Jess Makes Meaning

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I’ve been struggling with grief and life-wide overwhelm for a long while now; I was able to put a bit of a fence around ...
12/20/2023

I’ve been struggling with grief and life-wide overwhelm for a long while now; I was able to put a bit of a fence around it as a survival mechanism to get through my semester at university, but as soon as the dreaded month of December hit, the gates opened up on me, and I found myself free to drown.

I’ve since become a bit untethered: sleeping at odd hours, and passing the time with whatever can hold my attention for more than a few seconds at a time. I imagine this is what being a ghost feels like… there’s so much to see and do, but I’m not quite real enough to do any of it. I feel translucent.

Luckily, I have some very good friends, and one was kind enough to send me a couple of small gift cards from a work promotion. “Buy yourself something nice.”

The list of things I like is long, but the list of things I will actually allow myself to purchase during this period of my life is short. One of those things is books, and I thought two of them sounded interesting enough to add to my collection. One arrived today.

It’s easy to wonder about your sense of purpose, and whether anything at all has any meaning during times of deep depletion and loss. I know I certainly woke up feeling that way today.

And then I opened my new book, and read the dedication page.

Woke up thinking about peonies (“garden cupcakes” 🧁💐)—————
09/01/2023

Woke up thinking about peonies (“garden cupcakes” 🧁💐)

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Slow beginnings ☕️📚
08/29/2023

Slow beginnings ☕️📚

⛅️ (hey stranger)
08/24/2023

⛅️ (hey stranger)

Here’s an update on Charlie, too, since she’s getting to be so big - she’s definitely hitting that lanky, awkward stage ...
05/15/2023

Here’s an update on Charlie, too, since she’s getting to be so big - she’s definitely hitting that lanky, awkward stage now! 🐕

I’ve included some of her chunky puppy photos from when she first came home for comparison (and added a wonderfu, very sad bathtime picture for you at the end 😂).

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When faraway friends save the day ||So, I had a bit of a rough Tuesday last week. And when I say rough, I mean that I fo...
05/15/2023

When faraway friends save the day ||

So, I had a bit of a rough Tuesday last week. And when I say rough, I mean that I found out I’d waited seven months just to hear that I’d hit a major impasse in one of my ongoing medical investigations. A preemptive “no” to something like this —especially after such a long wait, and given all of the reasons I felt the administration should have said “yes” instead— was a lot to sit with, and the intensity of the silence that hung in the air after the call ended is hard to describe.

Luckily, the day had more in store for me than disappointment, because within a few moments of that long-awaited call coming to an end, the doorbell rang… and I found something very special waiting for me beneath the mailbox.

It was a package, and one that had come all of the way from the northern province of Qinghai, China. It was sent to me by my incredibly thoughtful and deeply considerate friend Miriam, whom I’ve only just recently been getting to know - not only did she take the time to find and actually send me some more of my beloved Muji pens (which I mentioned to her in passing this winter), she also sent me some printed stationary, a canvas tote bag, a handmade calligraphy bookmark made by her husband, Yonghong, and two handmade yak milk soaps, all from her very own small business. 🐃🌿

Finding and opening such a gift made the sharp edges of the morning fade considerably, and the day felt much kinder after that. I feel so incredibly blessed to be connected to so many wonderful people the world over. 🌏

**For anyone who might be interested: Miriam is a talented online creator and storyteller that documents her life in China. She also runs a Chinese cinema club in her spare time, which is open to anyone! You can find her here on Instagram (.follin), as well as on YouTube and Patreon (Miriam In China). Check her out!

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