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A Magnificent Mind Do you ever feel that life is overwhelming, and your thoughts are all over the place? Are you lookin
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So I'm a coach with a side job.Or side JOBS, actually.After years of hustling and pretending that I could just coach and...
04/01/2024

So I'm a coach with a side job.
Or side JOBS, actually.
After years of hustling and pretending that I could just coach and make an easy monthly 10K income (selling people on the 'Be The Best Possible You' dream, or whatever), I just had to get real.
I was totally fed up with the chronic insecurity that came with not having an endless stream of new clients, and knew that it was time to make some bold changes.
Uncomfortable stuff, for sure.
So last year, in the summer, I embarked on new and deeply humbling career endeavors that could provide me with some stability and help me get out of my bubble.
One of them, my weekend gig, is helping a sweet man who is paralyzed from the chest down, get out of bed, and I'm trained at the job.
Number two is something that takes up a lot more time, working at a company that caters to children from 4 to 11 years as an out-of-school care teacher.
I pick my kids up in the afternoon (three times a week), right after school, and drive them straight into nature or adventurous playgrounds with my cargo bike to play and learn and discover nature, often while getting deliciously muddy and wet.
While doing so, I'm training as a childcare worker, assisted by amazing colleagues who teach me the ropes.
This radical shift in my life, these two jobs that were completely out of my comfort zone, has already given me invaluable experiences.
And it wasn't easy to get into, I can tell you that, especially since it very much felt like some sort of failure to solidify my coaching stuff.
My side jobs turned out to be amazing, and they gave me structure and a new appreciation for honest and hard work.
I still coach, it's like the icing on the cake, and funnily enough this 'd-tour' actually revived my beloved primary gig and made it even more special.
Somehow, with a lot less pressure on having to constantly find new clients, new people seem to find me easier than before.
It also changed the way I coach, because I realized that my radical engagement with the world of self-help and spirituality actually made me quite single-minded, and I never realized how much I was working from a privileged perspective.
Maybe it sounds a bit weird, but this particular experience made me 'more normal', something I've always dreaded, but desperately needed.
My weekend client teaches me about life with a severe handicap, and my kids inspire me to be more like them.

Amazing what can happen if you feel stuck and simply get down to it.

Soms lijkt het alsof iedereen een beter, interessanter leven heeft dan jij.Je kijkt naar voorbijgangers en het is helema...
03/01/2024

Soms lijkt het alsof iedereen een beter, interessanter leven heeft dan jij.
Je kijkt naar voorbijgangers en het is helemaal duidelijk.
De oude man met de zonnebril die geen haast heeft lijkt wijs en tevreden.
Het stel op de motor is diep verliefd.
De twee vrouwen die hardop lachen zijn ongetwijfeld beste vriendinnen, onderweg naar een onvergetelijk gezellige middag.
Het kind dat gillend wegrent van haar oma is vervuld van vreugde en heeft geen enkele zorg in de wereld.
Je ziet een man die een hond uitlaat die onvoorwaardelijk dol op hem is.
Drie meisjes op fietsen zingen vrolijk een liedje dat je vaag kent.
Twee beste vrienden hebben een intiem gesprek en lopen schouder aan schouder.
En daar is de man in de Porsche met zijn arm uit het raam, die nou ja, een man in een Porsche is.
Iedereen lijkt opgetogen en vol energie, onderweg naar iets belangrijks of leuks, terwijl ze het beste maken van hun leven.
Iedereen gaat ergens naartoe.
Behalve jij.
Je hebt het gevoel dat je je leven verspilt.
Alsof je handenvol tijd weggooit die je nooit meer terugkrijgt.
Aan de ene kant is er de wereld waar iedereen diep betrokken is bij belangrijke en waardevolle dingen, en aan de andere kant sta jij.
En je voelt je ellendig en schuldig.
Tenminste, voor even.
Want ergens onderweg vergeet je om de ellende te voeden.
Je raakt afgeleid, je wordt wakker, je staat op en je bent er weer.
Misschien is jouw leven niet het materiaal waar boeken en films van worden gemaakt.
Misschien is het niets spectaculairs en inspireert het geen natie.
Maar het allerkleinste beetje liefde, opwinding en nieuwsgierigheid is alles wat nodig is om weer op gang te komen.
Een rijk leven wordt altijd van binnenuit geleefd.
Slechte stemmingen en donkere ideeën over de toekomst zullen wegspoelen.
En je zal dat absoluut nog vaak vergeten (want dat doen we altijd), maar je zal het je ook weer herinneren.

Ook al komt het door een klein blogje.

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(Foto door , voor Unsplash)

How can you talk about ‘me’ or ‘the me’ when you have a sense it doesn’t really exist?Well, listen to non-duality teache...
31/12/2023

How can you talk about ‘me’ or ‘the me’ when you have a sense it doesn’t really exist?
Well, listen to non-duality teachers.
They can talk about non-personal existence forever.
And they can even invite you to their satsangs, so they can tell you for hours that both time and spiritual meetings don’t really exist.
This branch of spirituality is very amusing.
And it’s not just really interesting but also endlessly puzzling and seemingly circular, and therefore something you can devote a lifetime to, without any real results.
Oops.
I was just about to say that people who get lost in non-duality, Buddhism, or the 3P’s (to name just a few of the products in the candy store) don’t really get it.
For the simple reason that all these things are mere tools to open up something bigger, while the goal is never to become really good at using the tool itself.
But…. since everything in life is always absolutely perfect even if it isn’t, becoming a Buddhist is just as good a goal as becoming enlightened.
Or peeling an onion (which is somewhat the same, metaphorically speaking).
This reminds me of all the things I have been absolutely certain about in the past.
Things that made total sense, but only for as long as they did.
For example, some of the things I wrote in my first book, 6 years ago, make me cringe in awkward agony when I read them now.
Does that mean that these earlier ‘truths’ didn’t have any value and that my most recent insights will probably be just as useless in the future?
Of course not (and probably, concerning that last bit of the question).
Everything, literally everything, is a mere building block of our personal reality, which means it’s essential.
Without the ‘what the f**k was I thinking back then!’, there’s no real sense of growth.
And it also SEEMS that whatever happened back then, turned into what’s going on and what’s deeply known at this moment.
Right now, my ultimate goal in life and everything that’s part of it is radical simplicity.
This ultimately means a s**tload of negating, cutting out, erasing, pruning, losing s**t, and ripping out many ideas.
Which is a completely natural process, by the way (and feels really good).
What’s extra cool is that all these amazing things are happening to a non-existing me, in a world that is a divine fabrication, far beyond anything knowable.
The fact that a deep sense of Oneness can co-exist with a profound feeling of separation, is what makes it incredibly spectacular.
Knowing I’m not really doing anything, in terms of personal responsibility, doesn’t get in the way of pride and awkwardness and all the other flavors of being a sloppy human.
I guess what I wanted to say (and I’m only realizing that while writing this particular sentence), is that no spiritual philosophy has to take away any experience, or any notion of individuality and free will, even though there’s an absolute certainty that these things are not real.
There’s no specific behavior needed, no obligation for any preference, and you don’t even have to become a vegan.
Nothing really happens.

But, boy, how amazing it all is!

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(Photo by , for Unsplash)

This morning, when I was drinking my bulletproof coffee, I felt an unpleasant urge to move.There was an ominous pressure...
30/12/2023

This morning, when I was drinking my bulletproof coffee, I felt an unpleasant urge to move.
There was an ominous pressure to start something, to work on something.
To f**king DO something!
As if I’m personally stopping the entire universe from universing, and now I’ve got to get back in the game before everything explodes.
So it feels something like:
You’re wasting your time, and your life, you irresponsible, lazy idiot!
Now work!
Call!
Write!
Hustle!
Make a mark!
Do something with your life!
All really compelling, and uncomfortable.
And somewhat motivating.
Sort of.
And then it struck me:
How many times have I been here before?
And how many of these times do I still remember?
The answer to the first question would be something like, let’s say, tens of thousands.
And the answer to the second is probably zero.
Or five, if I try REALLY hard.
You can do the math.
I did, and it’s pretty liberating.
We, precious human beings looking for good Wi-Fi, are created to feel importance and pressure and relevance and anxiety where it really isn’t.
It works very well.
It’s designed perfectly.
The slightly sickening, deal-breaking pressure I felt just now, was filled with personal judgments and smelly ideas about responsibility and having to be somewhere else (a ‘better’ place or position, of course), and all of that is obviously part of our amazing driving force.
Time and time again it feels like you’re seriously slacking, while everybody else is probably saving and changing the world (and their bank account, in an upward direction), so you have to get off your ass, right now!
It always feels like the world is ending, like you’re personally steering towards a disaster, and when those feelings are gone, the same day or the next, fresh ones will be created.
Effortlessly.
To me, this was very liberating and helpful to realize, and it opened up new ways to deal with it.
Or not.
I’m just having another coffee, smiling stupidly, realizing that I interrupted the habitual, guilt-ridden madness of Fu***ng Do Something Now!
This is not an excuse to not do something ‘productive’.

Why would you even need one?

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(Photo by , for Unsplash)

Almost.What an incredibly versatile word.Powerful, exciting, and scary too!I almost got hit by a car.I almost drowned.I ...
29/12/2023

Almost.

What an incredibly versatile word.
Powerful, exciting, and scary too!
I almost got hit by a car.
I almost drowned.
I almost missed my plane.
And not just that: it also captures disappointment.
I almost made it to the top.
I was almost asked to be the drummer of the band, THAT band, yes!
Almost is the word that refers to what didn’t happen.
So it’s actually about nothing.
But at the same time, it’s about everything EXCEPT what happened.
So it’s about everything, almost.
Try to imagine how vast that is!
Almost is the imaginary bridge between reality and the rest.
A single word.
Almost.
The word that can haunt you forever.
‘Ten years ago I almost bought Tesla shares.’
‘Back then I almost followed that adventurous, long-haired guitar player to his Greek island, and now he’s a billionaire with a chain of B & B’s.’
Almost is a word that can leave you speechless.
A word that captures how close you came, in any direction.
It can be about being the luckiest person in the world, and it can be about the unluckiest human being.
Just imagine.

You almost didn’t read this blog.

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(Photo by , for Unsplash)

Voor iedereen die droomt van een carrière als coach: vooral doen.Er zijn nooit genoeg mensen die anderen kunnen helpen h...
28/12/2023

Voor iedereen die droomt van een carrière als coach: vooral doen.
Er zijn nooit genoeg mensen die anderen kunnen helpen hun leven uit de knoop te halen en fijner, prettiger, en geïnspireerder te functioneren.
Maar geef je huidige baan vooral niet op.
De neiging om er vol in te duiken, je schepen te verbranden en er volledig voor te gaan is een aansprekend romantisch idee, maar het kost járen om een coaching carrière op te bouwen (net als bij ieder ander vak), en je wil jezelf niet extra belasten met de druk van weinig inkomsten terwijl je aan je skills werkt.
De online wereld staat ból van de figuren die je een eindeloze hoeveelheid nieuwe klanten beloven, in no time, en dat is simpelweg niet de realiteit.
Leren coachen betekent niet alleen leren coachen, maar het zal je genadeloos confronteren met je ontwrichtende overtuigingen over jezelf en anderen.
Je zal boosheid tegenkomen, verveling, moedeloosheid en teleurstelling, en al die tijd heb je niet alleen te maken met de persoon tegenover je, maar vooral ook de persoon die je zelf denkt te zijn.
Het cultiveren van zelfbewustzijn en het ontdekken van en omgaan met je innerlijke criticus, is absoluut onontbeerlijk voor een stevige positie in het spel met een coachee.
Coaching is zoveel meer dan het oplepelen van zelfhulp platitudes en je klanten vertellen dat ze gewoon meer in zichzelf moeten geloven.
Het is een ingewikkelde en subtiele dans die soms rationeel en logisch is, maar net zo vaak hangt op je intuïtie en gevoeligheid.
Je eigen hangups en vooroordelen komen continu aan bod, en het is doodnormaal om regelmatig serieus te twijfelen aan je capaciteit om anderen te kunnen helpen.
Die complexiteit vraagt om ervaring en zelfreflectie, en dus gaat coaching net zoveel over jou als de ander.
Maar ondanks dat, ondanks de interne strijd, de angst, en het gebrek aan zelfvertrouwen dat vaak de kop zal opsteken, geeft een mooie sessie ook of misschien wel juist intense bevrediging.
Neem die lange en soms moeizame ontwikkeling vooral mee in je overweging om dit unieke vak te gaan beoefenen, en realiseer je dat het vaak zal lijken alsof je een verkeerde keuze hebt gemaakt.
Ook dat brengt je verder, ook dat maakt je krachtiger en effectiever.
Het zal veel tijd en energie kosten, en als je je dan financieel gesteund weet door een andere baan die veilig en betrouwbaar is, staat niets je in de weg.

Veel succes, en heel veel plezier met het proces!

Investing a lot of money in yourself is not unique proof of your dedication.It doesn't mean you take your personal growt...
28/12/2023

Investing a lot of money in yourself is not unique proof of your dedication.
It doesn't mean you take your personal growth more seriously than people who don't do it.
It's not a sign of self-love.
Or the only way to get to the top (whatever that means).
It just means that you've somehow decided to take your dough and inject it in external things or 'specialists'.
Good for you, but still not a requirement.
So why do so many people claim that you NEED to do those large investments?
Why do you hear them say over and over again that it's an absolute necessity, something that simply can't be skipped?
Well, in many cases they are either coaches with hefty fees who need that story to be true, and/or they've spent a s**tload of money on development themselves, and need to feel that it was a good decision.
There's a specific self-help bubble where this idea gets established as gospel all the time, which automatically and eventually makes it sound like an unavoidable phenomenon.
I'm not saying it's a bad or useless thing to do.
I just want to make clear that you don't have to.
Not even in your journey to become The Best Version of Yourself.
It's always good to stay critical and make up your own mind.

And you don't need a coach to teach you common sense.

“Het gaat verbazingwekkend makkelijk!”, zegt ze enthousiast.Twee weken geleden is ze gestopt met drinken na een jarenlan...
28/12/2023

“Het gaat verbazingwekkend makkelijk!”, zegt ze enthousiast.
Twee weken geleden is ze gestopt met drinken na een jarenlange verslaving, en we bespreken haar nieuwe realiteit.
De voordelen zijn duidelijk, en ze somt ze moeiteloos op.
Beter slapen.
Veel helderder.
Een positiever wereldbeeld.
Ze is weer begonnen met sporten.
Het gaat stukken beter op haar werk.
Er is minder angst en minder irritatie, en juist meer geduld, iets wat vooral opvalt in relatie met haar partner en kinderen.
Ze klinkt als een folder voor abstinentie.
En dus wordt het tijd om goed op te letten.
‘Het gaat verbazingwekkend goed’ blijkt in de praktijk namelijk vaak een opmaat te zijn voor zelfoverschatting, en een deur naar gebruik die weer vrolijk opengaat.
De euforie van de eerste weken zónder is op dat moment groot, het leven vloeit weer terug, mensen voelen zich prettiger en sterker en zelfverzekerder, en dat betekent dat de kans vrij groot is dat er weer een glas op tafel komt.
Een ‘glaasje’.
Omdat het voelt alsof ‘het Geheim van Af en Toe een Drankje’ ontdekt is.
En áls er dan weer een keer wat gedronken wordt is er natuurlijk nog steeds geen man overboord, maar het is fijner en praktischer om het te voorkomen, want opnieuw drinken brengt vaak ook veel zelfverwijt en schaamte omhoog, en dat voedt de verslaving.
Het is elke keer weer fascinerend hoe snel het went, zo’n lange lijst met voordelen.
Een paar weken geleden snákte ze nog naar meer energie en meer levenslust, en nu het er eenmaal is, voelt het ook al weer snel gewoon.
Stoppen met drinken is een ingewikkeld proces met vele plateaus en momenten waarop er helemaal niets positiefs lijkt te gebeuren.
De voordelen van abstinentie worden vaak al snel duidelijk, maar dat betekent niet automatisch dat ze je ook blijven motiveren en inspireren, want alles went.
Dus als je je hebt voorgenomen om te stoppen, zorg dan dat je op de hoogte bent van de voorspelbare valkuilen en tegenvallers.
De weg omhoog is niet lineair maar uiterst grillig, dus vragen om hulp is niet alleen verstandig, maar gewoon een goede zet.
Alle obstakels zijn al door andere mensen voor jou geslecht.

Het scheelt om zo iemand naast je te hebben.

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(Foto door , voor Unsplash)

An addiction to admiration, attention, and appreciation.That’s a thing.I know, because I have it.It’s there, every singl...
27/12/2023

An addiction to admiration, attention, and appreciation.
That’s a thing.
I know, because I have it.
It’s there, every single day.
And it’s a very, very sad thing, not because it’s so superficial or habitual or weak, but because it’s all about obscuring a powerful, painful misunderstanding.
‘I’m not good enough.’
God, I had NO idea.
But it makes sense.
Even after thousands and thousands of grateful (online) remarks, after hundreds of emails from people who saw their lives change when reading my blogs and books, after having produced a bestseller (and seven more books), after writing a couple of songs for a female singer I admire a lot, after building a successful ad agency, and after quitting a bunch of nasty habits, I still feel like being in the wrong place doing the wrong thing very often.
It’s literally never enough.
No amount of studying and reflecting and working hard and learning and working even harder and receiving praise and trying and trying again, seems to do the trick of filling the void, although the distraction it brings obviously serves a purpose.
And it’s not all bad, of course.
I write and tweet and make videos because I really like doing that, I love creating stuff and being in that process, and I learn a lot about myself while doing it.
I also do it because I believe I have to, as a coach who needs to establish himself in a world full of coaches, who has to stay relevant and edgy and top-of-mind.
And, yes, I do it because of the acknowledgments.
The likes, the comments, the retweets, the direct messages.
But it’s literally never, f**king, enough.
The soothing effect of all that stuff wears off almost immediately, and the hunger for more never really goes away, because this apparent hole in me is insatiable.
It’s almost like I’m an inflatable doll, covered with an endless amount of tiny holes that keep appearing everywhere and constantly need to be repaired with patches of outside validation.
It’s an unwinnable game that I keep playing nonetheless, and what makes it worse is that I’m fairly good at it.
It IS an addiction, though.
It’s a universal coping mechanism.
And it CAN be a doorway to liberation and wholeness, once you’re willing to face it.
I had no idea my sense of not being good enough was so huge, so ingrained, so devastatingly dense, but I’m realizing it more and more, and it’s just sad, very sad.
Thinking about it makes me sick, and I’m thinking about it all the time.
But at least I’m thinking about it, acknowledging it.
Feeling it.
The hole of not being good enough can’t be filled, ever, because it’s not really a hole.
It’s a misunderstanding, based on the interpretations of a scared kid, and the dreadful conclusions that followed.

‘I’m not good enough.’

What if I really am?

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(Photo by , for Unsplash)

A while ago I posted a little video on decision-making.About how hard it is to make ‘the right choice’ when we always ha...
27/12/2023

A while ago I posted a little video on decision-making.
About how hard it is to make ‘the right choice’ when we always have to work with almost zero information and plenty of assumptions (because that’s the truth, plain and simple).
How we have no clue about the connections between everything in the universe and STILL expect our decisions to be brilliant just the same.
The video was about how difficult it is to be human.
How we can punish ourselves afterward, and how that can become a painful habit.
‘Never good enough, always failing.’
I ended the recording with the suggestion to be kind to yourself and to realize that we all try very hard and do our best.
It was a sweet little message, I guess.
Inspirational.
And ten minutes later, after seeing it online, I wondered if it could have been better.
Five minutes after that I was SURE it could have been better, it SHOULD have been better, especially since it hadn’t harvested any likes yet.
You see?
Irony in motion.
It’s really very sad, in a way.
And it’s also pretty funny, somehow.
Because it’s so incredibly predictable.
The Machine of Shame, Endless Guilt, and Not Enough.
So do me and the rest of the world a favor,
and please
please
please
be kind to yourself.
And if you don’t, if you forget, if it seems inappropriate,afterward if it’s just too hard:
Be kind afterwards.

It’s never too late, okay?

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