Back Page Business News

03/01/2023

The idealism of gifting presents turned into chore-ism over the years for Melbourne man Hugh Honey who, tight on cash this year, decided to save everyone the hassle of throwing out unwanted presents by simply not buying them.

The idealism of gifting presents turned into chore-ism over the years for Melbourne man Hugh Honey who, tight on cash this year, decided to save everyone the hassle of throwing out unwanted presents by simply not buying them. From candles for cousins that have live with electricity access, to chocol...

16/12/2022

For years, Martina Martinez has been so proud of her son’s extra curricular activities, boasting to the rest of the office about his Spanish lessons and self-sustaining veggie garden. So with ATAR results for Year 12 students released this week, the office was anticipating a flurry of chatter around Hugo’s prospects as a future surgeon, lawyer or scientist. Instead, silence…

For years, Martina Martinez has been so proud of her son’s extra curricular activities, boasting to the rest of the office about his Spanish lessons and self-sustaining veggie garden. So with ATAR results for Year 12 students released this week, the office was anticipating a flurry of chatter arou...

09/12/2022

Kids can go school any time. The World Cup is only once every four years. It’s sound reasoning by father Hugh Honey who has embraced the FIFA World Cup as a worldly learning experience for his four children.

Kids can go school any time. The World Cup is only once every four years. It’s sound reasoning by father Hugh Honey who has embraced the FIFA World Cup and a worldly learning experience for his four children. With time zones for Australians out of sync with Qatar where matches started at 9pm Austr...

29/09/2022

Livid with his State Government’s failure to replicate Victoria’s AFL Grand Final Friday public holiday, Hugh Honey is threatening to move south of the border if New South Wales does not introduce a similar public holiday.

Livid with his State Government’s failure to replicate Victoria’s AFL Grand Final Friday public holiday, Hugh Honey is threatening to move south of the border if New South Wales does not introduce a similar public holiday. The Victorian public holiday – introduced by Premier Daniel Andrews in ...

21/09/2022

While he may be a diehard Sydney Swans fan, Hugh Honey will not be enjoying the festivities linked to his team making the AFL Grand Final, instead telling management that he is so upset by the passing of Queen Elizabeth II that he needs some additional bereavement leave.

While he may be a diehard Sydney Swans fan, Hugh Honey will not be enjoying the festivities linked to his team making the AFL Grand Final, instead telling management that he is so upset by the passing of Queen Elizabeth II that he needs some additional bereavement leave. Although bereavement leave i...

07/07/2022

When Hugh Honey was taken on last week as an apprentice on minimum wage, he thought he’d learn the ropes starting off with concrete mixing and brick laying. Within two hours, he was on the phone calling families asking them to transfer $200,000 if they want their home completed.

As mass layoffs sweep through Australia’s construction industry amid the current raw materials crisis, building companies are turning to apprentices to fill the boots of more experienced staff that have been let go in an effort to reduce operating expenses.

When Hugh Honey was taken on last week as an apprentice on minimum wage, he thought he’d learn the ropes starting off with concrete mixing and brick laying. Within two hours, he was on the phone calling families asking them to transfer $200,000 if they want their home completed. As mass layoffs sw...

07/06/2022

Just days after being caught on camera during the Platinum Jubilee acting like a 4-year-old and drawing attention to the parenting tactics of Kate Middleton, Prince Louis has ‘pulled his head in’, solved a global crisis, brought pride back to the Royals, and despite all this, it seems the media aren’t satisfied with the Duchess of Cambridge.

Just days after being caught on camera during the Platinum Jubilee acting like a 4-year-old and drawing attention to the parenting tactics of Kate Middleton, Prince Louis has ‘pulled his head in’, solved a global crisis, brought pride back to the Royals, and despite all this, it seems the media ...

23/05/2022

“There’s a Hole in Your Budget, Dear Labor” – it was one of the most annoying television ads to ever be broadcast in the lead up to a Federal Election and based on the ultimate result, its sheer repetition with an insane media budget cost them the election.

“There’s a Hole in Your Budget, Dear Labor” – it was one of the most annoying television ads to ever be broadcast in the lead up to a Federal Election and based on the ultimate result, its sheer repetition with an insane media budget cost them the election. With so much of the Liberals campa...

20/05/2022

Amid the raft of election promises that get thrown into public domain every four years, one of the most controversial this time around is the $50k Superannuation Access scheme.

Saving time and paperwork for all those who already own homes and don’t care about the policy’s impact, millennial Vic Vinegar has agreed to just give $50k of his superannuation to a rich old white guy, and continue being priced out of home ownership.

Amid the raft of election promises that get thrown into public domain every four years, one of the most controversial this time around is the $50k Superannuation Access scheme. Saving time and paperwork for all those who already own homes and don’t care about the policy’s impact, millennial Vic ...

12/05/2022

Having watched his friend make millions of dollars over the past decade through their investments in cryptocurrency, long-time sceptic Hugh Honey has finally admitted defeat and followed them into the space where he has opportunistically “bought the dip”.

28/04/2022

Boyfriends around the world are now thinking twice before labelling their girlfriends as ‘crazy’ or ‘a psychopath’ after revelations from the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp case were made public.

Boyfriends around the world are now thinking twice before labelling their girlfriends as ‘crazy’ or ‘a psychopath’ after revelations from the Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp case were made public. With news quickly spreading through tabloid and social media of faecal excrement found in Depp’s b...

21/04/2022

April 20, it’s a day on the calendar looked forward to by many health enthusiasts. A day dedicated to celebrating the wonderful joys that cannabis has delivered across generations to best be known as 420 Day. The day quickly turned sour however for Hugh Honey who was arrested on possession and public nuisance charges.

April 20, it’s a day on the calendar looked forward to by many health enthusiasts. A day dedicated to celebrating the wonderful joys that cannabis has delivered across generations to best be known as 420 Day. The day quickly turned sour however for Hugh Honey who was arrested on possession and pub...

12/04/2022

Ever since ScoMo’s ascendance to office, political editors around the nation have been praying that Anthony Albanese rise up the Labor ranks with his similar A**l moniker certain to appeal to a specific segment of voters.

ScoMo vs A**l, it’s the punniest political contest one editor will have the privilege of covering thanks to the widely accepted mashing of first and last names made popular by Prime Minister Scott Morrison. Ever since ScoMo’s ascendance to office, political editors around the nation have been pr...

31/03/2022

Unemployed dole bludgers have emerged as big winners from the 2022 Federal Budget with confirmation that job-seekers would receive a one-off $250 cash payment as part of the Treasury’s attempt to even wealth distribution and counter cost-of-living increases.

Welcoming the Budget was small business owner Hugh Honey who runs a network of independent distributors throughout regional towns of Morwell, Drouin and Moe.

Unemployed dole bludgers have emerged as big winners from the 2022 Federal Budget with confirmation that job-seekers would receive a one-off $250 cash payment as part of the Treasury’s attempt to even wealth distribution and counter cost-of-living increases. In total, 6 million Australians will re...

24/03/2022

Perusing the descriptively unnecessary menu, 60-year-old Tigers fan Hugh Honey eventually made it to the front of the queue before giving up trying to understand the menu, and politely asked for “a meat pie and hot chips, please.”

“Sir, you will see that we serve neither pies, nor meat. Could you please also be more specific with the chips you desire?” responded the cashier.

“One plant-based hamburger with a side of fried kale and kimchi, please.” This is how straightforward ordering food at the MCG was expected to be when Red Rooster and Domino’s were kicked out and an artisanal selection of fast food was introduced. Utter confusion ensued throughout Round 1 howe...

18/03/2022

With petrol prices at record highs, families have been forced to tighten their budgets to the point where Martina Martinez must choose between a tank of petrol or her monthly manicure. Ultimately an easy decision, she has convinced son Morton that he’ll help save the planet by walking 10km to school rather than the normal pickup and drop off.

With petrol prices at record highs, families have been forced to tighten their budgets to the point where Martina Martinez must choose between a tank of petrol or her monthly manicure. Ultimately an easy decision, she has convinced son Morton that he’ll help save the planet by walking 10km to scho...

10/03/2022

Featuring a 4 ounce beef patty, ketchup, mustard, cheese, pickles, and onions, Hugh Honey insists his burger was an original creation and definitely not a knock off of any existing burger in the market.

With a global conflict raging, fear and hysteria have now swept across Russia with scenes of panic buying and looting gripping the nation which has prompted domestic burger chain McRooskis to launch a new 4 ounce burger. Sceptics have questioned the similarity to McDonalds’ Quarter Pounder burger ...

24/02/2022

The group suggested Vinegar might enjoy the game more if he stopped guessing ‘boobs’ as his first guess each day.

Despite word puzzle game Wordle taking the world by storm, high school dropout Vic Vinegar thinks the world is fawning over this stupid game unnecessarily , dismissing it as nothing more than a flavour of the month. The outburst comes in the footy team group chat where Vinegar’s mates are quick to...

18/02/2022

Fresh off the Winter Olympics triumph of Eileen Gu who shone a light on the possibilities of budding female athletes around China, fellow half-Asian Hu Honey has confirmed that he too will follow a similar path to represent China on the global sporting stage.

Fresh off the Winter Olympics triumph of Eileen Gu who shone a light on the possibilities of budding female athletes around China, fellow half-Asian Hu Honey has confirmed that he too will follow a similar path to represent China on the global sporting stage. The decision to turn his back on Austral...

02/02/2022

As much of the Eastern world celebrated bringing in the Year of the Tiger amid Chinese New Year festivities, 32nd generation white guy Hugh Honey joined them in spirit from the comfort of his lounge room, ordering Chinese takeaway to commemorate the occasion that he took a week off from work to celebrate.

As much of the Eastern world celebrated bringing in the Year of the Tiger amid Chinese New Year festivities, 32nd generation white guy Hugh Honey joined them in spirit from the comfort of his lounge room, ordering Chinese takeaway to commemorate the occasion that he took a week off from work to cele...

19/01/2022

“We get Code Red all the time and that’s normally in response to an emergency such as a situation with blood everywhere so I assumed Code Brown was named in a similar vein.”

As the words ‘Code Brown’ blasted across Victoria in response to rising pressure in the public health system, janitor Hugh Honey braced to head home sick under the assumption it was going to be a few sticky days at work. That was until word quickly spread through the janitorial department that C...

12/01/2022

“Just in case I caught the virus coming into work, the best thing for me to do is to go and get tested so that I don’t spread it around the office."

Sparing no expense to ensure he does not bring COVID into his office, Hugh Honey has committed to taking a COVID test each week on a Friday afternoon, for which he will respectfully leave work early. The graceful decision by Honey has been made each week at midday on Friday afternoon with Honey insi...

05/01/2022

Dismayed customers however have been left shocked upon purchase of their beer and accompanying promotion which was in fact, not a rapid antigen test.

Hearing news of the severe RAT shortage gripping Australia amid the surge of COVID-19 cases, one clever bar owner has seen a huge influx of business from a marketing initiative offering “one free RAT with every beer purchased”. Dismayed customers however have been left shocked upon purchase of t...

16/12/2021

With this small win likely to be the only one secured by the English for the series, the Barmy Army were spotted around Adelaide chanting “Cummins is Home”, believed to be a new mutation of the more well known “Its Coming Home” chant.

England are finally on the board in The Ashes with the nation securing their first win of the series after successfully getting Australian captain Pat Cummins ruled out of the 2nd Test at Adelaide Oval after their army of COVID-infected stalkers finally got close enough to him to have him ruled out....

08/12/2021

In her attempts to meander into workplace culture, accounting graduate Martina Martinez has been given a comprehensive education on the inner workings of Test cricket after walking into the office tea room and asking her colleagues, “Who’s winning?”.

In her attempts to meander into workplace culture, accounting graduate Martina Martinez has been given a comprehensive education on the inner workings of Test cricket after walking into the office tea room and asking her colleagues, “Who’s winning?”. With her quaint smile of ignorance, Martine...

27/11/2021

Taking no chances with the latest strain of COVID-19, Australia is set to be the first country in the world to raise its border to travelers arriving from Omicron Persei 8.

Taking no chances with the latest strain of COVID-19, Australia is set to be the first country in the world to raise its border to travelers arriving from Omicron Persei 8. Confirming the decision, Health Department representative Richard Handler empathised with Omicronians but stressed that the dec...

12/11/2021

While some people in the office love Professional Development Day at work where guest speakers are bought in to inspire teams, Hugh Honey will not be one of the lucky ones this year after calling in to notify HR that he could not come into the office.

While some people in the office love Professional Development Day at work where guest speakers are bought in to inspire teams, Hugh Honey will not be one of the lucky ones this year after calling in to notify HR that he could not come into the office. Where some might have been docked sick leave,

27/10/2021

“Should tasks need to be done by a certain time, please state that time in the email so long as it is more than 48 hours from the time the email is sent. Should it be required sooner, do it yourself you lazy f$*k."

Frustratingly for HR managers around Australia, the start of a new NBA season has sent productivity across the country to all time lows as Aussies wake up in the ideal time zone to be watching American basketball every day for the next five months. With the season having kicked off on Wednesday and....

22/10/2021

While some community groups have praised The Wiggles for replacing a white Australian actress with one of colour, others insist not is being done enough to educate children about sexual diversity from a young age.

Martina Martinez (they/them), a member of Sydney’s LGBTQ community, was disappointed that an asexual Rainbow Wiggle was not added to the musical group to represent children that do not want to align with the gender or sexuality assumed to them at birth.

While some community groups have praised The Wiggles for replacing a white Australian actress with one of colour, others insist not is being done enough to educate children about sexual diversity from a young age. Martina Martinez (they/them), a member of Sydney’s LGBTQ community, was disappointed...

06/10/2021

After being totally ignored and left out of all office banter for the past week, Hugh Honey has returned to being acknowledged as a real person, having finally watched Squid Game.

After being totally ignored and left out of all office banter for the past week, Hugh Honey has returned to being acknowledged as a real person, having finally watched Squid Game. To do so, Honey had to stay up all night on Tuesday to power through 8 episodes of the Korean series which is set

30/09/2021

With the AFL Grand Final done for another year, water cooler conversation around the office is going be tragically awkward for hardcore footy fan Vic Vinegar who literally has nothing else to talk about outside of his work and football.

With the AFL Grand Final done for another year, water cooler conversation around the office is going be tragically awkward for hardcore footy fan Vic Vinegar who literally has nothing else to talk about outside of his work and football. Previous attempts to diversify his social vernacular have falle...

23/09/2021

With Melbourne rocked by political riots and an earthquake in the same week, Morwell resident Hugh Honey has been quick to remind everyone how smart he is for having an insurance policy in place that protects his home in the event of damage from both rare events.

With Melbourne rocked by political riots and an earthquake in the same week, Morwell resident Hugh Honey has been quick to remind everyone how smart he is for having an insurance policy in place that protects his home in the event of damage from both rare events. Despite Morwell being 150km east of....

17/09/2021

Once revered as the disciplinarian that would hand out warnings for misappropriate behaviour in the office, Human Resources Manager, Martina Martinez has become the belle of the office with just about every employee inviting her out for a coffee throughout the day.

Once revered as the disciplinarian that would hand out warnings for misappropriate behaviour in the office, Human Resources Manager, Martina Martinez has become the belle of the office with just about every employee inviting her out for a coffee throughout the day. The friendly coffee dates come des...

10/09/2021

“With Nadia solving world problems through her work as a social influencer with 200 million followers, it’s only a matter of time until the world copies her and everything she does,” said Marketing Manager, Hugh Honey.

Despite being dropped by all her sponsors, the publicity created by Nadia Bartel for Kmart following her use of their $3 plate in recreational applications has prompted other kitchenware companies to partner with street hustlers in an effort to better promote their products. After her best friend El...

03/09/2021

As an elite stay at home mum whose cookies are the envy of the Parent-Teachers Association, Martina Martinez drew on her entrepreneurial spirit by starting an OnlyFans account.

As an elite stay at home mum whose cookies are the envy of the Parent-Teachers Association, Martina Martinez drew on her entrepreneurial spirit by starting an OnlyFans account, posting photos of her cookies. Much to her surprise however, paying subscribers to her channel have been few and far betwee...

26/08/2021

In what may be the first of two pitch invasions this week, Sydney-siders have celebrated the rare achievement of reaching 1,000 COVID cases by storming Gladys Berejiklian’s office to give her a pat on the back.

In what may be the first of two pitch invasions this week, Sydney-siders have celebrated the rare achievement of reaching 1,000 COVID cases by storming Gladys Berejiklian’s office to give her a pat on the back. The office invasion, the first in Australian history for the feat achieved, comes with ...

18/08/2021

For many Australian parents, pandemic-enforced lockdowns in Melbourne and Sydney have been a blessing in disguise by giving them more special time at home with their families. Hugh Honey is not one of those parents.

For many Australian parents, pandemic-enforced lockdowns in Melbourne and Sydney have been a blessing in disguise by giving them more special time at home with their families. Hugh Honey is not one of those parents. Working from home in his three bedroom townhouse with twin daughters aged 15 and twi...