Nothing Movies. A Podcast by Kazz Leskard and Jameson Rafter

18/03/2025

NEW EPISODE!!!
We continue our series on the Nothing Movies of James Bond actors with this “thrilling” 1980s dad-flick. Roger Moore plays Rufus Excalibur ffolkes, and no, that’s not a typo. His last name is spelled ffolkes; two f’s, both lower case. No explanation for this is ever given. ffolkes is an anti-terrorism expert who lives in a castle, has many cats, loves scotch and hates women; and is the only man for the job when hijackers (led by Anthony Perkins and Michael Parks) plant bombs on two oil rigs and a boat and threaten to blow everything up if their ransom is not met. ffolkes is forced to work with a stuffy Admiral (James Mason) and, ugh, several WOMEN, to save the day and get back to his kitty cats. We watched Andrew V. McLaglen’s NORTH SEA HIJACK, aka……ffolkes, on this episode of Nothing Movies!
https://youtu.be/UZ03xV3uaQA?si=OUyP0ADDGm5P2Rdd
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0ReMpJiDyBcxMyWBDzXZsh?si=2-CwzYc9S6OY7aC_HQiDyg

08/03/2025

NEW EPISODE!!
We’re covering the Nothing Movies of James Bond actors, and to kick us off, Sean Connery heads to Medieval England, 11 years before he would play King Arthur himself, in this rollicking retelling of an ancient Arthurian legend brought to us by the fine folks at Cannon Films. Sir Gawain (Miles O’Keeffe) is but a lowly steward in the royal court, but one boring evening when the King (Trevor Howard) is feeling pi**ed off by his lazy knights, a stranger arrives at the castle gates; the Green Knight (Connery), who issues a challenge: if someone can chop the Green Knights head off with his own axe, then in a years time, the Knight will return to…cut that person’s head off?? (It’s a really old story, folks, it has a few plotholes). Gawain agrees, and sets off on a year-long quest; where he discovers a mystical parallel world with a beautiful, easily-kidnappable maiden named Linet (Cyrielle Clair), and runs afoul of the power-hungry Baron Fortinbras (John Rhys-Davies), his mewling son Oswald (Ronald Lacey) and their devious Senesch… Seneschul…Sen….their butler (Peter Cushing). Will Gawain find the Green Knight’s lair and….do….something? We’ll be honest, the plot kind of escaped us on this one. We watched Stephen Weeks’ SWORD OF THE VALIANT: THE LEGEND OF SIR GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcNGVUHzGts&ab_channel=NothingMovies
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4XGglEbL9niMb2Rogp3FHW

22/02/2025

NEW EPISODE!!
Our miniseries on the greatest director to never exist concludes with this wacky 1986 supernatural comedy that asks “What if Ghostbusters had 80% more direct references to the American slave trade?” Bumbling cops and best friends Buford (Sherman Hemsley) and Benny (Luis Avalos) are sent by their stern Sheriff (Pepper Martin) to evict two old ladies from a notorious haunted house; a house Buford visited as a child one spooky Halloween evening. The house is indeed haunted by racist, mad scientist vampire (?!) Beauregard Lee (also Pepper Martin). But when Buford and Benny fall for Beauregard’s lovely great-granddaughters Linda (Deborah Benson) and Lisa (Diana Brookes), they’ll need all the help they can get from a pair of friendly, helpful spooks; Andrew Lee (Myron Healey), Beauregard’s kind grandson, and Jethro (also Sherman Hemsley), Buford’s own great-grandfather. Also, no bu****it, the last 20 minutes of this movie are a boxing match between Benny and Smokin’ Joe Frazier! We watched Alan Smithee’s GHOST FEVER, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://youtu.be/6Jd2RRMmyRg?si=3zq-oJS2vnAfkh3x
https://open.spotify.com/episode/7auU3bTKAiGr64ZfHDVmqC

03/02/2025

NEW EPISODE!!
Our series on the greatest director to never exist continues with this 1986 action flick abandoned by Stuart Rosenberg (Cool Hand Luke/ The Amityville Horror) after producers forced the inclusion of more scenes with People’s Sexiest Man of the Year Mark Harmon. When Harry (Harmon), a blue-collar plumber from Illinois is kidnapped by drug dealers while working on a job in Columbia, and the US government won’t lift a finger to help him, younger brother Corey (Michael Schoeffling) and his three buddies Bob (Thomas F. Wilson), Kurt (Rick Rossovich) and Spence (Glenn Frey) decide to do what any good friend would do in this situation; sneak illegally into Columbia themselves and “Get Harry”! Along with hired mercenary Shrike (Robert Duvall) and larger-than-life car salesman Smilin’ Jack Abernathy (Gary Busey), these men are on a mission to rescue their pal. But will the power of friendship be enough? We watched Alan Smithee’s LET’S GET HARRY, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziGBKSIiT-w&ab_channel=NothingMovies
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2vDUz28cTOnzIkTJvHKCx4

Gary Busey bankrolls four plumbers and Robert Duvall on a mission to rescue a 5th plumber. An Alan Smithee film.https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091400/instagra...

21/01/2025

NEW EPISODE!!
Normally on this show, we cover the careers of actors by looking at the movies they were in that don’t exist. So for our first director spotlight, it made sense to cover a director that literally does not exist. For many years, Alan Smithee was the pseudonym director’s used when the final cut of a film didn’t represent their overall artistic vision, and in 1997, Hollywood capitalized on this by making an entire film about Alan Smithee. A film so bad, the director Arthur Hiller (Love Story, The Out-of-Towners) took his name off of it, replacing it with…you guessed it.

This hubristic mockumentary follows the downfall of lost Hollywood blockbuster TRIO, which brought together the mid90s star power of Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg and Jackie Chan (playing themselves). At the helm was a seasoned British film editor making his directorial debut. His name; Alan Smithee (Eric Idle). Aghast at the garbage he had made and desperate to retain his integrity, Smithee absconds with the film’s negatives, leaving the film’s producers James Edmunds (Ryan O’Neil) and Jerry Glover (Richard Jeni) nervous, sweaty, swearing, ranting wrecks and out for Smithee’s head. Teaming up with underground filmmakers The Brothers Bros. (Coolio & Chuck D), Smithee realizes the only way to save his good name is to send TRIO…up in flames.
We watched Alan Smithee’s AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM: BURN HOLLYWOOD BURN, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://youtu.be/vipSk0Yf6GU?si=bx36OMTCG4n9VSSN
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0HRNzNBhjUtW0ym6iMomQd

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This is an infinitesimally small number of people affected, so please continue to scroll through Gofundme and drop a few dollars where you can.

22/12/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
Tim Allen, the undisputed king of Christmas movies (5 plus a Disney+ tvshow!) brings us one of his darkest and cynical looks at the holiday season with EL CAMINO CHRISTMAS. Eric (Luke Grimes) has come to El Camino, NV in search of the father he never knew. As soon as he rolls into town, however, a series of misunderstandings gets him in hot water with corrupt cop Ho**er (Vincent D’Onofrio) and lands him a vicious beating and a night in a cell. After being sprung by good-hearted but dim Deputy Billy (Dax Shepard), Eric gets caught by Ho**er skipping town, leading them to a hostage situation inside the local liquor mart. Trapped inside with them are single mom Kate (Michelle Mylett) with her young son Seth (Ashton Essex Bright), store owner Vincente (Emilio Rivera) and local town drunk Larry (Allen) who knows more than he’s letting on about Eric father. With Deputy Billy and Sherrif Fuller (Kurtwood Smith) outside attempting to keep the body count at a minimum, and a local TV anchor (Jessica Alba) looking to get the big scoop, things are spiralling out of control quickly. But will the spirit of the season be enough to bring everyone together for the holidays? Answer: NO, a couple people are killed! We watched David E. Talbert’s EL CAMINO CHRISTMAS, on this episode of NoelThing Movies.

https://youtu.be/FzTpMzPU-5Y?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1w5kF3BUbDEvpj3WOw10e0

06/12/2024

NEW EPISODE!! About Robin Williams!!!
One of the late funnyman’s last theatrical outings was this 2014 lame family comedy; Boyd Mitchler (Joel McHale) has had a contentious relationship with his grumpy, disillusioned father Virgil (Williams) all his life, which is why his fatherhood philosophy is to do the exact opposite of what his dad did, and that goes double for Christmas. Boyd is hellbent on making this the best Christmas ever for his family, especially young son Douglas (Pierce Gagnon) who is about a year away from no longer believing in Santa Claus. But when Boyd and his wife Luann (Lauren Graham) accidentally leave all of Douglas’ presents at home while on their way to his folks house for the holidays, Boyd, Virgil and younger brother Nelson (Clark Duke) are on a mission to get back home, grab the gifts and get back before morning comes and Douglas’ innocence is broken forever. Will they make it home in time? Will Luann and Boyd’s mother Donna (Candice Bergen) manage to drink all the Vodka in the house before they return? Will that foul-smelling, Bourbon-loving Hobo Santa (Oliver Platt) turn out to be the jolly ‘ol fella himself? We watch Tristram Shapeero’s A MERRY FRIGGIN’ CHRISTMAS, on this episode of Noelthing Movies!

https://youtu.be/23fEtwmK-5c?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4b6zi89bXJyz0lm0qQLUvT

15/11/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
On this episode, we’re “a-SLAPPIN THE BASS” and looking at the career of Mr. Ageless himself, Paul Rudd. In this 2008 “comedy”, Rudd plays Henry, a mild-mannered veterinarian who is about to get married to Kate (Eva Longoria), a high-stressed Bridezilla. But when a misunderstanding with an Ice Sculptor (Stephen Root) finds Kate crushed to death by an Ice Angel, Kate ends up in the afterlife as an annoyed, and frankly, annoying ghost. Meanwhile, 1 year later, Henry’s pushy, kleptomaniac sister Chloe (Lindsay Sloane) brings him to the home of Ashley (Lake Bell), an amateur psychic and part-time caterer, in hopes that a connection to the other side will be made and give Henry some peace. Peace is the last thing anyone gets, however, when Ashley starts crushing on Henry, sending ghostly Kate on a mission to ruin her life and protect her man. Now, with an angry ghost following her everywhere, Ashley has to fight for her new love while dodging the advances of her lovelorn co-worker Dan. Oops, that’s a spoiler. Dan is pretending to be gay until midway through the movie. I just spoiled that. It’s fine, don’t watch this. Instead, listen to our episode, and hear Kazz get incensed about the Flamin Hot Cheetos movie. We watched Jeff Lowell’s OVER HER DEAD BODY, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://youtu.be/QIApoxEHpYU?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/3IGjaw1CuYIL6JjcpLMb1A

25/10/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
Our Ode to Scream Queens wraps up with one of the greatest Final “Women” in horror movie history, Ellen Ripley herself. In this “dark and twisted” take on the Grimm Brothers classic, Weaver stars as Claudia, who marries Lord Frederick (Sam Neill), making her the new step-mother to Lilliana (Monica Keena). After being upstaged by Lili at a party that leads to her miscarriage (!!!), Claudia goes full wicked stepmother and has her mute brother Gustav (Miroslav Taborsky) cut out her heart, but of course Lili escapes into the forest where she meets Seven…guys (film really drops the ball here) who sort of take her in, after an uncomfortable bit of attempted assault. With Lili still out there, Claudia tries every trick in her black magic spell book and every suggestion her magic mirror has to melt the competition away like so much snow…white? Snow White; the story is Snow White, I dunno what else to tell you. Erin Tipple is back with us as we watch Michael Cohn’s SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR, on this episode of Nothing Spookies.
https://youtu.be/Iu6GA8vvvRk?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Fn8lkI4W6gt1kDirPzy5x

09/10/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
What makes a Scream Queen? Must they always be the one to survive the killer’s bloody rampage by the end of the movie? Or can a Scream Queen simply be someone who embodies the horror genre with their very essence? We say YES! Which is why our subject is the great Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! We dive deep into one of her lesser known film appearances. Debby Tennis (Natasha Lyonne) is an awkward wallflower who has been running her father’s failing cinema ever since his death; but when an argument with her evil stepmother leads to a bloody co**se, and the security camera footage of the killing makes its way to the eyes of her dwindling audience, Debby discovers her twin passions; filmmaking…and MURDER! As her filmography progresses and the bodies in the attic begin piling up, Debby loses herself to her madness and becomes…Deborah. Film fanatic Steven (Thomas Dekker) is the only one who suspects something is up, and when Deborah’s new screening has a little too much “audience participation” Steven has to save his friends, the town, and his mom (Peterson) from the woman he once idolized. We watch Joshua Grannell, aka Peaches Christ’s ALL ABOUT EVIL, on this episode of Nothing Spookies!
https://youtu.be/s2t9ItG1B84?si=x4PIXM7liIE8nj3V
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0TcbnYIleEvCLRxQbd1sV9

27/09/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
Our ode to Scream Queens continues with the possessed little lady herself! In 1989’s WITCHERY, aka WITCHCRAFT (EVIL ENCOUNTERS), aka LA CASA 4 (we will get into it), Blair plays Jane Brooks, a young pregnant woman who takes a trip to an unpopulated island after her stepmother Rose (Annie Ross) purchases an old hotel there with the intention of turning it into a supper club. Along with her father Fred (Bob Champagne), kid brother Tommy (Michael Manchester), real-estate agent Jerry (Rick Farnsworth), architect Linda (Catherine Hickland), and a pair of trespassing researchers (David Hasselhoff and Leslie Cu***ng), the group soon learn the hotel is far from abandoned. An ancient, evil witch (Hildegard Knef) has lured them all there for a sinister purpose, one that will lead to….something? Honestly, this movie is Italian, most of the actors are speaking their lines phonetically, and its kind of impossible to tell what’s going on. But it’s gross and wacky! Danny Marquardt returns for his third episode, as we watch Fabrizio Laurenti’s WITCHERY, or whatever it’s called, on this episode of Nothing Movies!
https://youtu.be/0ej67vhP5mU?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1bYbNR6jnmAh31ojL67I8r

08/09/2024

Our Halloween ode to Scream Queens begins with the GOAT, the cream of squeeze herself, Jamie Lee. In VIRUS, Curtis plays Kit Foster, a no-nonsense, Ellen Ripley-esque Navigator about rickety tugboat the Sea Star, captained by salty alcoholic Everton (Donald Sutherland). When their cargo is capsized by a storm and the crew discover an abandoned Russian research vessel in the middle of international waters, Everton wants to claim the ghost ship for himself for a big payday. But there’s a reason this ship has been abandoned; an ALIEN reason. One might even say, an Alien VIRUS reason, but perhaps, as the virus itself later claims, perhaps it is HUMANITY that it the biggest virus of all!? Oooooh, think about it! Billy Baldwin, Cliff Curtis, Marshall Bell and the well-dressed black man from The Mexican are all on board too, and waiting to be turned to fleshy robot zombies, and elsewhere, we ask the question: is this the Nothing Movie that has the most amount of merchandise we’ve ever covered? We watched John Bruno’s VIRUS, on the episode of Nothing Movies!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrerVq8Z9w
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2JUlx0LxvVBMB1hPsHzeZT

21/08/2024

We salute one of our favourite, raving-maniac, Swedish character actors with one of his few leading roles. Based on the series by author Jan Guillou, Carl Hamilton (Stormare) is a Swedish military intelligence officer whose team is ordered to intercept and eliminate a group of Russian terrorists who have stolen a nuclear warhead and are smuggling it across Swedish borders. But Hamilton soon learns this nuke was a decoy, and the real nuke has been smuggled through Finland into Libya by former CIA officer Mike Hawkins (Mark Hamill). Now, haunted by the innocent lives he was forced to take, Hamilton sets off on a globe-trotting adventure, full of explosions, nuclear radiation, Camel-landline phones and at least one fist fight that started a real life feud between Stormare and Hamill. Plus, we discuss the compelling Norwegian trilogy of films known simply as Long Flat Balls. We watch Harold Zwart’s HAMILTON, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuxweWLEC14
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1tqwRhJX1Gy3lErDYVOpAs

07/08/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
We’re throwing some respect to one of the greats and diving into his final film as a leading man; 2002’s BACK BY MIDNIGHT (released in 2005). Rodney plays Jake Pulowski, the warden of a small private prison run by department store magnate Eli Rockwood (Randy Quaid). When Rockwood denies Jake’s request for more money and better gym equipment for the prisoners, Rockwood turns him down and instead serves him his two month notice. Left with no other options, Jake recruits his four favourite prisoners with catchy nicknames, Mile Away (Phil LaMarr), Next Week (Paul Rodriguez), Ears (Joe Nipote) and Jerk Off (Marty Belafsky) to break out and rob Eli’s various store locations for supplies…but they gotta be BACK BY ahhh you already know.

This outrageously overqualified cast includes Kirstie Alley, Harland Williams, Tony Cox, Ed Begley Jr, Gilbert Gottfried, Yeardley Smith, Louie Anderson and Michael Bolton. We watch Harry Basil’s BACK BY MIDNIGHT, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://youtu.be/VsEeqJUReF0?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2goLoJszTPU27gc5RsBuyH

19/07/2024

We’re tackling one of our biggest filmographies ever, and in the pantheon of TC’s output, nothing exists LESS than 2010’s KNIGHT AND DAY. June Havens (Cameron Diaz) is just an ordinary woman; fixing up classic cars and stressing about her sister’s upcoming wedding. When a chance encounter with a dashing man of mystery named Roy (Cruise) puts her in the crosshairs of a secret government agency and devious double-agent Fitzgerald (Peter Sarsgaard), June finds herself on the run with Roy, who has a bad habit of both keeping important information from her, and drugging her when the heat gets too intense. Among her many, MANY hazy wake-up’s, June starts to question just whether or not Roy is one of the good guys. But also, could he maybe be…the one? Viola Davis, Paul Dano and Gal Gadot are among the wasted supporting cast with little to do here, in this tepid action-comedy that critics agreed was…fine. Sara Andrina Brown is our guest, as we discuss James Mangold’s KNIGHT AND DAY, on this episode of Nothing Movies.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYQOO-4E_64
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2n35SoeuHaWcIallkfIQvX

01/07/2024

NEW EPISODE!!!
We continue our look at Nothing Blockbusters with 2001’s The Mexican; the first, long-awaited pairing of superstars Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts. A Pairing that audiences would not see again until (check notes)… 8 months later when they would both appear in Ocean’s Eleven. Pitt plays Jerry, a low-level goon working for mob boss Bernie (Bob Balaban), who has sent him to Mexico to retrieve a fabulous cursed pistol, much to the anger of his long-suffering girlfriend Sam (Roberts). Fed up with his inability to commit, Sam zooms off to Vegas while Jerry tracks down the infamous firearm, and loses it just as fast. Looking to influence Jerry, Bernie sends soulful hitman Leroy (James Gandolfini) to intercept Sam’s vacation and take her hostage. Can Jerry get it together and find the gun before his lady love meets with an unfortunate accident? Will Sam find a new BFF in the surprisingly insightful Leroy? Will James Gandolfini walk away with this entire movie, as he did most films he was in?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVjwL0Vt5w4
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6ZgSXeoE0xFqTZaVgaz0Bt

17/06/2024

NEW EPISODE!!
The podcast is going Hollywood, as we start our new miniseries on Nothing Blockbusters; films that got wide releases with big stars that nonetheless have vanished from the public conversation regarding movies people talk about. To start things off, we’re discussing the first film ever released by studio Dreamworks. When a rogue Russian general causes two passenger trains to collide and set off a nuclear warhead, killing thousands in the process, the world governments are on high alert, but blind to the actual crime; the theft of 10 more nuclear warheads. All blind that is except for Colonel Thomas Devoe (Clooney) and Dr. Julia Kelly (Nicole Kidman), who are on the case and jet-setting all over Europe in a white-knuckle, paranoid nuclear thriller that takes them from Vienna to Azerbaijan, all the way home to New York City, baybee! We watch Mimi Leder’s THE PEACEMAKER, on this episode of Nothing Movies.

https://youtu.be/aYgfvHeH7Ps?feature=shared
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0zyo0UsU92J2uot1Xb1Ewa

27/05/2024

WrestleMAYnia, All WWE Studios, All Sequels month concludes with the fourth chapter of WWE’s longest running franchise, The Marine. Taking over from John Cena and Ted DiBiase Jr and following the story from his own The Marine 3, Mike “The Miz” Mizanin returns as Jake Carter, in his second of four adventures. This go-around, Jake finds himself working security for a private firm, hired to protect whistleblower Olivia (Melissa Roxburgh) from the shadowy organization known as Genesis. But when Mercenary for hire Vogel (Josh Blacker) and his team of killers (including WWE Diva Summer Rae) track them down and wipe out the rest of the detail, Jake and Olivia are on the run through the British Columbia wilderness (oops, I mean, Washington…), trying to stay one step ahead of a bullet. It’s a low-rent Rambo as The Marine fills a forest with traps, and prove once again that a good Marine is hard to kill. We watched William Kaufman’s THE MARINE 4: MOVING TARGET, on this episode of Nothing Movies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpiSz3xaAHs
https://open.spotify.com/episode/22z4sYB4vEWh3LUkvPMk1S