mr Courtney's demise....

Following the death of a well-known underworld figure yesterday, it has emerged that he had over two hundred and fifty thousand friends who have declared their strong and enduring bond with the dec…

21/10/2023

Evenin' all Policing a multi-cultural capital city like London can be a challenging and often hazardous business. Take last Saturday for example. I was sitting in the canteen with a few of the other lads, playing cards and having a chinwag, when we received an urgent call-out to a Pro-Palestinian demo in Parliament Square which had turned ugly when a mob of Zionists had showed up on the plot and had started throwing missiles at the Arab boys....

Evenin’ all Policing a multi-cultural capital city like London can be a challenging and often hazardous business. Take last Saturday for example. I was sitting in the canteen with a few of th…

20/10/2023

In a shock announcement last night, former Good Morning TV host, Holly Willoughby, told The Whelk that she intends to head for the Israel/Gaza border at the weekend where she will shove her way to the front of the massed Israeli troops in a bid to be at the vanguard when the order is eventually given to move into the Palestinian enclave....

In a shock announcement last night, former Good Morning TV host, Holly Willoughby, told The Whelk that she intends to head for the Israel/Gaza border at the weekend where she will shove her way to …

17/10/2023

With the Gaza crisis reaching heightened levels of tension, leaders of both Hamas and Israel are anxiously scanning Facebook for advice from gormless f**knuts who can barely summon the necessary motor skills to walk and rub their tummies at the same time. An Israeli government spokesman told newsmen last night: 'This is a critical time for our forces as we prepare to strike at the very heart of the Hamas command and control capability, so it's absolutely vital to see what some industrial strength dickwad Facebooker with s**t for brains would consider to be our best strategy on this one.'...

With the Gaza crisis reaching heightened levels of tension, leaders of both Hamas and Israel are anxiously scanning Facebook for advice from gormless f**knuts who can barely summon the necessary mo…

16/10/2023

The Mayor of Whitechapel has proposed that the current conflict between Israel and the terror group, Hamas, could be settled with a Great British Bake-Off-style contest to be held in a big tent on The Golan Heights. His Worship Tobias Dell, CBE, told newsmen: 'This current conflict looks like it could be a pretty drawn-out and bloody affair unless a long-term solution can be found....

The Mayor of Whitechapel has proposed that the current conflict between Israel and the terror group, Hamas, could be settled with a Great British Bake-Off-style contest to be held in a big tent on …

30/09/2023

A 54-year-old golf fan from Richmond, Virginia, who was jailed for seventeen years for applauding politely when a European golfer successfully holed a long putt during the Ryder Cup in 2016, has had his sentence increased by ten years after a court decided that his action was 'un-American in the extreme' Tobias Delinkski, a married truck driver with three children, had his appeal for an early release rejected by Judge Sam Lohan III, who increased his sentence and told him: 'Your behaviour was a disgrace....

A 54-year-old golf fan from Richmond, Virginia, who was jailed for seventeen years for applauding politely when a European golfer successfully holed a long putt during the Ryder Cup in 2016, has ha…

21/09/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man is suing his own daughter after a set of spoons she gave him as a gift caused a jaw dislocation due to their huge dimensions. Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic from Leman Street, told The Whelk: 'I knew those spoons were going to be a problem as soon as I set eyes on them. 'The width and length made them more suitable for shovelling coal than for eating fruit pie and custard....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man is suing his own daughter after a set of spoons she gave him as a gift caused a jaw dislocation due to their huge dimensions. Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic from…

05/09/2023

THIS WEEK: James Cagny NEXT WEEK: Clint Eastwood threatens to blow your head clean off if you don't peel a banana from the non-stalk end like monkeys do.

THIS WEEK: James Cagny NEXT WEEK: Clint Eastwood threatens to blow your head clean off if you don’t peel a banana from the non-stalk end like monkeys do.

02/09/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone s*x with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife. Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: 'The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we've been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed. 'After around ten minutes with the counsellor, this woman at my work that I've been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she'd like to do with me....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone s*x with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife. Toby Dell, from Brus…

20/08/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he no longer self-identifies as a man and wishes to be known as a non-binary snooker table. Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: 'Ever since I was a child I've known I was different. 'I felt uncomfortable playing sports and rough-housing with other boys my age. 'I just wanted to lie on the floor, covered in green baize and with a full set of snooker balls, set up for the break-off, on top of me....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he no longer self-identifies as a man and wishes to be known as a non-binary snooker table. Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told …

15/08/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told us that he plans to quit his job as a forklift truck driver in a local non-ferrous foundry to become a bullfighter in Andalucia in Spain. Toby Dell will fight under the name of, El Cocknistero, and has already been booked to fight two bulls starting at 2.00 am on the afternoon of August 29th at a local Plaza De Toros....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told us that he plans to quit his job as a forklift truck driver in a local non-ferrous foundry to become a bullfighter in Andalucia in Spain. Toby Dell will fight…

20/07/2023

The BBC has announced that they have secured exclusive rights to broadcast recorded highlights of golfing legend, Tiger Woods, mooching around his apartment in his boxers during The Open Championship tournament being played at Royal Liverpool this week. It is understood that the BBC paid in excess of thirty pounds for the rights to screen footage of Woods, who is unable to take part due to injury, lazing around on the sofa in his pants, watching his fellow pros tackle the course and conditions in a bid to win the famous claret jug....

The BBC has announced that they have secured exclusive rights to broadcast recorded highlights of golfing legend, Tiger Woods, mooching around his apartment in his boxers during The Open Championsh…

11/07/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he engaged in a steamy romp with himself at his home in Dock Street while his wife of twenty years visited a sick relative. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: 'The wife had gone to visit her cousin in Spitalfields who was feeling poorly, so I settled down in front of the TV to watch some sport....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he engaged in a steamy romp with himself at his home in Dock Street while his wife of twenty years visited a sick relative. Toby Dell, a forkli…

06/07/2023

It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of p***c hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey, South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere....

It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of p***c hair that has formed in one o…

20/06/2023

Dear Sir In the smash hit, Club Tropicana, Wham lead singer,George Michael specifically states that 'The drinks are free' And yet, when I visited the Tropicana Dance Bar in Hoxton a few weeks back I was beaten bloody by two burly doormen after refusing to pay for my bottled Guinness, citing George's statement as an explanation. The lyric also states that 'All that's missing is the sea'...

Dear Sir In the smash hit, Club Tropicana, Wham lead singer,George Michael specifically states that ‘The drinks are free’ And yet, when I visited the Tropicana Dance Bar in Hoxton a few…

15/06/2023

Ex-US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will no longer be attending hearings regarding a number of federal crimes and misdemeanours that he stands accused of citing 'bigly bone spur pain'. as the key factor in his decision not to stand trial. Addressing a number of quarter-wits at a supporter's rally last night, Trump announced. 'The pain I'm currently suffering from my chronic bone spur condition has become so bigly that I'm withdrawing from all legal proceedings against me....

Ex-US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will no longer be attending hearings regarding a number of federal crimes and misdemeanours that he stands accused of citing ‘bigly bone s…

14/06/2023

This Week: H***y Tonk Women - The Rolling Stones

This Week: H***y Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones

05/06/2023

'Being a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be an arduous and often life-threatening job. 'Take last Tuesday when I was manning the barrier at Carlone North Station, an area renowned for mob killings and bloody inter-family vendettas. 'I spotted 'Fat' Tony Marzetti, consiglieri for the Bonano family, approaching the barrier. 'He produced an over-70s free pass before marching through and boarding a train....

‘Being a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be an arduous and often life-threatening job. ‘Take last Tuesday when I was manning the barrier at Carlone North Station, an a…

02/06/2023

A 54-year-old local Roman Catholic man has begun to question his previously rock-solid devotion to The Virgin Mary after experiencing a bout of itchiness, mainly confined to his armpits. Toby Dell, a forklift truck safety inspector, told The Whelk: 'I'm a fairly devout Catholic who says his rosary pretty much every day and attends mass whenever I get the odd chance, so I was a bit disappointed when my pits started itching last Wednesday and still haven't stopped....

A 54-year-old local Roman Catholic man has begun to question his previously rock-solid devotion to The Virgin Mary after experiencing a bout of itchiness, mainly confined to his armpits. Toby Dell,…

01/06/2023

A 23-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he broke wind directly into the face of his new girlfriend's father as they attempted to remove a mixer tap assembly from the kitchen sink. Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: 'My girlfriend's dad was struggling to undo the locknut on the tap from underneath his sink, so I told him I would grip the assembly with a mole wrench while he loosened off the nut from below....

A 23-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he broke wind directly into the face of his new girlfriend’s father as they attempted to remove a mixer tap assembly from the kitchen sin…

14/05/2023

'Working as a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be a rewarding job, albeit one that is replete with danger at every turn. 'Five of my colleagues have been the victims of Mafia revenge killings in the last week after crossing swords with mob associates on various routes in and out of Palermo alone. 'Take last Saturday for example, I was on ticket barrier duty at Taormina Central, when, 'Gaspipe' Tony Andonetti, tried to walk through the section reserved for mothers with baby carriages without paying....

‘Working as a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be a rewarding job, albeit one that is replete with danger at every turn. ‘Five of my colleagues have been the victims of…

11/05/2023

A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman has finally been persuaded that her 8-year-old son is a rude and thoroughly obnoxious little piece of s**t and is not on the autistic spectrum or suffering from any other form of behavioural condition. After the child ran wild in a local supermarket, tearing goods from the shelves before hurling them at other shoppers for the seventh consecutive week, the mother finally admitted what friends and doctors had always maintained, that the child was just an objectionable little ponce....

A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman has finally been persuaded that her 8-year-old son is a rude and thoroughly obnoxious little piece of s**t and is not on the autistic spectrum or suffering from any …

27/04/2023

In a controversial TV interview, the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, has upped her recent anti-foreigner rhetoric by claiming that she often dreams of setting up Nazi-style death camps where asylum-seekers, and even foreign nationals currently domiciled in the UK, can be taken and put to death. Braverman previously came in for criticism after revealing that she dreams of sending failed asylum-seekers to Rwanda in West Africa, a stance that even some of her Tory colleagues found unpalatable....

In a controversial TV interview, the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, has upped her recent anti-foreigner rhetoric by claiming that she often dreams of setting up Nazi-style death camps where asyl…

25/04/2023

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man had to undergo a painful manual evacuation of his bowel after he defied a strong bowel movement urge immediately after a refreshing shower. Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Leman Street, told us: 'I had just stepped out of the shower when I felt the telltale sensation of needing to go for a number two....

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man had to undergo a painful manual evacuation of his bowel after he defied a strong bowel movement urge immediately after a refreshing shower. Toby Dell, a forklift truck…

21/04/2023

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19/04/2023

Dear Danny I'm a 20-year-old woman who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts. At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to 'like' my articles and comment on my blog. However, over the last few months, I've been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions....

Dear Danny I’m a 20-year-old woman who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts. At first, everything was fi…

07/04/2023

A 54-year-old self-styled humanist from Whitechapel has told The Whelk that he is keenly anticipating spending the Easter holiday in a self-important limbo, completely divorcing himself from the religious festival celebrated by the entire Christian world. Toby Dell, single and unemployed from Dock Street, told us: 'I can't wait to distance myself from all the laughable Christian shenanigans and ludicrous ritualistic guff that we humanists get rammed down our throats at this time of year....

A 54-year-old self-styled humanist from Whitechapel has told The Whelk that he is keenly anticipating spending the Easter holiday in a self-important limbo, completely divorcing himself from the re…

28/03/2023

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman has drowned after throwing herself into Wapping Dock following a careless remark from her boyfriend who pointed out she had hairy toes. Tracy Dell, a beautician from Leman Street, ran from her home in a grief-stricken frenzy after the remark and threw herself into the dock at high tide from where her body was later recovered by a Thames River Police launch....

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman has drowned after throwing herself into Wapping Dock following a careless remark from her boyfriend who pointed out she had hairy toes. Tracy Dell, a beautician from…