10/12/2025
The lie we tell ourselves about beating children
Before I begin, let me say this clearly. Some people are going to disagree with me on this. And that is okay. In fact, that is partly why I write. I believe good, honest disagreement creates growth. So if this piece stirs something in you, whether agreement or resistance, I invite you into the comments. Let us talk. Let us reason. Let us listen to each other. And if you feel this conversation matters, please share it with others and with your groups. The more voices we hear, the better.
In Zambia and across much of Africa, corporal punishment is still widely used in homes and in many schools. It is seen as normal. It is wrapped in culture, tradition, and the belief that this is how children learn discipline, respect, and obedience. In some schools, parents are even asked for permission to beat their own children. Many agree. Some even demand it.
The logic sounds simple. Children need control. Authority must be enforced. Pain teaches lessons.
But here is the hard truth. That logic is deeply flawed. And the damage it causes is far greater than most people are prepared to admit.
Many of us grew up hearing the phrase, “spare the rod and spoil the child.” A saying often linked to strict Christian schooling traditions, including the Christian Brothers. It was repeated so often that it became almost sacred. As if violence had divine backing. As if fear was a holy tool of education.
It is not.
Across the world, most children still live in countries where corporal punishment is legal or only partially restricted. Africa is no exception. While some countries have moved to ban it fully, many still allow physical punishment in the home, in schools, or both. Zambia sits in a grey area where enforcement and cultural practice often override child protection in reality.
So yes, it continues not because it works, but because the law is slow, systems are weak, and culture defends it.
But legal does not mean right. Tradition does not mean moral. And familiarity does not mean effectiveness.
The idea that children must be beaten into discipline did not begin in Africa. It was deeply embedded in European schooling systems during colonial times. British schools used caning as standard practice. Mission schools brought the same methods with them. Over time, it became part of the fabric of African education.
What was imported as control later became defended as culture.
And now we defend what was once imposed.
Let us be honest about what corporal punishment really produces.
It produces fear.
It produces short term obedience.
It produces silence.
But it does not produce moral understanding.
It does not produce empathy.
It does not produce ethical thinking.
It does not produce inner discipline.
What it teaches is this.
Power equals violence.
Authority must be feared.
And when you are bigger, stronger, or in charge, you are allowed to hurt.
Children learn how to comply. They learn how to avoid pain. They learn how to hide mistakes. They learn how to obey outwardly and rebel inwardly.
That is not character. That is survival.
Decades of research across different cultures shows the same pattern. Children who are beaten are more likely to become aggressive, anxious, withdrawn, or violent later in life. They struggle more with self regulation. They struggle with trust. And many carry emotional wounds long into adulthood.
Yet still we hear the same line again and again.
“It never did me any harm.”
“It is the best thing that ever happened to me.”
That belief is comforting. But it is not evidence. And it ignores the silent damage that so many carry without ever naming it.
Corporal punishment creates obedience. Not wisdom.
Compliance. Not conscience.
Silence. Not understanding.
True discipline is not about control. It is about formation.
It is not about fear. It is about growth.
It is not about breaking the will. It is about shaping the soul.
If we want children to understand right from wrong, then we must teach right from wrong.
If we want children to be compassionate, we must model compassion.
If we want children to be honest, we must live honestly.
If we want children to be self disciplined, we must show what self discipline looks like.
You cannot beat ethics into a child.
You must show them.
There is another way. A harder way. A slower way. But a far better one.
Restorative discipline.
Guidance through explanation.
Correction through relationship.
Accountability through responsibility.
Justice shaped by compassion.
Forgiveness that still holds boundaries.
This is how children grow into ethical human beings.
Not because they fear pain.
But because they understand consequence.
Because they feel respected.
Because they are seen.
Because they are taught.
Because they belong.
Children who are formed this way do not just obey when you are watching.
They carry values into the world when you are not.
That is real discipline.
Beating children does not make strong adults.
It often makes fearful ones.
Angry ones.
Broken ones.
Or people who carry violence forward into the next generation.
We cannot keep saying we love our children while defending a system that physically harms them in the name of discipline.
Love does not need a stick.
Authority does not need violence.
Respect cannot be forced.
The choice in front of us
We can keep passing down what was handed to us.
Or we can choose to do better.
We can raise children who obey out of fear.
Or we can raise children who live by conscience.
We can build homes and schools ruled by punishment.
Or we can build homes and schools grounded in justice, compassion, forgiveness, and ethical formation.
One path is easy.
The other is right.
And I know which one I choose.
