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The Doric Daily News, Fraserburgh (2024)

21/02/2024

ABERDEENSHIRE MAN DISCOVERS CONSPIRACY INVOLVING FARM ANIMALS, ALIENS
By Reporter

In a stunning turn of events, Peterhead resident and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist, Harold McSkeptical, has announced his groundbreaking discovery of an elaborate conspiracy involving farm animals and crop circles. McSkeptical claims to have uncovered a secret organization that operates from the depths of Aberdeenshire's rolling hills, orchestrating a grand scheme to communicate with extraterrestrial beings.

According to McSkeptical, his journey into uncovering this clandestine operation began when he stumbled upon an oddly shaped crop circle while walking in a field near his home. The peculiar design, resembling a sheep wearing a tin foil hat, immediately triggered his suspicious mind.

Convinced that the crop circle was not the work of natural phenomena or mischievous teenagers, McSkeptical embarked on a quest to decode its hidden message. Armed with a magnifying glass and an old copy of "The X-Files" DVD collection, he spent countless sleepless nights scrutinizing the intricate patterns etched into the fields.

After days of intense analysis, McSkeptical made a breakthrough. He deciphered what he believes to be a series of encoded messages from extraterrestrial life forms, hidden within the seemingly harmless crop circles. The messages allegedly included instructions for farm animals to carry out secret missions, such as covertly gathering intelligence, and spreading disinformation among humans.

McSkeptical's claims became even more outlandish when he started linking these covert missions to the behaviour of local farm animals. According to his research, cows would moo in Morse code to transmit classified information, while sheep would use synchronized bleating patterns to communicate with UFOs hovering above Aberdeenshire's vast pastures.

As news of McSkeptical's revelations spread, he quickly gained a cult-like following among fellow conspiracy enthusiasts, who dubbed themselves "Crop Circle Crusaders." They hold meetings in McSkeptical's basement, equipped with walls plastered with red string connecting various sheep farms, crop circles, and extraterrestrial sightings.

Local farmers, however, have dismissed McSkeptical's claims as utter nonsense. John MacMoray, a fourth-generation sheep farmer, stated: "I've been raising sheep for ower 40 years, and I can assure yi they're nae secret agents. They're just interested in grazing and avoiding the occasional XL Bully dog that some dodger has 'saved' fae England."

Despite the ridicule and skepticism from the scientific community, McSkeptical remains undeterred. He plans to publish a book titled "The Sheep Code: Unravelling the Secrets of Aberdeenshire's Farmyard Spies" and hopes to secure a spot on a popular YouTube show hosted by a taxi driver in his car while the wife's boyfriend visits.

As Aberdeenshire continues to grapple with the fallout of this bizarre conspiracy theory, one thing is for certain: Harold McSkeptical is leaving a mark on the region's history, much like the crop circles he believes hold the key to the universe.

19/02/2024

TURRIFF BOY RACER TURNS HEADS WITH "TRACTOR OF SPEED"
By Reporter

The world of boy racing in Turriff has taken an unexpected turn as a daring young enthusiast has ditched conventional vehicles and opted for a new mode of transportation that's capturing the attention of locals. Meet Adam "The Farmer" McBurney, the boy racer who has chosen a tractor as his vehicle of choice for tearing up the streets.

While other boy racers are busy modifying their dad's sports car, Adam has taken a bold step back in time, embracing the raw power and agricultural charm of a classic tractor. With its rumbling engine, towering wheels, and exhaust smoke reminiscent of a bonfire, Adam's "Tractor of Speed" has become the talk of the town.

"It's a sicht to behold," said one bewildered onlooker. "Fan Adam revs yon tractor, yi can practically feel the vibrations in yer bones. It's like being at a monster truck rally, but we a touch o rural elegance."

Adam, sporting a flat cap and a pair of well-worn overalls, proudly showcases his tractor's modifications. The once-utilitarian vehicle now features a massive rear spoiler, neon lights that change color with the RPM, and an ear-shattering sound system that rivals the volume of Turriff United's social club following a rare win.

"I'm all aboot pushing the boundaries o boy racing," Adam declared, adjusting his shades. "Fa needs horsepower when you can hae hay-power? Iss tractor is a symbol of my rebellious spirit and ma love for the countryside."

While Adam's dedication to his unique mode of transportation is undeniable, not everyone in Turriff shares his enthusiasm. Local shops have reported an increase in broken windows due to the tractor's wide turning radius, and farmers are concerned about the potential damage to their fields caused by his impromptu off-road excursions.

But Adam remains undeterred, with plans to establish the Turriff Tractor Racing League, complete with obstacle courses and mud pits. He dreams of the day when the roar of tractor engines and the smell of diesel fuel fill the air, transforming Turriff into a hub of agricultural adrenaline.

Authorities, on the other hand, have been scratching their heads, trying to determine the legality of Adam's unconventional racing machine.

"We're in uncharted territory here," admitted a local police officer. "Oor traffic laws dinna quite account for tractors tearing through the streets at breakneck speeds. We might hiv to consult with the cows in the neighbouring fields for advice."

As Adam continues to sow the seeds of his unique brand of boy racing, Turriff finds itself at the crossroads of tradition and innovation.

Whether you love it or loathe it, one thing is for certain: Adam is plowing his way into the annals of Turriff boy racing history.

19/02/2024

FRASERBURGH COUNCILLOR NAMES SELF RULER OF THE SEAGULLS, PROPOSES CHIP TAX
By Reporter

In a stunning display of avian ambition, local councillor Agnes McMair has declared themselves the self-proclaimed ruler of the seagulls that frequent the coastal town. McMair's audacious claim to avian authority has left residents wondering if this is some kind of elaborate prank or a genuine exercise in absurdity.

McMair, known for getting in Facebook arguments and a penchant for sea-themed attire, made the announcement during a town hall meeting. Standing atop a podium adorned with fish-shaped flag banners, they addressed the bewildered crowd, declaring: "Hear ma, good people of the Broch! I hereby crown masel the rightful ruler of the majestic seagulls that grace oor skies!"

The declaration was met with a mix of laughter, confusion, and a few raised eyebrows. Undeterred, she proceeded to outline their grand vision for seagull governance, which involved enacting policies to address various seagull-related issues in the town.

One of McMair's primary proposals is the implementation of a new tax on local fish and chip shops. They argued that the tax would help fund seagull welfare programs, including the establishment of dedicated seagull sanctuaries and the development of seagull-friendly rubbish disposal systems.

The proposed tax, dubbed the "Wing Levy," would require fish and chip shops to contribute a percentage of their profits towards seagull-related initiatives. McMair believes this tax would not only benefit the seagull population but also promote a more harmonious coexistence between humans and the feathered residents of Fraserburgh.

Naturally, the fish and chip shop owners were less than thrilled about the idea. Dave McFryer, owner of "The Golden Gills," expressed his concerns, saying: "I ken the importance of wildlife conservation, but taxing us for the actions of seagulls seems a bit excessive. Besides, they already get their fair share of chips fae unsuspecting tourists!"

McMair remains undeterred by the opposition, assuring the public that their intentions are noble.

"By taxing fish and chip shops, we will be addressing the root cause of seagull aggression and over-reliance on human food," she said. "Together, we can create a utopia far seagulls coexist peacefully we locals and chips remain chip-shaped."

Only time will tell if McMair's reign as the self-proclaimed ruler of the seagulls will be met with support or if it will ultimately be seen as a feather-brained idea.

18/02/2024

PETERHEAD DECLARES ITSELF "BERMUDA TRIANGLE" OF SCOTTISH WEATHER
By Reporter

In a puzzling twist of meteorological anomalies, the small coastal town of Peterhead has proudly declared itself the "Bermuda Triangle of Scottish Weather." The baffling climate patterns and unpredictable atmospheric conditions have left meteorologists scratching their heads while locals embrace the town's newfound reputation as a hub of meteorological mischief.

Nestled on the northeastern coast of Scotland, Peterhead has long been known for its stunning coastal characters and picturesque harbour graffiti. However, in recent years, the town has gained notoriety for its peculiar and often absurd weather phenomena, leaving residents and visitors alike in a state of perpetual confusion.

One moment, the sun shines brilliantly, prompting locals to break out their SPF 50 sunscreen and beach towels. The next moment, dark storm clouds roll in, accompanied by torrential rain and gale-force winds that send umbrellas flying and leave pedestrians clinging to bandstands for dear life.

As a result, meteorologists stationed in Peterhead have given up trying to make accurate weather predictions. The local weather report had become a source of entertainment, with residents placing bets on how many times the meteorologist's predictions will be completely off the mark.

"Peterhead's weather is like a box of chocolates – yi niver ken fit yer gan ti get," chuckled local resident Sheila McSkeptic, as she struggled to navigate the sudden shift from hail to sunshine within a matter of minutes. "One minute it's sunny, the next it's snowing. It keeps life interesting, I suppose!"

The town council has embraced the quirkiness of Peterhead's climate and has begun to capitalize on its reputation. Tourism brochures now feature taglines such as "Experience All Four Seasons in One Day!" and "A Weather Rollercoaster Like No Other!" Visitors are encouraged to pack everything from sunscreen to snow boots, just in case.

Local businesses have also adapted to the whimsical weather patterns. Fish and chip shops now offer "Rainy Day Specials" to lift spirits during sudden downpours, while umbrella vendors have seen a lucrative spike in sales. Meanwhile, sunscreen manufacturers have experienced a surge in demand during unexpected sunny spells.

Peterhead's claim to be the "Bermuda Triangle of Scottish Weather" has not gone unchallenged, however. Other communities, such as Inverness and Wick, argue that they too have their fair share of meteorological mysteries. A fierce rivalry has emerged, with each town vying for the coveted title of the most baffling weather patterns in Scotland.

As meteorologists continue to scratch their heads and residents prepare for all weather eventualities, one thing is clear: Peterhead's unpredictable climate has turned the town into a peculiar and enchanting destination.

So, if you find yourself in Peterhead, remember to pack your sunglasses, raincoat, snow boots, and, above all, a really big stick. Because in Peterhead, you never know what the weather will bring next, but you can be sure it will still be Peterhead. Rough.

18/02/2024

LOCAL HERO DISCOVERS NEW METHOD TO KEEP FISH FRESH FOREVER, DECLARED FISH WHISPERER
By Reporter

In a breakthrough that has stunned the scientific community and left local fishmongers scratching their heads, a self-proclaimed "fish whisperer" from Fraserburgh claims to have developed a revolutionary method to keep fish fresh forever.

Angus Hay, a retired plumber with a penchant for piscine pursuits, has become an overnight sensation after unveiling his supposedly game-changing discovery.

According to Hay, the secret lies in his unique ability to communicate with fish on a deeply spiritual level.

"I've always had a special connection with our aquatic friends," he explained. "They tell me their deepest desires and fears, and now they've revealed to me the secret to eternal freshness."

Fraserburgh Fish Market was abuzz with excitement as Hay demonstrated his technique in front of a skeptical audience at yeserday's landings. He brought out a bucket filled with an assortment of fish, ranging from haddock to salmon, and began engaging in what appeared to be an animated conversation with the aquatic delicacies, and the onlookers watched in awe as the fish seemed to respond to his words, swimming energetically in the bucket.

Hay's method involves a complex blend of positive affirmations, classical music, and aromatherapy. He claims that by soothing the fish's souls and creating a stress-free environment, he can halt the natural decay process, effectively freezing them in a state of perpetual freshness.

"It's all about giving them a sense of purpose and fulfilment," he declared, holding up a sprig of lavender as if it were a magic wand.

Naturally, scientists and experts in the field remain sceptical of his claims. Dr. Fiona MacIntyre, a marine biologist from the University of Aberdeen, expressed her doubts, stating: "While Mr. Hay's enthusiasm is commendable, there is no scientific evidence to support his theory. Fish, like any organic matter, decay over time, and no amount of positive reinforcement can change that."

Nevertheless, Hay's fame continues to grow, and he has already received numerous inquiries from fishmongers and seafood restaurants eager to learn his secrets. In response, he plans to launch a series of workshops titled "Zen and the Art of Fish Preservation," where he will teach his techniques for an energy transfer of about £10 per fish.

Local residents have mixed feelings about his newfound fame, however. Some hail him as the saviour of Fraserburgh's fishing industry, while others dismiss him as a deluded eccentric.

One sceptical local, who wished to remain anonymous, quipped: "If he's so good with fish, maybe he shid run for the Scottish Parliament. We cud use someone fa can communicate we politicians. They hiv been gein us positive affirmations for years aboot how things will get better and we still only hae charity shops and takeaways in the toon centre!"

Only time will tell if Hay's fish-whispering abilities are the real deal or just an elaborate prank. In the meantime, Fraserburgh remains captivated by the enigmatic man who claims to have unlocked the secrets of eternal fish freshness.

12/05/2023

It's getting oot o hand in the Broch.

17/03/2023

STREETS HINNA BEEN CLEANER SINCE SMOKING PRICE RISE SAYS LOCALS
By Reporter

Folk across the north-east hiv the day delighted in jist how bonnie and clean their pavements are for the first time in years.

The government announced a packet of smokes wid go up in price fae midnight ti aboot £15, and as a result naebody can really afford ti baith heat their hoose and tak up the expensive hobby o smoking.

Noo, it's nae just local "characters" that are picking up stray tabbies fae ootside o the shops. Abidy is at it, and they're leaving clean pavements in their wake.

Maureen Phillips, fae the Broch, said: "Av nivver seen the Broadgate looking sae good. Richt enough, it's a shame ers so mony folk on their hands and knees fighting ower a half-smoked Marlboro but at least it'll get picked up."

David James, fae Peterheid, added: "The cooncil shid of announced a price rise on bandstands, mibbe somebody wid have teen at aff oor hands ina."

V**e smoked Skyler Reed, also fae Peterheid, wis less than happy we how the situation is panning oot.

"First they came for oor tibacca and abidy lauged," he telt us between blawing oot massive puffs of caramel flavoured smoke.

"Bit fit will folk dee fan they come for oor mooth fedoras? Va**ng is ma constitutional richt and I winna gie up ma cola flavour v**e juice for naebody."

16/03/2023

“NAW, IT’S THEM THAT ARE WRANG” INSISTS BUS COMPANIES
By Reporter

Despite pumping up their prices and nae running regular services, bus companies are trying er best ti come up we ony other reason as ti why folk dinna want ti tak oot a second mortgage ti get fae their hametoon ti Aiberdeen.

First it wis a rap sang they posted ti YouTube ti attract the tweens, and noo they’ve went aheid and made a series o films because they seemingly think folk are jist too stupid ti ken how to pay by card fan they’re getting inti and oot o their buses.

The movies include “How To Catch a Bus!”, “How To Pay Like A Pro!”, and “How To Get Off A Bus!”

We spoke ti heid o the buses union Davie Clarke for his take.

He said: “Weel times are hard and we only made aboot £70million o profits last year, so weer trying oor best ti bump at nummer up. Since abidy has clicked onti oor plan ti increase the cost o fares across the bus companies, and oor refusal ti dee basic things like keep oor motors running, some folk jist dinna want ti spend at money we us onymare.

“And the easiest thing we think ti dee is tell abidy their ower stupid ti ken how ti ride a bus properly. If they werena sich thickos, we think they’d realise weer actually dein them a service.”

Prominent bootlicker James Campbell his been seeding the videos in his local community Facebook groups.

“Yi dinna use it, yill lose it,” he telt somebody fan it wis pointed oot its cheaper ti drive.

15/03/2023

NUMMER O POT HOLES ON OOR ROADS ACTUALLY RESULT O LOCAL KOOK
By Reporter

The Doric Daily can the day exclusively reveal the growing nummer o potholes on north-east roads is the result o one Broch man.

Dave Hasselford, fa films himself ranting aboot government conspiracies and crypto in his car for his three Facebook followers as he goes tee and frae the corner shoppie so the wife disna shout at him, his for months been digging up holes on the main roads inti and oot o Fraserburgh.

Last nicht, he telt us he wis deing it nae oot o vindictiveness but ti prove the earth wis flat.

“Ma hope is that fan I dig deep enough I’ll brak through ti the other side o the planet and be able ti prove ma theory,” he said.

“The problem is I keep getting interrupted fae passing traffic, so I hiv ti jump in the car and drive awa afore onybody sees ma. Ats why there’s sae mony holes.”

Last year, Mr Hasselford took ti calling folk “sheeple” for getting the flu jab and made claims fit suggested 5G towers were actually being used ti train scurries ti sh*te on cars.

14/03/2023

LOCAL BOY RACER WINS AWARD
By Reporter

A north-east tweenager his last nicht spoken oot aboot his joy at being voted the region’s maist liked personality.

Jacob Wiseman, fae Fraserburgh, his ayewis been obsessed we cars and dreamed o making it big on the boy racer circuit, spending his nichts running illegal taxis oot o the Broch and circling locations like Peterheid’s Lido, Turra’s square, and the Flaggie in his hametoon.

Since passing his test, he’s funnelled every wik’s pocket money inti suping up his mam’s one-litre Corsa ti impress abidy, and noo it appears ti hiv payed aff.

And noo locals in the Broch hiv voted him as the maist liked personality in their annual community awards.

Jacob said: “It’s hard ti stand oot in this toon o boy racers, we other fowk haein second-hand Astra VXRs and some loons using their dad’s fishing boats ti pit Subarus doon as tax expenses.

“But am really happy that a ma hard work his payed aff and av got this award. I’m hoping ti add an even louder drainpipe ti my mam’s car in the coming wiks and mibbe lower the suspension so I hiv ti slow richt doon ti get ower speed bumps.”

Janey Craddock, the community cooncillor fa heids up the awards, said Jacob wis an obvious choice for iss year’s award.

“Weer in an economic doonturn and Jacob brings a smile ti abidy’s face fan they hear his turbo pop and his wheels burn fan he turns a corner,” she said.

“He’s a reminder that while things are pretty bad the noo, ers ayewis somebody we can rally around and hud up as an example that it cud ayewis be worse. At least weer nae spending oor nichts doon the Flaggie.”

13/03/2023

MSP ANNOUNCES THEY’VE WRITTEN TI FELLOW MSP ABOOT LOCAL PROBLEM
By Reporter

Efter hunners o calls aboot a major issue in their constituency, a local MSP fa’s party has been in power for ower a decade has finally took the step ti go ti the newspapers we the revelation they’ve written a strongly worded letter ti their fellow party member fit his an office next door.

Sally Considine, MSP for Aiberdeenshire, took the brave step ti write a letter to Duncan Rhodes - MSP for Aiberdeen and Secretary for Potholes - voicing her worries aboot the growing problem on the north-east’s carriageways.

It comes efter public ootcry on social media pages aboot the nummer o potholes fae the Broch to Aiberdeen fit are making it dangerous ti escape the barren port.

Getting her office helper ti pen a second letter ti the newspapers we her thochts, Ms Considine is telling abidy: “Good news, av written ti the roads secretary aboot ma constituents concerns asking for urgent work ti be undertaken on the problem.

“Ma letter in the strongest terms asks Duncan Rhodes ti take on these works as a matter o urgency for abidy’s safety.

“A cud have jist asked him in the canteen at deener time, or seener if a bid locally and kent fit was happening, but I hope ess letter fit am publishing in full on ma Facebook proves a dee a lot o work and read a lot o yer comments on ma Instagram between standing next ti posters for i latest campaign fit am endorsing.”

Mr Rhodes last nicht said: “Ms Considine is definitely a great asset ti her local community and dis a lot o work like me, and ess is amongst the finest letters av read.

“Weel get richt on this work sometime efter we’ve dualled the A9 if baith she and I get reelected. I promise iss time.”

Other bold stands Ms Considine his taken we letter writing include saying she wis against the sna, racism, and thermonuclear annihilation.

12/03/2023

FIT THIS TOON NEEDS IS A CLITHES SHOP, SAYS WIFEY FA HISNA BOUGHT NEW CLITHES IN A DECADE
By Reporter

Oor toons are on their knees we tourists avoiding the likes o Peterheid and Fraserburgh because there’s nithin ti see nor dee in the ports.

It’s a conundrum fit his left cooncillors at a loss as ti fit can be deen for years.

Fae daft statues o fish, ti a bandstand in the toon centre, nithin has been successful in selling either place as a holiday destination.

And we new hotels poppin up, and we fears naebody wid be caught deed in them, the cooncil are - for a lack o a better word - bricking it.

But prolific newspaper commenter Jane Dales, fa bides in the Broch and has nivver run a business o ony kind and does her ane shopping online, thinks she his a plan ti save oor economies and oor futures.

“Fit ees toons need is a decent clithes shop,” she posted on a recent P&J story aboot planning applications.

“In my day yi used ti be able ti go inti the toon centre and buy yerself a jacket fit fitted. Noo its a jist takeaways and v**e shops, nae tourist is gan ti want that. Fit they want ti buy is jackets and jeans ti humph back in their luggage.”

Her thochts were echoed by Jimmy Mair, fa’s profile picter is the Rangers Football Club badge. He bides in Peterheid.

“Ers nithin for bairns ti dee these days,” he moaned.

“Fan I wis a teenager I’d be doon the swing park playing, bit they’re mare interested in their phones and playing PlayStation. Fit we need is a weekly disco ti keep em oot o trouble and gie visitors somethin ti dee.”

We tried ti reach oot ti Mr Mair ti elaborate a bitty on his idea, bit he wis busy playing level 334 o Bingo Blitz on his phone.

11/03/2023

TV SHOW TI BE FILMED IN BROCH
By Reporter

Aff the success o a BBC show fit featured the Broch for five minutes we two unknowns eating at a fish restaurant, television bosses are planning ti roll oot a suite o new programs for the box.

Shows cud be filmed in the toon centre and even as far as the beach, if visitors ti the toon can figure oot how ti get there fae the Broadgate.

TV honcho Barry Glitzer telt the Doric Daily: “Well we the guerilla marketing we did in the Broch community groups, we got the feeling we hinna quite milked this coo dry yet.

“Folk seemed ti enjoy oor show fit made the Broch seem like a twee little toon stuck in the place time forgot, and there’s ample mare opportunities ti treat the place like a sideshow. Of course, we’ll be bringing in even mare insufferable and unfunny hosts for the next couple of programs.

“We reckon the type o folk that will enjoy these new shows are the eens fit thocht naming somebody ‘Beige Boy’ because they dinna like vegetables wis top banter.”

Local cooncillor Darren Wisencroft said he was excited by the news.

“Onythin fit gets eyes on the toon can only be good,” he telt us.

“Folk will see the Broch and mare importantly they’ll mibbe see me. Iss could be my chance ti get oot o this place and mak it big as a real politician.”

Rumoured shows include: “Hell’s Kitchen: The Wimpy Project”, a show where a celebrity chef has ti run the kitchen of the Wimpy for a denner time service, “Call the Midwife, Doctor, Ambulance or a Paramedic”, a gameshow far contestants battle it oot ti see fa can get a hud of a doctor’s surgery for an appointment to win a cash prize, and a new take on “Springwatch” far a narrator voices over the goings on o the wild animals and people o the Broch’s Broadgate.

10/03/2023

TURRA FERMER BREAKS WORLD RECORD
By Reporter

A north-east fermer his broken a world record efter driving his tractor at 20mph along a main arterial route during rush oor.

Ivor Dalgettie, fae Turriff, drove fae his ferm a the wye ti the Broch gan jist 20mph jist fan abidy was finishing work on Thursday afternoon. The speed and time at fit he left, while nae notable for an Aiberdeenshire tractor driver, resulted in ower three miles o backed up traffic - a new world record.

Reacting ti the news, Mr Dalgettie said: “Och am fair chuffed we masel.

“Yi ayewis hear aboot ees things bit yi never expect it ti be happening ti yersel.”

He says he hid ti pit up we some unsavoury language fae fellow motorists on his wye ti the world record, bit wisna taking it personally.

He added: “Aye, there wis a few mean looks and words exchanged fae some BMW and Audi drivers, but I jist kept swerving oot ti mak sure they cudna get past. They micht nae hiv liked it at i time but they’re a part o history noo.”

The previous world record was held by Peterhead man Dean Buchan, fa drove his tractor through ti Aiberdeen refusing ti stop in laybys. He wis ultimately only able ti get ti two miles o backed up traffic afore he hit the dual carriageway.

09/03/2023

COONCIL TI LAUNCH CRYPTOCURRENCY
By Reporter

In an effort ti avert financial ruin or possibly take part in a globalist agenda if yi believe yer hairdresser, Aiberdeenshire Cooncil will seen launch its very ane cryptocurrency.

Selling aff its fleet o gritters ti fund the project, cooncil supremos hope ti launch the coin in time for winter ti distract abidy fan their aulder loved eens start dying o the cauld because they canna heat their hooses.

Crypto currency, simply kent as crypto by the types fit sit on their laptops a day, is pretend money fit blokes that hiv never kent the touch o another humanbeing try ti sell yi on their social media sites. But it’s hoped this een can actually mak some money, we the cooncil selling aff the digital currency for the low, low price o £50,000 per coin ti the public.

Newly hired heid o crypto at the cooncil Andy Venom said in a press release he emailed ti us: “Weer a struggling at the cooncil jist noo ti find the cash for a wur fancy new projects.

“So this investment opportunity weer gein the good folk o [YOUR TOWN] is a good chunce for abidy ti get involved we local democracy. We only expect iss coin ti go up in price, so this bargain bin chance ti get it for the £50K cud be your moment ti become a millionaire like them Bitcoin lads.”

We emailed him back to ask how anybody wid be makin money aff this scheme, but got his oot o office.

Dubbed “Shirecoin”, public reaction his been mixed.

Sally Truelove, an economist fae the Banff college telt us: “Crypto is jist a wye for these eejits to scam hard working folk oot o their money fan they’ve got enough o us ti bump up the price.

“Fit we shud be dein is investing in NFTs - pictures o funny monkeys in hats.”

Freethinkersoverigncitizen_69X, a Twitter user fa identifies as being fae the Broch, posted: “A hiv been telling folk for years that crypto is i future, ats why I’ve sunk a ma family’s money inti Shirecoin.

“At’s why am urging abidy ti get in on the groon fleer o this. You shud ina, and yi shud get a yer pals ti ina, then let ma ken fan yi hiv.”

08/03/2023

FUNCY CAR OWNERS SHOCKED TI FIND SNA WINNA GIE WYE
By Reporter

As yiz hiv probably seen ess wik, there’s been a bit o sna aroon Aiberdeenshire.

If yi hinna, yi clearly hinna been pying attention ti abidy we a phone camera posting pictirs and abidy we a set o windays asking fit like the roads are.

But at the Doric Daily, the newspaper o the people, we hiv ti tak a meenut ti think aboot a the peer folk that hiv drapped a second mortgage on er six bedroom McMansion and hae a private number plate on er big fancy car.

Because its em that are suffering maist the noo, being unable ti understand fit why the sna winna gie them the due respect ti drive as normal.

It’s left the likes of Broch boat owner Jimmy McHenderson struggling ti keep up appearances.

“Am dein ma best,” he said.

“Av got on ma fleecey wi ma boat’s name on it fan a go oot, and a get the lads fit I employ ti push the carty aroon the supermarket for ma so folk ken am some sort o modern day baron.

“But ess sna is making it tough for us a. The weather disna respect fa I am and at disna sit richt we me. On Monday I wis driving my land yacht and oot o naewhy I hit some ice and ended up on ma side. I didna buy a 4x4 ti drive in ees treacherous conditions!”

He went on ti blame the cooncil for nae gritting.

Psychological mannie Jeffrey Coull last nicht telt us the sna wis making it difficult for abidy fit hiz bought a massive tank ti ferry tee and frae the corner shop for milk.

He said: “Yi see, the type o folk fit ane these cars arna used ti nae getting their ane wye.

“Fan they go ti the shops they’ve become accustomed ti folk on i roads parting like the red sea so they can get their fancy cars into the parent and child spaces despite it jist being themselves or their other half in the motor.

“So fan yer in the supermarket please let em get in aboot the yalla label reductions first so they can keep thinking they're better than abidy else, and, if yi see them dein their best ti drive in conditions fit they never invented eez cars ti be used in, mak sure ti look like yir impressed that they’re able ti afford sich a nice een.”