The Sutherland Shire Gazette

The Sutherland Shire Gazette Serving Sutherland Shire’s finest fake news since 2024.

In what started as a tip-off from an enthusiastic reader, whispers of the Cronulla E-Bike 500 have taken the Sutherland ...
16/01/2025

In what started as a tip-off from an enthusiastic reader, whispers of the Cronulla E-Bike 500 have taken the Sutherland Shire by storm. This electrifying event promises to turn the tranquil streets of Cronulla into a high-speed, e-bike racing circuit.

Dubbed the "Bathurst for Batteries," the race will reportedly feature e-bikes zooming through Cronulla at breathtaking speeds of up to 25 km/h. The route is said to include hairpin turns around Gunnamatta Park, daring zigs and zags through Cronulla Mall, and a final heart-racing sprint down Kingsway.

But the race isn’t just about speed. In true Sutherland Shire fashion, there’s an added twist: a special prize awaits those brave enough to complete the race while carrying three passengers.

Adding to the excitement, it’s rumoured that only tweens and teens between the ages of 11 and 17 will be allowed to participate, ensuring the event remains a youthful spectacle. “It's to keep things fresh and competitive,” said a local enthusiast. “Plus, it gives parents a chance to cheer from the sidelines without worrying about pulling a muscle.”

In a move that’s raising eyebrows and eliciting cheers, the tweens have reportedly approached ex-mayor Carmelo Pesce to be the official judge. Pesce, now famous for riding his Fatboy e-bike down the Kingsway while howling “Sick!” at the top of his lungs, seems the perfect choice.

The underground marketing campaign for the event has been circulating via Snapchat, with invites popping up on teen feeds, each more cryptic and tantalizing than the last. “It’s like a secret club,” said one local teen. “Except the club is on wheels and heading downhill fast—literally.”

While local cafés are nervously stockpiling oat milk and Acai in anticipation of the e-bike invasion, the community’s surf crowd isn’t thrilled. “If this blocks my path to the Alley, I’m gonna be fuming,” said one perturbed surfer.

Whether it's a teenage dream or a cautionary tale in the making, one thing is certain: the Shire is ready for some pedal-powered pandemonium. Will Cronulla become the next epicentre of motorless motorsports? Only time will tell.

- More to come -

In a bizarre turn of events, Peter McAllister, a resident of Lilli Pilli, found himself waking up in Dubbo after what st...
16/01/2025

In a bizarre turn of events, Peter McAllister, a resident of Lilli Pilli, found himself waking up in Dubbo after what started as a routine commute to his North Sydney office. The journey, originally planned for a 9:00 am meeting, turned into an epic ordeal thanks to Sydney’s go-slow train strike.

Peter left home at 5:30 am, anticipating some delays due to the industrial action. “I knew it was going to be bad, but I never expected this”, Peter recounted. After a series of unexpected train changes and delays, he found himself still en route by 1:00 pm, stranded at Redfern. "By that point, I just gave up and decided to head back home."

But Peter's odyssey didn't end there. Exhausted from the 30+ degree heat and the seemingly endless travel, he dozed off on the train back to Lilli Pilli. What he thought would be a brief nap turned into a deep slumber, lasting the entire journey to Dubbo, a town roughly 400 kilometers away.

"I woke up to a train conductor shaking me, saying, ‘Mate, this is Dubbo.’ I thought I was dreaming," Peter said. “I left home yesterday to get to North Sydney. How I ended up in Dubbo is beyond me.”

Peter’s unintended adventure has become the talk of the Sutherland Shire, with locals both sympathizing and chuckling at his plight. “He just wanted to get to work,” said a friend. “And instead, he ended up in a different region entirely.”

The journey, which should have taken a couple of hours at most, turned into a 24-hour saga. Peter’s experience highlights the chaos caused by the strike and the unpredictable nature of Sydney’s public transport system. “I’ve never been so happy to be home,” Peter said. “But next time, I’m taking a thermos of coffee—and maybe a sleeping bag, just in case.”

As Peter recovers from his unexpected regional getaway, he’s become a local legend, proving that sometimes the commute really is the journey—just not the one you signed up for.

In a stunning political twist, the suburbs of Menai, Bangor, and Illawong have launched a bold campaign to secede from t...
14/01/2025

In a stunning political twist, the suburbs of Menai, Bangor, and Illawong have launched a bold campaign to secede from the Sutherland Shire, citing "decades of neglect, cultural misunderstanding, and unfair mockery about being ‘too far inland.’" The movement, officially branded Sh-exit, seeks to establish a fully independent microstate modeled on the European principality of Liechtenstein.

“We're tired of being treated like the forgotten cousins of the Shire,” declared campaign leader Trent “The Visionary” Malloy during a heated press conference held outside Menai’s iconic Bunnings car park. “Why should we be bound by Cronulla’s beach-driven agenda when our hearts lie with rugged bushwalks and ample parking?”

Early policy proposals for the would-be state — tentatively named Bangalongia — include its own postal system, a local currency called the Menai Dollar (backed by unused Bunnings gift cards), and mandatory four-wheel-drive ownership.

However, Sh-exit’s most controversial move is a proposed toll on the Woronora Bridge, set at a hefty $12 for non-residents. In response, frustrated commuters have taken to hiking and kayaking across the Woronora River to avoid the toll, sparking a boom in second-hand kayak sales on local Facebook Marketplace groups.

Critics argue the toll is nothing more than a cash grab. “I’m not paying $12 just to visit my mother-in-law in Bangor,” fumed Sylvania resident Brett Holden. "I’d rather paddle across the river like a bushman from the 1800s."

Despite backlash, Sh-exit supporters remain defiant. “We’ll thrive as an independent state,” insisted Malloy. “We’ve got everything we need: schools, Bunnings, and three separate Thai restaurants. What more could a sovereign nation want?”

Talks of installing a customs checkpoint outside Menai Marketplace are already underway. Visitors may soon need passports — or at least proof of a recent kayak purchase — to enter.

- More to come -

In a groundbreaking development that has left the medical community scratching their heads (hopefully not due to a rare ...
13/01/2025

In a groundbreaking development that has left the medical community scratching their heads (hopefully not due to a rare rash), a group of members from the Mums of The Shire Facebook group have been nominated for a Nobel Prize in Medicine. Their contributions to the field? Solving baffling medical mysteries one post at a time.

For years, the Mums of The Shire group has served as a bustling hub for local parents seeking wisdom on everything from nappy rash to existential crises. Questions like “Hey Brains Trust, this rash appeared overnight on my son’s back. Any advice?” or “Would you bother seeing a GP, Emergency Department, or Urgent Care for this?” flood the page daily.

In a particularly memorable case, a mum posted about her 3-year-old’s tummy troubles, pondering if it was gastro, crypto from the pool, or something else. Within minutes, another mum confidently diagnosed it as a rare parasite found only in a remote African country the family had never visited—nor had they left Australia.

Miraculously, the child recovered after a dose of herbal tea and a bath in Dettol, much to the astonishment of trained medical professionals everywhere.

Their nomination has sparked heated debates in the scientific community. “It's unprecedented,” said Dr. Hugh Moran, a local GP. “I’ve spent years in medical school, but apparently, all you need is Wi-Fi and a sprinkle of Google.”

If the Mums of The Shire win, they’ll be the first unqualified medical practitioners to join the esteemed ranks of Nobel laureates. “This recognition is long overdue,” said group admin Sam “Dr. Feelgood” Lawson. “We’ve been diagnosing ailments via blurry iPhone photos and vague descriptions for years. It’s about time the world recognised our contributions.”

As the world awaits the Nobel committee’s final decision, one thing is clear: when it comes to medical advice, the Mums of The Shire have set the bar (and the thermometer) sky-high.

In what some are calling the most stylish crime of the year, local police are on the hunt for a grey-haired man with a m...
12/01/2025

In what some are calling the most stylish crime of the year, local police are on the hunt for a grey-haired man with a man bun, who was caught on CCTV allegedly snatching a flower arrangement from the front of a Caringbah flower shop over the weekend. While the floral theft is under investigation, authorities seem far more concerned about the truly egregious offense: the man’s outdated hairdo.

The footage shows the suspect, dressed in a grey T-shirt and black sunglasses, casually sauntering past the florist before making a swift grab for a bouquet of blooms. While the flowers are worth $40, it’s the resurgence of the man bun that’s really raising eyebrows. “We’re treating this as both a theft and a crime against fashion,” quipped Detective Sergeant Linda Jacobs. “Honestly, the flowers are replaceable, but the man bun? That’s an offense to style we can’t ignore.”

The Shire has been buzzing with opinions, mostly about the man’s bold hair choice. “I can’t believe someone in 2025 still has the audacity to rock a man bun,” said local resident Greg Thompson. “I mean, who does he think he is? A time traveller from 2014?”

Police have even gone so far as to label the hairstyle a “fashion crime,” suggesting that the man bun’s appearance might lead to a ripple effect of questionable style choices in the area. “We’ve worked hard to move past that phase,” noted Sgt. Jacobs. “We can’t risk a resurgence. Next thing you know, people will be wearing cargo shorts again.”

As the investigation continues, locals have been advised to keep an eye out for any grey-haired men sporting outdated trends. Meanwhile, local florists are boosting their security, though it’s unclear if they’re more concerned about the flowers or the potential spread of man bun mania.

While the police remain tight-lipped about potential suspects, one thing is clear: this isn’t just a case of stolen flowers—it’s a battle for the soul (and style) of the Sutherland Shire.

In a move that has sparked outrage among the Shire’s most festive residents, the Sutherland Shire Council has announced ...
11/01/2025

In a move that has sparked outrage among the Shire’s most festive residents, the Sutherland Shire Council has announced new fines for anyone who fails to turn off or dismantle their Christmas lights by January 15. Dubbed the "Festive Fatigue Fines," the new regulation aims to prevent “excessive post-holiday cheer” from lingering too far into the new year.

Council spokesperson Holly Evergreen explained the rationale behind the policy. “We all love a bit of holiday spirit, but by mid-January, it’s time to let go. The aim is to preserve the sanctity of other holidays, like Australia Day and Valentine’s Day, which don’t need to compete with inflatable Santas.”

Under the new rule, residents caught with active holiday displays past the deadline could face fines up to $200, with repeat offenders risking a “Grinch Citation,” which includes mandatory community service dismantling other offenders' lights.

Local Christmas enthusiast Marty Johnson, known for his Griswold-esque display, is outraged. “I’ve spent years perfecting my light show. Now they want me to take it down just because the calendar says it’s time? This is a war on Christmas spirit!”

Meanwhile, neighborhood Facebook groups like “Everything Sutherland Shire” are flooded with debates. One resident posted, “What’s next? Fining us for leaving Easter eggs out past April?” Another chimed in, “I say we stage a protest by keeping our lights on until Valentine’s Day.”

In response to the backlash, the council has offered an alternative: a “Farewell Festivities” ceremony where residents can ceremoniously turn off their lights in a communal switch-off event. Still, many remain unconvinced. “If I want to keep my reindeer lit until June, that’s my business,” declared one defiant local.

As the January 15 deadline looms, residents are left wondering: Is it time to dim the cheer, or will they risk the wrath of the council for one more week of holiday magic?

Since New Year’s Eve, residents of Oyster Bay, Como, and Jannali have been treated—or subjected, depending on their opin...
10/01/2025

Since New Year’s Eve, residents of Oyster Bay, Como, and Jannali have been treated—or subjected, depending on their opinion—to nightly fireworks displays.

“It’s like living in a war zone, but with more sparkles,” grumbled local resident Pam Crinkle, who claims the displays have sent her dachshund, Snickers, into a state of perpetual panic. “Every night at 9 p.m., it’s BOOM! My living room is now a bunker.”

While the culprits remain unidentified, theories abound. Some locals believe it’s a coordinated effort by disgruntled dads, fueled by leftover sparklers and a deep-seated desire to one-up the Council. “You can’t tell a Shire dad he can’t have fireworks,” said Matt Bingley, BBQ enthusiast and self-proclaimed fireworks aficionado. “We’re practically born with Roman candles in our hands.”

Others suggest a more covert operation: a secret society of rogue pyrotechnicians, dubbed “The Firework Front,” seeking to “liberate” the Shire from Council’s festive restrictions. “They’re like vigilantes,” said an anonymous source. “Lighting up the sky for the people, one illegal rocket at a time.”

Meanwhile, local Facebook groups like Oyster Bay 2225 and Sutherland Shire Doggos have become hotbeds of speculation. Posts are flooded with theories ranging from secret government experiments to alien celebrations. “I’m just saying, I saw a UFO once, and now this,” wrote one Doggos member, while another added, “If my cavoodle has to endure this, we deserve answers.”

Council members have remained tight-lipped, but an insider hinted that officials are “monitoring the situation” and may introduce a mandatory bedtime for all residents, effective at sunset. “We thought if everyone’s asleep, the fireworks might stop,” the insider speculated.

Despite the noise complaints and startled wildlife, some locals have embraced the nightly spectacle. “It’s like our own little Sydney Harbour,” said Tim, who’s taken to setting up a lawn chair and watching the show. “Why should the city have all the fun?”

As the mystery continues, one thing is certain: the Shire’s skyline is anything but quiet.

In a shocking exposé that has rocked local Facebook groups like Everything Sutherland Shire and Anything Sutherland Shir...
09/01/2025

In a shocking exposé that has rocked local Facebook groups like Everything Sutherland Shire and Anything Sutherland Shire, The Sutherland Shire Gazette has finally confirmed that sirens frequently heard on streets like President Avenue and the Kingsway are, in fact, emergency services responding to emergencies.

For years, these sirens have been the subject of intense online speculation. Posts like “Anyone know what those sirens are on the Kingsway?” or “Why is there a chopper circling over Cronulla?” have racked up hundreds of comments, ranging from wild theories (“It’s a Netflix doco being filmed!”) to mundane guesses (“Probably someone burnt toast again.”).

Our exclusive investigation has finally solved the mystery. After weeks of digging, we obtained a statement from Senior Constable Ray McMahon of Sutherland Police Station: “Yes, the sirens are us. We’re attending emergencies. That’s... kind of our whole job.”

The revelation has left Shire Facebook groups reeling, particularly “Mrs. Mangles”-style resident Carol “Eyes on the Street” Jorgensen, who’s known for her unparalleled ability to monitor neighborhood happenings. Carol reportedly has an entire notebook filled with timestamps, siren directions, and suspicious car sightings.

“I thought it was something more exciting,” Carol admitted. “Like a celebrity scandal or, I don’t know, an underground fight club. But emergencies? Bit of a letdown, really.”

To appease disappointed Facebook sleuths, local authorities are considering installing a real-time “Emergency Reason” notification board on President Avenue. “Imagine it flashing: ‘House Fire—No One Famous Involved,’ or ‘Minor Crash—Move Along,’” joked Constable McMahon.

Despite the anticlimactic outcome, Carol and her loyal band of commenters vow to keep investigating. “You never know,” Carol said, binoculars in hand. “One day it might be a celebrity.”

Meanwhile, Sutherland Shire emergency services continue to request that residents call Triple Zero for emergencies instead of posting them on Facebook.

In a twist worthy of a daytime drama, Shelly Beach Rock Pool has become ground zero for a scandal involving a whiteboard...
08/01/2025

In a twist worthy of a daytime drama, Shelly Beach Rock Pool has become ground zero for a scandal involving a whiteboard, a green marker, and a pair of unfortunate budgie smugglers. Cronulla's Brass Monkeys Swimming Club, known for their year-round dawn swims, is now at the heart of a whodunit after their community noticeboard was violently ripped from its wall last Friday at 5:30 am.

The whiteboard, lovingly donated to serve as a hub for lost goggles and swim meet announcements, met its end after one member allegedly smeared their budgie smugglers with non-permanent green marker ink. In what can only be described as an over-the-top reaction, the board was destroyed in an act of vengeance that has left the club’s communal spirit in tatters.

The incident has ignited a wave of speculation, with reports suggesting it might have been an inside job. In a bizarre twist, local police have expanded their search to Cronulla’s laundrettes, questioning staff if anyone has come in desperate to clean green stains out of their swimmers. “It’s not every day you get asked about green ink on budgie smugglers,” said one bemused laundrette worker.

Adding fuel to the fire is the ongoing debate over the accuracy of the pool’s temperature readings, recorded on a separate, similarly contentious whiteboard. Some members have long accused the existing thermometer of being unreliable, leading to heated discussions about investing in scientific-grade equipment. To address these concerns, a GoFundMe campaign is being floated, with hopes of consulting CSIRO experts to ensure precision worthy of the most meticulous weather station.

As the investigation unfolds, detectives are piecing together clues, and theories abound. Was this a moment of impulsive rage, or part of a deeper conspiracy to upend the club’s harmony? The police remain tight-lipped, but one thing is clear: Shelly Beach Rock Pool has transformed from a tranquil retreat into a hotbed of mystery.

With the crime scene cordoned off and the community on edge, the saga of the continues to capture the imaginations of swimmers and sleuths alike. One thing’s for sure—this summer, the waters at Shelly Beach are anything but calm.

Tensions between the neighbouring suburbs of Oyster Bay and Como in the Sutherland Shire have exploded into an all-out "...
08/01/2025

Tensions between the neighbouring suburbs of Oyster Bay and Como in the Sutherland Shire have exploded into an all-out "Poo Bag Proxy War," fuelled by dog walkers allegedly dumping used poo bags into each other’s bins along shared walking tracks. What began as discreet deposits has turned into a full-scale suburban showdown, with both sides trading accusations and passive-aggressive notes taped to bin lids.

The controversy has dominated local social media throughout 2024, with the Oyster Bay 2225 and Como's 2226rs group Facebook groups flooded with heated rants, blurry bin stakeout photos, and impassioned “ ” posts.

“It’s a blatant invasion of bin privacy,” fumed Sharon Holt of Como, who reported finding six mystery bags in her green bin last Thursday. “This is my bin, not some Labrador landfill!”

Oyster Bay residents were quick to clap back. “We’re responsibly disposing of waste,” argued Gavin Marsh, a dog owner from Oyster Bay. “Would they prefer we fling it into the Woronora River like barbarians?”

Attempts to install a neutral “Dog Waste Peace Station” were derailed after fierce debates over which suburb should fund the bin liners. Meanwhile, both sides are allegedly conducting late-night patrols, with Como residents launching “Operation Bin Watch” while local Oyster Bay walkers reportedly deploy decoy mulch bags to mislead their opponents.

The council has urged residents to “bin their differences,” but whispers of a "Bin Border" checkpoint system persist. “If one more person accuses me of a ‘poo-bag drop-and-run,’ I’m getting security cameras,” sighed dog owner Trina Bell.

You can also follow us on Instagram to see more.
07/01/2025

You can also follow us on Instagram to see more.

Following last week’s Sutherland Shire Gazette exposé on the Greenhills Beach home that dared to defy local colour codes...
06/01/2025

Following last week’s Sutherland Shire Gazette exposé on the Greenhills Beach home that dared to defy local colour codes, rumors are now swirling that Channel 9’s The Block will be filming its next season in the Shire’s most controversial suburb. Greenhills Beach, known for its multi-million-dollar homes and rigid design rules, is set to become the battleground for Australia’s most dramatic renovation show.

Insiders say the upcoming season, The Block: Greenhills Showdown, will pit five teams against each other as they renovate newly built beachside mansions while navigating the suburb’s strict “white” colour palette. Contestants will need council approval before painting walls, laying tiles, or even planting succulents.

Adding to the excitement, former Block contestants and Shire locals Ryan and Rachel Carr have been tapped as judges. “We’re thrilled to bring our experience—and a little Shire sass—to the show,” Ryan said. Rachel added, “If you can’t pick the right shade of white, we’ll have to let you know.”

Local businesses are cashing in on the buzz, with Bunnings Kirrawee announcing a “Greenhills Essentials” aisle featuring pre-approved paints and council-friendly landscaping options.

Not everyone is thrilled about the influx of TV crews and tradies. “The last thing we need is more people blocking my driveway with their utes,” grumbled one resident. Others worry the show will inspire more daring colour experiments. “If I see one more charcoal garage door, I’m calling the council,” a frustrated local said.

Despite the tension, Ryan and Rachel promise the season will be a love letter to the Shire. “It’s about celebrating everything that makes Greenhills Beach iconic—well, except for that turquoise feature wall.”

Filming begins soon, so buckle up, Shire residents. If you thought the Great Render Debate of 2023 was big, wait until The Block turns Greenhills into Australia’s hottest renovation postcode.

In a discovery that has shocked no one but amused everyone, Graham from Loftus has been dubbed the Shire’s very own “Tec...
05/01/2025

In a discovery that has shocked no one but amused everyone, Graham from Loftus has been dubbed the Shire’s very own “Tech Archaeologist” after his son stumbled upon a dusty box of what can only be described as a museum-worthy collection of obsolete cables.

The box, found lurking in the darkest corner of the garage, contains a tangled mass of relics from a bygone era: Nokia chargers, serial cables, VGA connectors, and even a pristine fax line splitter. Graham, 58, insists these cables are “still perfectly good” and could be essential in a technological emergency.

“You never know when someone might need to recharge a Nokia 3310 or send a fax to 1995,” Graham explained, holding up a coiled yellowing phone cord with the reverence of an Indiana Jones finding the Holy Grail.

Despite the Sutherland Shire Council’s regular e-waste collections, Graham has clung to his treasures, convinced that the day will come when the world will need them again. “They’ll thank me when the internet goes down and all we have left are fax machines,” he said with a smug grin.

Graham’s son, Jake, 24, isn’t quite as convinced. “I found it while looking for an extension cord,” Jake said. “Dad’s hoarding cables for devices that probably belong in a time capsule.”

Local tech experts have weighed in, with one suggesting Graham’s collection could serve as a valuable teaching aid in schools to show kids “how people used to live before wireless charging.” Others aren’t so sure. “It’s more likely these cables will see the light of day in a garage sale for 50 cents each,” remarked one e-waste enthusiast.

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that the Sutherland Shire Historical Society is interested in acquiring Graham’s collection for a new exhibit at Hazelhurst Gallery titled “When Tech Had Tails.” Graham, however, isn’t ready to part with his prized possessions. “They’ve been with me this long,” he said. “What’s another decade?”

As Graham continues to guard his box of cables like a dragon with its hoard, one thing is clear: in a world moving towards minimalism, there will always be room in Loftus for a little bit of technological nostalgia.

The Sutherland Shire is abuzz with speculation after a series of mysterious sirens were heard roaring along President Av...
04/01/2025

The Sutherland Shire is abuzz with speculation after a series of mysterious sirens were heard roaring along President Avenue late last week. Concerned residents flooded local Facebook groups like Everything Sutherland Shire and Anything Sutherland Shire with posts such as, “Four sirens just flew past—anyone know what’s going on?” and “Choppers overhead again! Is it a sting operation?!”

Leading the charge is Helen “Mrs. Mangles” Crowther, a self-appointed community watchdog who claims she heard “at least five distinct sets of sirens” within 24 hours. “I haven’t slept since,” Crowther told The Sutherland Shire Gazette. “What are they hiding? My guess? Another e-bike pile-up. They’re like dominoes out there.”

In a dramatic twist, one anonymous resident reportedly hired a private investigator to crack the case after authorities failed to provide an official explanation. “We’re leaving no stone unturned,” the investigator said, sifting through dashcam footage in a Caringbah Bunnings car park.

Theories have flooded the comments section, ranging from plausible to downright absurd. One local suggested it was “the Fireys getting practice in for next summer,” while another speculated that it was “a rogue bin chicken uprising disrupting traffic”.

Despite the uproar, official investigations remain inconclusive. The Shire’s emergency services released a statement saying only, “The nature of sirens is that they signal emergencies.” But this has done little to quell suspicion.

“This is bigger than us,” Crowther declared, now armed with binoculars and a police scanner. “The Shire deserves the truth!”

As the community waits for answers, Facebook groups remain in a frenzy, with updates like “Anyone seen Mrs. Mangles today? Is she onto something?” dominating newsfeeds.

The Gazette will bring you more as this story develops—or as soon as Helen’s nephew hacks into the emergency services radio. Stay tuned.

In a groundbreaking move that has left pedestrians fuming and e-bike dealers rejoicing, Sutherland Shire Council has ann...
04/01/2025

In a groundbreaking move that has left pedestrians fuming and e-bike dealers rejoicing, Sutherland Shire Council has announced a ban on walking in Cronulla Mall. From next week, residents and visitors will be required to navigate the area exclusively on fat wheel e-bikes, the ultimate symbol of modern Shire mobility.

“Walking is so 2022,” declared Councillor Blake Turner during the controversial announcement. “The future of Cronulla is electric, wide-tired, and moving at a casual 25km/h.”

The Sutherland Shire Gazette was tipped off last week by local resident “Guille”. The decision, aimed at “reducing foot traffic congestion and injecting a sense of adventure into errands,” has divided the community. Supporters claim it’s a step toward innovation, while critics argue it’s a thinly veiled ploy to boost e-bike sales.

Local pedestrian Barbara “Barb” Jenkins, 67, expressed her outrage. “I’ve been walking Cronulla Mall every morning since 1983! Now I need a licence and a helmet to buy my bread? Ridiculous!”

The council, however, remains firm, insisting the move will enhance the mall’s “vibe.” Plans are underway to replace pedestrian crossings with bike ramps, and ebike-exclusive parking bays are being installed outside popular cafes.

But the changes have already sparked chaos. Last night, a “Test Ride Thursday” initiative turned into a high-octane traffic jam, with rookie e-bikers crashing into pot plants and narrowly avoiding Gelatissimo patrons.

Environmental groups have also raised concerns, questioning whether the new policy undermines efforts to promote walking as a green alternative. “We were all for e-bikes... until we realized we can’t even stroll through the mall anymore,” said Green Shire activist Willow Lane.

Meanwhile, local ebike retailers are struggling to meet demand. “We sold out in hours,” confirmed Cronulla E-Bike Emporium owner, Jake Power. “One guy bought two—he said he didn’t trust his wife to share.”

As the Shire debates the merits of the plan, one thing’s certain: Cronulla Mall has officially gone from pedestrian-friendly to pedal-powered chaos.

In a move that has sparked both celebration and mild confusion, Gymea’s iconic nightclub The Vinyl Room has officially r...
03/01/2025

In a move that has sparked both celebration and mild confusion, Gymea’s iconic nightclub The Vinyl Room has officially received heritage listing, cementing its legacy as the Shire’s ultimate bastion of questionable dance moves and even more questionable life choices.

The decision was made after the Heritage Council deemed The Vinyl Room “an irreplaceable relic of Sutherland Shire nightlife,” praising its "significant cultural contribution to Shire nightlife." This marks the first time a nightclub has joined the ranks of historical landmarks, putting it in the same league as ancient ruins.

“This isn’t just a nightclub,” said Councillor Jack Boyd. “It’s a time capsule where tequila shots and Bon Jovi coexist in perfect harmony. Every Shire local has either danced there, spilled a drink there, or been politely asked to leave there. It’s part of who we are.”

The heritage listing ensures that The Vinyl Room will retain its original features, including the worn velvet booths, the inexplicably dim bathrooms, and the faint scent of Jägermeister that seems embedded in the walls. Even the infamous "Vinyl Shuffle"—the sticky step-dance caused by years of spilled vodka Cruisers—has been recognized as an “intangible cultural asset.”

As part of its new heritage status, the venue will celebrate its storied history by serving a lineup of historic cocktails. Patrons can relive their youth with Fruit Tingles, Midori Illusions, and that one drink everyone pretends to forget they ordered: Slippery Ni***es shots. “We’re keeping it classy,” said owner Baz Norton. “Heritage listing means we can finally put up a plaque.

Locals have responded with a mix of nostalgia and excitement. Facebook group Remember When in the Shire? erupted with tales of first kisses, dancefloor mishaps, and the occasional regretful decision made at 2 am.

With its new protected status, The Vinyl Room now holds a special place in history—and in the slightly blurry memories of every Shire resident who’s ever uttered the words, “One more drink, then we’ll go home.”

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